Apr 102011
 
Protestors with signs

Image by JasonTromm via Flickr

No

No postponement for Tax Day

Well, the last week before dreaded Tax Day is going to be normal. This Coot was hoping that the Washington hacks would get all flummoxed by the complexities of the government budget that they would shut down the whole damn place.  No such luck!  By an unfortunatle lapse, I end up owing the goverenment this year. It would have been nice to have the government off my back while I scrape together the payment. Now it looks like I’m stuck. Those fools took off the boxing gloves long enough to cut a deal. All I know is if the politicians agree on something, it can’t be good news for me.

Obama, Ryan praise budget deal, look to next budget battles

Now that our President has shown himself to be a war monger just like any other President and started his own war, it is dismaying to find that the wrath of the American government just doesn’t seem to have the clout it used to have. The latest target of American firepower seems un-phased by all this attention.

‘Papa Is Used to the Heat’

People say that the only reason the US goes to war is over oil. This Coot has never figured out why we don’t just drill for it in Alaska or off the California coast. But is seems we’d rather bomb Arabs than disturb polar bears and sea gulls. Maybe, however,  there is another alternative- we can use microbes to make oil. Why not?  They’re not endangered.

Microbes may produce marketable methane gas from old coal

And finally, I know that CNS readers are always eager to know what our favorite Canadian pop star is up too. As his devoted fans know, Justin is way more than just a pretty face with sheep dog hair. Our multi-talented star is also an athlete. This week finds him training in Barcelona.

Bieber trains with Barcelona

Now, I’m off to search under my living room couch for loose change and dig out the rainy day money hidden under my mattress. Now that the government is going to be paying those IRS agents, I can’t afford to make them unhappy.

 

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Mar 132011
 

It’s not the best of times!

It’s a really bad news day. There is something going on in Japan that is hogging all the news outlets.   Now Japan is a fine country and all but, it just makes no sense to have that small island grab all the headlines. Anyway, at the Coots New Service, we bring you the stories that you might otherwise miss. You have probably heard all you want to hear about Japan for a long time. CNS had to dig deep this week and even then the stories are thin but CNS doesn’t rest and we still have the news you would otherwise miss right here, right now.

Starting right here in the USA, there is tragedy involving millions of deaths. Somehow the fact that the dead are sardines has pushed this story to the back pages. Redondo Beach California welcomed an nvasion of dead sardines filling the harbor.

Millions of dead sardines

Not only is this an incredible waste of valuable resources, there is a big cleanup required and the smell is unimaginable.

Also in California, northern California is preparing a big bash to celebrate the 75th birthday of the Gloden Gate Bridge. Plans include new exhibits to tell the story of the bridge.

Big plans for Golden Gate Bridge’s 75th anniversary

And if you are going to San Francisco, those flowers in your hair may get wilted getting through airport security. The TSA has discovered that some of its body scanners are malfunctioning with radiation levels many times normal. The are retesting the scanners but until then you have the choice of a feel-up or a blast.

The Golden Gate Bridge and San Francisco, CA a...

Image via Wikipediahey are retesting their equipment but meanwhile you have the choice of a feel-up or a blast of radiation. Flying is such fun these days.

TSA to retest airport body scanners for radiation

On the sports front, a Nevad man has earned the world title for ‘natural voice’ Elk calling. CNS understands that this means that he uses no implements or enhancements to produce the mellow sounds that the elk just can’t resist. The good news is that he likve in Nevada. There is quite enough traffic in my neighborhood without adding a herd of elk to the mix.

Elko man wins world title in ‘natural voice’ elk calling

Other sports news is less cheerful. It seems that collusion between the National Football League owners and players is going to give everybody a year off. Everybody seems to think that they were trying to keep the games going on as usual for next year but a leak from inside the negotiations has revealed that it was all a sham. Both the owners and players were fed up with the hectic schedules and the arbitrary requirments to run a season (especially those pink shoes) and so they arranged this tussle to give them an excuse to take a year off.

Lockout, decertification put league, players in limbo

CNS always looks for a special story to wind up the summary each week and today we have one you will all love, whatever your political persuasion and your entertainment preferences may be. It is the combo you have been waiting for – Justin Bieber and Sarah Palin, together at last.  Coots think they make a mad couple!

Justin Bieber and Sarah Palin together at last.

That’s all from CNS for this week.

Sarah Palin at the Time 100 Gala, in Manhattan...

Image via Wikipedia

 

NYC signing September 1,2009 Nintendo Store - NYC

Image via Wikipedia

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Feb 202011
 
Presidents

Image via Wikipedia

Happy Three Day Weekend!

It’s a big three day weekend for some folks courtesy of two of our Presidents. Don’t ask me which ones because we lumped them all together in one day to save money and create a three day weekend so long ago that I can’t remember. Trust me it was two of the big names, not Harding or Hoover. I think maybe one of them was Reagan but the old mind doesn’t connect all the dots like it used to. It really doesn’t matter because all our Presidents are great so long as you exclude the incumbent.

Speaking about the incumbent. The man is tireless in his pursuit of jobs. It turns out , our Prez has been wining and dining with billionaires to boost the economy. It’s a tough job but somebody has to do it.

Obama Teams With Zuckerberg And Tech Folks To Create Millions Of Jobs!

Millions of Jobs! With lazerlike focus our current President sucks up to big money CEO’s in California last week. He says he want to invest in new technology but he never says whose money he plans to invest. His? The CEO’s? Mine? We got such a great return from Government Motors, didn’t we?

While we are on the subject of government, now the question seems to be will we have one of not. The Republicans are dead set on continuing the darn thing even if they want to cut its allowance and ground it for the weekend. Democrats say give it tough love. They say shut it down. Which one gets your vote?

House Republicans win spending cuts after marathon funding debate

Government shutdown is likely, Pelosi aide says

Coots aren’t sure what Adams and Coolidge would say about the budget tug of war in our nations capitol this week. Republicans voted to cut spending to honor their campaign pledges last fall while Democrats say that these cuts are draconian and they will shut down the government before going along. I’m with the Democrats this time. Shut the whole damn thing down. The Republicans are wimpos as usual.

All of this cost cutting is having impacts on local officials as well. Even school teachers are behaving irrationally by abandoning their posts and leaving their pupils unsupervised. It is enough to cause anguish for the Madison Wisconsin Schools because they don’t get paid unless the inmates are locked down daily.

UPDATE: Madison Schools Go To Court To Get Teachers Back

Those school teachers should take a lesson from Tom Kinton.  That man is a model to emulate and he gets no respect.

Thinking ill of Mr. Sick Bank

This Coot confesses to being a retired government employee but somehow I never managed to work this system like Tom Kinton who just sold his 35 years of sick time worth over $400,000. People may criticize him but instead they should be honoring him. People think working for the government is all peaches and cream. You should try walking a mile in those shoes.  It isn’t easy to face the insanity of a government job every day for 35 years but somebody has to do it. Tom Kinton is the man!

But what about celebrities?  Coots understand that everybody wants celebrity news and we won’t disappoint you today. How about some Bieber?  Justin Bieber seems to have survived his attack but now faces an even more perilous fate. It seems that putting Justin on the cover of your magazine can hurt sales.  Will this kill his career?

Justin Bieber Hurting Magazine Sales

Coots’s theory is that Justin’s fans can’t read and so see no need to buy magazines though as Bob suggests, the folks that don’t like Justin can’t read either. It’s an unknown, probably similar to the unkowns that face pop idol Vince Neil.

On the eve of his 15-day jail sentence, Motley Crue front man Vince Neil spent his last night of freedom on a Valentine’s Day date and admitting he’s worried about “the unknowns.”

‘UNKNOWNS’ WORRY VINCE NEIL AS HE HEADS FOR JAIL

Somehow this Coot missed Motley Crue when they were big and never heard of Vince Neil until today but my heart has to go out to him as he faces a stint in the Las Vegas Slammer for DUI. Vince likes to give back, he says and intends to keep on giving as long as they will let me. I’m inspired. How about you?

And speaking of inspiration, Coots had to go back to Pravda for today’s inspiring story. It seems that a tiger got the beat on a hapless hunter somewhere in Asia but happily the man had a loving spouse who came to his rescue.  It seems she beat off the tiger with a wooden ladle. Makes me wonder how far my wife would go.  Hope I never find out.

Woman chases tiger attacking her husband away with wooden ladle

Finally, this is news that you have always wondered but never knew who to ask. Should you get that face lift or just let everything sag?  Well today, Coots has the answer for you.

To Lift Or Not to Lift?

So much for the President’s Day edition of Coot’s News Service. Enjoy that three day holiday only if you are retired, take yours starting Tuesday after everybody gets back from the slopes. Don’t forget to leave a comment if you want to join Hansi in the COCU Hall of Fame.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Feb 062011
 
North Dallas

Feelings be damned this week here at CNS.  It’s Superbowl Sunday and what else can possibly matter than whether Green Bay or Pittsburgh triumph.  Sure there is a bit of conflict going on in Egypt but if anything important happens. Coots are confident that Anderson Cooper will have it all for us.

“What’s that you say?  Anderson is in the hospital after being caught crossing  the street in the middle of the block? Don’t those Egyptians know who he is? ”

The Real Reason Anderson Cooper Was Attacked In Egypt!

And if that weren’t enough there are plans to take out Justin Bieber.  I’d be happy to contribute but even a Coot trembles when faced by a pack of teenage girls.

JUSTIN BIEBER will be gunned down in a cold-blooded attack

But so much for world affairs, back to the Superbowl.

The weather in Dallas has been remarkable.  Global Warming has dumped ice and snow in Dallas and temperatures remain reminiscent of the Arctic.  Flights have been limited and the prospect for better weather are not good.

Dallas-Fort Worth faces another chilly day, with more snow possible Sunday

The new Cowboys Stadium is covered with dangerous ice packs which nearly killed  a photographer this week.

Photographer after ice from roof of Cowboys Stadium falls on him: ‘I’m going to die here’

And if that weren’t enough, the frosting on the cake comes from Home Land Security’s own nanny promising a friendly pat down for each and every Superbowl attendee.

Homeland Security Secretary Inspects Super Bowl Site, Says Fans Have ‘Shared Responsibility’ for Security at Game and Across the Country

We are all in this together. Have fun but watch your back. HSA can’t do everything.

Routine items not allowed at Cowboys Stadium on Sunday

Trying hard to make this Superbowl memorable beyond the commercials, officials are not allowing routine items to be carried in.  Attendees are urged to find non-routine  items.

And as if the calorie laden fare that hosts will be loading on their unsuspecting Superbowl party guests weren’t bad enough, we get the news that the US is the fattest of the rich nations of the world.  Who says we have lost our edge?  We can still hold our own at the buffet with any nation on earth even if Michelle Obama gets upset.  And with enablers like the Mayor, the sky is the limit.

Ever heard of too many cooks, Mayor? Bloomberg spends $245,000 of taxpayers’ dough employing THREE chefs at Gracie Mansion

Mayor Bloomberg doesn’t live at the Gracie Mansion but still needs three chefs where Mayor Giuliani only needed one.

That is about it for this week.  This Coot has still got to whip up a tub of dip and order the hot wings.  No more time for headlines except this.  Apparently Britain is full of farmers who can’t take vacations because they worry about their chickens.  Well here is the solution if you live in Cornwall.  You can count on those savvy Brits to discover a new business opportunity.

Hotel for Chicken Opens Up in Cornwall

May the best team win!  And don’t forget to get credit for the COCU extension course.  Just one more week until the first precipitant (if he can keep up with the pace).

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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