Coots Lessons |

Coot Lesson #3 – Polite is over rated!

Posted by Ralph at 18:17 Coot Law, Coots Lessons, principles

Jul 072014

Don’t be dense!

This should be pretty obvious if you have been following our lessons. Unfortunately these days most people are pretty dense and seem unable to follow a stream of logic so we are going to be very blunt. Polite is a synonym for lie. It is just that simple. If you choose to remain oblivious to simple truths, we can’t do anything about it. Human nature is pathetic. We continually ask people to tell us things that we know are untrue. If you have to ask your husband whether a dress makes you look fat, you already know the answer. “Of course it does!” So now the poor man has two bad choices. He can say yes which will make you hate him for confirming the truth or he can say no which will make you hate him for lying. Most husbands are taught to be polite and lie through their teeth and most wives delight in making it impossible for them to be honest. No wonder marriage is in trouble these days.

Stop being a mealy mouthed liar!

We always seek to be inoffensive which of course causes us to lie. “That was a great cup of coffee, Carol. Can I have a refill.” The coffee tastes like battery acid. It is luke warm and the cream is curdled. “I’d love another piece of that delicious cake, Mrs. Smith.” The cake in questions is lumpy and tasteless. Who wins with such behavior? The answer, of course is nobody. If you don’t set these people straight, they will continue to inflict their shoddy goods on other unsuspecting victims. If they believe you they will have your encouragement to do it. If they don’t believe you, they brand you either as a fool or liar.

Be straight at work!

You may think that we are singling out women here but men are just as inclined to this foolishness as women. It just attaches to different activities. When it gets into the workplace, it is even worse because we are expected to lie as a condition of employment. Your boss may be a fool but he is unlikely to keep paying you if you tell him. Imagine the chaos if you said what you were thinking. Is the customer always right? Of course not. Could you fix their problem and get them out of your face if they would just shut up and go away. Of course. Because we think that polite is important, we waste everybody’s time and make everybody upset. It is a darn nuisance.

You aren’t getting any younger you know !

Cut out the crap. Tell it straight. Stop the lies and stop pretending that polite isn’t a synonym for lying, You don’t have tine for games. Time is a wasting and nobody is getting any younger. Next time somebody expects you to waste your time and theirs with mealy mouthed and duplicitous politeness, just say no. Tell them the truth and lets get on with life.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot Lesson 10 – Lead or at least Don’t Follow

Posted by Ralph at 10:51 Coots Lessons

Apr 252014

: Image by woodleywonderworks via Flickr

All through life, people have been wanting us to follow. It makes thing easy when 95 percent of the population stands around placidly waiting for direction. Starting in kindergarten, we are encouraged, bribed and sometimes even forced into mindless imitation of leaders. With all this pressure, it is no wonder that that we grow up with an aversion to rocking the boat or looking out of place. We don’t want to stand out or make waves. Well, coots are here to tell you that there is one other result of being a follower – you don’t matter. And that is the last thing a Coot wants.

One of the tricks to being a good follower is that you stop thinking. You don’t question what the leader knows that you don’t. You don’t question what he wants to accomplish and whether it helps you at all. After a time you don’t even think about you at all. You become an insignificant speck in the universe of humanity. You are predictable and therefore of no consequence. You will follow and therefore will never cause a problem. You are a nebbish, a blank.

Here at Coots, we believe that no one should ever be able to predict your actions or not have to worry about what you might do. We believe that loose cannons rule. Nobody ignores a loose canon because it is impossible to predict what direction it will go and when and where it might fire. If you want to be significant, noticed and respected then become a loose canon – never follow anyone.

One of the lessons that gets pounded into our heads is that leaders (e.g the people we are following) know something. That is why we are so willing to follow them. They have a connection to some wisdom or truth which just naturally makes life wonderful when we follow them. If we weren’t so brainwashed, we might notice that usually they lead us into some swamp and that if it is good for anybody it will be the leader and not the follower. The truth is that the people we accept as leaders almost never know anything useful. The only good that comes from following is the peaceful feeling of not being responsible. Followers are seldom better off for following but the people we are following are.

At Coots, we say don’t follow. There is no need to get hung up about being a leader or knowing anything. You may have a vision as you march forward to the beat of your own drummer. But if you don’t , don’t let it bother you. Be a loose canon. You will be respected and nobody will ever take you for granted. And if anybody wants to follow you, that is their problem.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Cantakerosity is not for everyone.

Posted by Ralph at 11:13 Coots Lessons

Apr 142014

Unbelievable as it seems, not everyone is cut out for cantankerosity. Conformity is seductive at any stage of life. The risks of taking the road less traveled and leaving the herd behind can seem too overwhelming. The temptation to settle for boring conformity always beckons at the first sign of trouble. Only the willful and pigheaded will persevere and move forward.

Relase your inner Walter Mitty

If you are in that majority, you have two choices. You can rationalize or you can surrender. The Cantankerous Old Coots accept you either way. We don’t criticize. We don’t blame. We don’t demean. We merely observe. Going along makes the world go round. It keeps the trains running on time. It pays the bills. We understand. That is why we created Lessons for Sanctimonious Old Sheep. Go ahead and Embrace the Conformity.

If you are a committed go-alonger then the Cantankerous Old Coots say ‘More power to you’ and :Good Luck’ because you probably won’t be happy spending much time here. If, however, within you there is just a glimmer of cantankerous wannabeism, we say ‘Stick around’. Let you inner Walter Mitty indulge fantasies of cantankerosity while you live a life of deadly conformity. Let your fantasies run wild. Imagine yourself in cantankerous full form from time to time. Who knows? One day it might just break loose. Indulge those fantasies by reading the Cantankerous Old Coots Lessons.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coots Lesson 13: Same to you!

Posted by Justin at 10:36 Coots Lessons, Plain 'ol Cantankerous

Apr 022014

I witnessed a phenomenon in Wal-Mart tonight. Maybe it was just Wal-Mart but there was a lady (term loosely used entirely based on gender and not the language) who was walking with a cart full of kids down the main aisle. A guy with a couple of kids himself came out from a crossing aisle in front of her. He said “Oh Sorry” as he got out of her way. She replied with a few explicatives and “Fine just run over me!”

Now, you may be wondering what cantankerous lesson this could yield. Well it is not the attitude of the woman, entirely. She was what Ralph has referred to as an Angry Old Fart in this post. Now, what the man did was not cantankerous. It was not even, well, very manly.

He meekly said, “I didn’t.” to the womans back as she was stalking away. Now, the cantankerousness is available. It should be used. This situation left the woman, who was in the wrong (not by being a woman but by being a pain in the ass) with a feeling of superiority and self satisfaction.

I felt sorry for the guy and if I would have had a coots business card I would have given him the first 5 lessons at Coots University for free(it’s called foreshadowing kids, look it up), just to help this poor guy get his balls back from his wifes purse and be a man damnit!

I believe the correct response should have been something along the lines of, “You didn’t mind it last night!” or “Watch where you’re driving that stupid shopping cart you cow!” Or even just “Same to you!” followed by a rude gesture or explosion of flatulence.

We are getting way too pacified people! We let those few who think they are in charge brow beat the rest of us into giving in. We let the medical community push us around under pretenses of patient confidentiality when it is all just a sham. Why should people get away with being rude in any store when someone apologizes.

Sure, if you shop at all, there will be a moment when you step in front of someone or cut someone off or even walk out of an aisle too fast and nearly hit someone. A polite “excuse me” or “sorry” should be sufficient to not make a federal case out of it. Of course, there are those who want to push.

To them you can only respond with a “Same to you!” or “The sun seems to be going down would you mind bending over seeings as how the light shines from your ass?”

Take a stand. Be a real person and not one of the faceless automatons who gives in to people who are louder or are seemingly more forceful. Don’t just do what the nancy boys over in legal tell you you must do. A coot says what he or she thinks. A coot sticks to that. Like we have said before, a true Coot will give the deserving party the Mapquest directions straight to Hell without passing go.

Quit being a ninny.

Watch for a huge, large, big, fantastic, stupendous, unprecedented announcement concerning this site. Stay tuned for more.

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Cantankerous Lessons Redux!

Posted by Ralph at 10:36 Coots Lessons, principles

Apr 022014

Lesson One

Back in the day, when Justin and I created Cantankerous Old Coots we were naive. I won’t speak for Justin but, for sure, I was naive. I misjudged our audience. I thought that everyone aspired to be a cantankerous old coot. All they needed was inspiration and a little nudge to move on from their bland, complacency to outright rebellion against conventional go-alongism. Now, nearly four years later it is apparent that go-alongism isn’t so easily dismissed. We have readers aplenty but along the way, only one hardy soul embraced our mission and neither Justin nor I would dare to claim that Bob was inspired by the content at COC. Bob is an original piece of work and an inspiration to Cantankerous Old Coots everywhere, even though lifestyle change has limited his contributions lately. Life moves. Even Justin the mastermind behind COC has turned his attention elsewhere leaving me to hold down the fort. So, in the absence of leadership from the top, I’m stepping into the void to attempt a bit of refocus.

Is it time to throw in the towel? Given the number of years COC has been blazing a trail of non-conformity, you might conclude that everything new has been said. How much creativity can one Coot stir up? Maybe it’s time to retire? That’s what bland conventionalists would say but Cantankerous Old Coots aren’t bland conventionalists. Conventional Old Coots see an opportunity and are prepared to seize it. Continue reading »

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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