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Coots lesson 11: Pants are optional

Posted by Justin at 03:54 Coot Law, Coots Lessons, Plain 'ol Cantankerous

Mar 182013

This lesson could be the penultimate Coot lesson. It isn’t, but it could be. Throughout all of these lessons so far we have been working to promote Cantankerosity. If you have been following closely you have learned to say what you think and not dither. You have learned to use sarcasm and the difference between being an angry old fart and a Cantankerous Old Coot.

If you have taken to heart and studied diligently then you are most definitely on you way to Cantankerousness Grasshopper. This lesson is one way of gauging your final test of Cantankerosity.

Picture if you will the elderly gentleman in a rest home. He is not wearing pants. He is railing against Politicians (see this post, and this one). He is yelling at nurses and doing his best to avoid the orderlies who are trying to cover him. Does he care? No! He continues to run around and yell.

Now you may be saying this man is demented, sick in the head, a victim of Alzheimers disease. I say No! He is a Cantankerous Old Coot. His Cantankerosity has been finely crafted and honed over the course of several years and now, he hides his devilish ways behind insane medical diagnosis’s.

This is our mission, to create a fine figure of Cantankerousness who is not afraid to do exactly what it is they want to. Pants are optional. A test of your cantankerous training will not be to parade around without pants (at least for now) but it will be to cultivate the attitude to be able to do so.

Get over your society imposed embarrassment and do something for yourself. Say what you think. Do what you think needs to be done. Be yourself. Pants are optional.

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Burgeoning Cantankerosity!

Posted by Justin at 04:38 Coot Law, Coots Lessons, Plain 'ol Cantankerous

Jun 172012

Image via Wikipedia

Next Week the coots will be Writing our monthly theme: this month, Oil Stains! I hope Bob gets his stuff fixed so that he can unleash…he has a good one coming. Dont forget to head over to the sidebar there on the right and vote for our April theme. There promises to be some good stuff there also. You can also send us suggestions, the email form is over there as well. I would really like to write on a topic suggested by the readers. You know who you are. I would also like some input on the podcasts; I haven’t done one for a while and I would like to get back to it. I do want some help though. Topics for the podcast? want to be a guest? We can do that. Send me an email and let me know. Enough of this, onto today’s post.

This didn’t get posted last week for a number of reasons. I am not going to count them. Anyway, I have an interesting situation over here. Ralph and Bob have already been through this stage but it is new for me. That stage is puberty. For my DAUGHTER not me you tools. Yes my 10 year old is starting that ~~horrific special wonderful~~ incredibly necessary but oh my dear lord how are we going to live through the hormones shift so innocently called puberty.

While I am not exactly terrified, I am planning a fortified bunker in my basement so that I can lock her away into it. With these hormones that are beginning to rage, I can see another form of rage building in her. That rage is quickly becoming cantankerosity. She has a way to go of course but I am not sure how I am going to handle this. Do I let her develop on her own or do I give gentle nudges and tuition in Cantankerous Old Coots University? I am leaning towards the latter.

I can see now just how valuable the lessons of Cantankerous Old Coots University are when I have someone to mold into her own coot. She has been in training for a black belt in sarcasm for 10 years now. She is no where near the Jedi level that I hold, but she is coming along. Focusing hormones and rage into sarcasm and cantankerosity is a challenge that I am at least uniquely qualified for. I have to get her away from the fatalistic attitude that she is starting to get.

It is time to form her and guide those hormones into a cantankerosity worthy of the great masters, Howard Beal, Ralph, Bob, Redd Fox and others. But she still has to be a decent girl that people will want to hang out with. Someone who will bring boys home that I won’t have to bury in the backyard after the first date. There is a particular challenge there, she is a good person now, but I can see how easily she could rebel and turn into….well…that girl I need to lock in the basement.

So, what to do? The first step is a deep breath. Next, subtle guidance to channel the onslaught of hormones into something productive. I see her own blog in the near future. After that, more deep breaths and the lessons of Cantankerous Old Coots University. If you haven’t checked them out, you really should.

Thanks for your support and remember that tuition dollars are due by the end of March.

Later.

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Coots Lesson #6: Never Underestimate Sarcasm

Posted by Justin at 06:02 Coots Lessons, Plain 'ol Cantankerous

Mar 232012

: Image via Wikipedia

I am working hard to refine my Cantankerosity and hone it to the rusty butcher knife edge that Ralph has achieved. One of the tools that must be used to acheive fine Cantankerosity is Sarcasm. Sarcasm, done correctly, is one of the finest things the English Language ever produced.

Done poorly, well, you may as well type it out and let a computer try to read it. It just doesn’t have the same punch. Kids will cry and adults will tremble when they are faced with a truly masterful sarcastic stream of consciousness. I have heard say that the British are the 7th degree Jedi Masters of Sarcasm, I am working up to that. I believe that I am at about level 5.

Now, Sarcasm is not for everyone. Some people try, but most of their sarcastic powers are lost in turns of the language that either make no sense or are trying so hard to be sarcastic as to just be a joke. Sarcasm is like Cantankerosity. Many can try, but only a few can truly wield the power. It must be learned and then practiced in order to be effective.

Sarcasm can sometimes be misinterpreted. Subtle digs at peoples lineage are usually sarcastic. Calling someone a Son of a Whore is more descriptive and probably truthful. You see how I wove sarcasm into the end of that sentence? Subtle sarcasm is something that must be deftly handled or you are just muttering under your breath. Of course, maybe you are doing that as well, there is plenty of room at the Coot house for you people.

Sarcasm is also able to fit just about anywhere you are. It can be laced with enough profanity to make a sailor fall to the ground weeping or it can be clean enough for church, I just would keep it out of the prayers. The big guy has a way of making lightning hit juuuussstt where he wants to. Personally, I think it is more difficult and requires a higher mastery of the sarcastic ways to leave the profanity out.

Even the lowest most uneducated lout can spout off a string of profanity, but it may not be sarcastic. The Definition of Sarcasm tells us that it comes from the greek word that means to tear flesh. That is exciting. Not only is Sarcasm fun, but if you take the word very literally, you will be a murder suspect.

That is where the mastery comes in. You can give someone a complex that will take years and thousand of dollars in therapy to undo. You can make the weak cry. You can make your dad punch a wall and hit a stud. Your goals will have been realized.

So take this from Coots Lesson #6, Never Underestimate Sarcasm. If you use it correctly, you will not only be Cootish but very Cantankerous. If you use it incorrectly, you will just sound like an idiot. If you want some really good sarcastic training, go watch some British Comedy. Monty Python has some of the best ever filmed.

Your homework has been assigned.

That is all.

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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