cantankerosity |

Coot’s Law 21- Cantankerosity Lasts

Posted by Ralph at 11:02 Coots Lessons

Feb 232015

Remember Life’s Lessons.

Today’s lesson is about what is important in life- and what doesn’t matter at all. At each stage along the way, things seem important but as we move along in life, what was important yesterday doesn’t seem so important today. Listening to others just confuses things more. The result is lots of wasted time and energy along the way. With age comes wisdom. That’s what they say and after 70 years of life I can finally agree? I’ve done a lot of silly things along the way and only now do I begin to understand what is important. Each phase of life comes and goes and with each one, it seems that another stupid notion about life gets beat down.

It’s hard to believe that it’s 50 years since I was a cocky young pup ready to take on the world. Back then I was smarter than anybody I knew, didn’t need anyone to tell me what to do and when they did I wouldn’t listen. I was smart and the world was there for me to take. Too bad I didn’t know how.

40 years ago I finished school ready to make my fortune and start my family. I was not only smart, I was educated to boot. Who wouldn’t want to be me? Look out world.

30 years ago somehow the promises hadn’t panned out so well. The career was stalled. Home life was monotonous and there just wasn’t enough money for the good life. But I was still smart and there was more time.

20 years ago, my kids had grown into cocky young pups who thought their old man was full of shit. I was getting to be the old guy at work and there still wasn’t enough money. How long until I can retire?

10 years ago, retirement stared me in the face and when I stepped over the line, I found that there was nothing there. No fun. No adventure. And more important, no money.

So much wasted time!

What happened?

So that brings me back to the present. All through my life, the characteristics that I depended on to keep me going let me down. One by one, I discovered that nothing lasts. Here at the back end of life, it is very clear that the only thing left to keep me going is cantankerosity. You can’t depend on good looks, IQ, personal magnetism or even luck. The only thing is to let yourself loose. You have to be all that you can be, let it all hang out and show your inner self, warts and all without worrying about what anybody might think. You still might not be the world beater you aimed for but they sure as hell won’t ignore you.

Looks are fleeting

I never thought much about looks back then. I didn’t have to. I was young. I figured it would always be the same. Then one day I discovered that when I wasn’t looking my waist had gotten bigger than my chest and covered my belt. My wavy locks were now thin and lank and my hairline receded as my waistline advanced. It was a good thing I’d decided to get married a few years ago because I’d never get to first base at the singles bar these days.

There is always somebody smarter

I soon learned that I wasn’t as smart as I thought. Or, at least , the rest of the world didn’t see how smart I really was. There was always some guy with a better answer or a dumb boss afraid to be shown up. Being smart wasn’t enough to make it big and being smart all the time is very exhausting. If you don’t get beat down by the next guy on the make, you wear yourself to a frazzle keeping up with of the pack. You can’t win.

Your kids wear you down and let you down.

You start the family adventure full on confidence. With all you know and the superior genetics you bring, your kids have it made. They will be world beaters and you will be known as the world’s greatest Dad. It is inevitable. Except it’s not. Good as those genetics might be, it still takes work and your kids got their schooling in California where self esteem rules. They want it all with no effort. Nothing you do to impress, cajole, intimidate or demand the hard work and effort to excel at school registers. They aren’t impressed. They have their own plans.

Your career ends with a whimper.

Your final humiliation is ending your career baby sitting. What ought to be your last few years of respectful dignified status as the senior officer at work turns south, when a buyout changes the management and new direction brings in your worst nightmare- a twenty-something hotshot. He will save the company and your job is to keep him happy. He thinks you are a pathetic loser and humiliates you daily in ways too subtle to file a complaint about. Not that it matters because they would love to find an excuse to fire you anyway.

So now you are retired.

Finally it’s your time. No more work. No more kids in the house. Time for you and the old lady to rock. Except rocking just ain’t what it used to be and neither are you. Between the afternoon nap, the arthritis in your hips and the fact that you are living on 50 percent of your inadequate salary, the only rocking you feel up to is that rocking chair on the front porch.

After a lifetime, It all comes down to this. Nothing good lasts and all those hopes and dreams, wishful expectations and even hard work and good attitude just don’t matter in the end. At long last, the truth that you missed all along the way is clear. You tried to hard to play the game. You counted too much on your abilities and good looks. You expected the world to treat you with the same respect you showed it. The world shined you on and you believed it. Now you have nothing to show for all your effort. You blew it. You were a nice guy through it all and look where it got you.

Finally!

Today’s lesson is that it’s not too late to salvage the rest of your pitiful life, even if you are an old, over the hill coot like me. Stop counting on your skill, talents and good looks to take you to the top. Stop expecting to be treated with respect while you shovel somebody else’s shit. Don’t get upset about being used as a doormat. Stop worrying about being the nice guy and expecting that others will like you for it. It won’t work anyway and you will still end up a loser. Let it all out. Vent all those frustrations and smashed hopes. Let all those good intentions go and be Cantankerous.

Say what you feel! Let them know what you really think. Don’t pull your punches and stop being a wimp. No matter what you do, you are still destined to end up old and ugly, frustrated with the lumps life has handed you and disappointed at being let down by the people around you. Don’t waste another moment being the nice guy and expecting fair treatment. Nice guys finish last and as long as that is your destiny, you might as well enjoy it. The next guy that passes you by be sure to point fat ass and that he runs like a girl.

It may be a small pleasure. It may be petty. But it will help you stop feeling like such a loser. At least when you are old, ugly, smelly and make strange noises you can’t control, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you won’t be forgotten or forgettable. Cantankerosity is forever.

The Cantankerous World View about Cantankerosity

Posted by Ralph at 11:02 Plain 'ol Cantankerous

Feb 232015

20-20 Hindsights

Mick forever!

These days, thankfully, nobody expects much from an old coot. No need to be movie star handsome or a rock star, although come to think about it there are some pretty old rock stars out there still drawing audiences no matter how badly they aged. By the time you get to your 60’s the hot jock and the pimply nerd look about the same- old and wrinkled. Nobody looks all lthat great when they are old. If you are still breathing and can walk up a stair or two, you pass muster. In fact, ugly guys have an advantage because when you start at the bottom there is nowhere to go but up. Nobody ever says we didn’t age well. But I’m getting off track.

Growing up, my mother always used to tell me that beauty was in the eye of the beholder. Like most kids I didn’t pay much attention to anything my parents had to say. Looking back, maybe I should have. It might have given me some comfort about never finding a girl willing to go out with me. I thought I looked pretty good but how could I begin to understand the mind of a teenage girl? She also told me that beauty was only skin deep. People would recognize my inner beauty even if I wasn’t Rock Hudson. Somehow that didn’t work out so well for me either. I’m still waiting for someone to recognize my inner beauty. Oh well.

What else is personal?

Thinking about how beauty is relative and personal got me thinking how many of life’s pleasures are personal judgment and preference too. Not everybody likes spicy food and what some people think is delicious causes others to puke. The Cantankerous Old Coots have staked a claim on a particular world view that we call cantankerosity. It isn’t rocket science and book learning. In fact, it comes naturally when you deal year after year with organizations set up by, for and administered by mindless sheep. Most of us get trapped in that sheepish mindset early in life at our mother’s knees or in the classroom but there are a few non-conformists who don’t get the message. Some never succumbed. Others sensed over time that the only reason for those rules was to ensure that nobody ever got off the reservation and made trouble for the top dogs. Something made those people wonder what was behind the curtain; how the grass on the other side of the fence tasted and why it was purple instead of green.

So here we are.

From the best designers

Here are the few, the independent and the disrespectful- the Cantankerous Old Coots. The sheep in their safe pens eye us warily because they fear the unknown that we embrace. We see the things they have learned to ignore. We know that the Emperor is naked (and that he is butt-ugly to boot). We march to our own drummer and not the well-organized marching band. They fear that if they listen to us, they might lose their comfortable easy life altogether. They might actually have to think for themselves and take responsibility for their miserable lives. Not my problem.

So back to the Cantankerous Old Coots

Of course this draws the cantankerous,whether they are old or young, successful or struggling, handsome or ugly, together. It explains how young Justin, the stay at home Dad, kettlebell virtuoso and internet entrepreneur built his team at COC to include Bob, the rising, internet media mogul, political pundit and Appalachian yurt guru and myself, the suave, sophisticated and over-educated LA exile stuck in the hick-filled Sierra foothills far from the ocean and civilization. There isn’t any other excuse, I can find.

But back to the point!

Still, talking about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, today I’m discovering that Cantankerosity is a personal judgment too. Maybe we all share the same special qualities that make us cantankerous. Maybe the readers of this blog can identify those special qualities and conclude that yes, Justin, Bob and Ralph are birds of a feather because we think alike. If you see it, then you need to share that insight down below. Maybe we share some inner force but I’m not so sure. I’ve been working with these guys for nearly a year now and I’ve had time to assess their strengths and monitor their weaknesses. I have come to my own conclusion about the Coot’s team and being a qualified Cantankerous Old Coot, I’m going to share it with the world and let the chips fall where they may.

I know cantankerousity when I see it. I live and breath cantankerousity. Cantankeroisytis my life. So when I say something is cantankerous, you can believe it. So here is my judgment. I’m cantankerous. Bob and Justin are just plain nuts!

April Haiku- Effete Cantankerosity

Posted by Ralph at 11:48 Plain 'ol Cantankerous

Nov 262014

I can’t begin to understand where Justin gets his ideas but it is even harder to understand what is going on in our readers minds- or lack thereof. This month they demand that we write Haiku. Go figure.

I could write an essay about haiku and prepare pointers for mastering the fine art or haiku writing but that might expose the fact that I don’t know crap about Japanese poetry. So I’m just going to cut to the chaise today and write haiku for your appreciation. Readers are going to have to read them and then decided whether or not to weep. But lets up the ante here. If I’ve got to write haiku, then it is only fair that readers should have to respond in haiku as well. After all, I didn’t vote for haiku. Don’t ever let anybody tell you that decisions don’t have consequences. Then I ask you to vote for your favorite haiku.

Haiku Number 1

Snowy mountain tops

Spring flowers blooming riot

California

Haiku Number 2

Spring-rain soaked ground

Undermines peaceful homestead

Sweet gum tree attacks

Haiku Number 3

Boring, routine day

Take the road less traveled

Be cantankerous

Haiku Number 4

Kid cacophony

Stay at home dad conundrum

Sound the kettlebell!

So that my haiku contribution for today. If you want to guess the inspiration for each poem, give it your best shot and remember to vote for your favorite and lets have those comments in the form of haiku.

What is your favorite of today's haiku?

Haiku 3 (67%, 2 Votes)
Haiku 4 (33%, 1 Votes)
Haiku 1 (0%, 0 Votes)
Haiku 2 (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 3

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Haiku-apps (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Where has my cantankerosity gone?

Posted by Ralph at 18:17 Plain 'ol Cantankerous

Jul 072014

It’s embarrassing.

Image via Wikipedia

Here we are winding up a year that set records for making sow’s ears out of silk purses. The world is going to hell in a hand basket (yes I know this is a trite cliché but sometimes only a trite cliché can convey your meaning). What I’m trying to say here is that the only thing good about 2011 is that we are almost done with it.

I say good riddance.

But what I’m embarrassed about today is that I’ve lost the will to rant. Search as I might in my inner being, it’s just not there. It may be just the joy and happiness of the season washing away all that bitter acid. Possibly it’s that I’m just overwhelmed by peace and joy not to mention too much to eat. I’m at a loss to explain it. You see, I’ve never had this problem before. Ranting has been second nature, easy as falling off a log.

This year, it’s different.

I’m a weepy wuss. Getting that cloying Christmas update from Cousin Zach never overwhelmed me before. This year I actually thought his new grandson was cute and reading about his road trip to Cedar Rapids made me envious. Then there is the food. That extra piece of pie never overwhelmed my natural distrust of human nature. This year stuffing my face completely unnecessary high calorie treats isn’t just making me fat. Each piece of pie or glass of eggnog is turning me into more of a pussy cat.

It can’t be old age.

Heck I’ve been old for years. There is no way to deny it. Sometimes I can fool myself into forgetting it, if I stay away from mirrors and the arthritis goes quiet. It’s just not something you can hide. If old age were the reason, this would have happened years ago.

So on this final week of what has to be one of the worst years yet, I am full of the milk of human kindness and unable to think a negative thought about anybody. It’s a sorry state of affairs. Whatever the cause, I have hopes that 2012 will restore my life to its former state.

So that’s my resolve for 2012.

I aim to restore my natural distrust in the judgment of others and my honest and completely justified lack of faith in human nature. I think if I can just finish off the last of the holiday food and get the decorations put away, there is hope that I can begin the year in a suitably cantankerous frame of mind.

Meanwhile, while the Christmas spirit and food buzz still clouds my mind, I can’t help myself from wishing you all a happy and prosperous New Year.

Equal Opportunity Cantankerosity-The Feminine Side

Posted by Ralph at 09:41 Softer side

Feb 032014

We don’t hold with stereotypes here at COC. The image you probably form when you hear Cantankerous Old Coots is ugly old men but you need to know that cantankerosity is more than skin deep and that coots can be any sex. In other words you can’t tell a coot by his cover and just to be clear, we use the standard English meaning for pronouns that the masculine pronoun is also the general pronoun. So if you are paying any attention, you will understand that Cantankerous Old Coots can be women. They can take all forms, from dotty old ladies like Miss Marple to something more seductive. You can be pretty and still be a Cantankerous Old Coot.

At COC we want to do more than entertain. In fact ,our aim is to help each of our readers exercise the full flow of cantankerous potential they possess. It is our eleemosynary intent to nurture even the smallest nubbin of honesty and help it grow into real truth-telling cantankerosity because that is what we do here at COC- tell the truth when no one else will.

Some of the fairer sex may feel that they must exclude themselves from the joy of cantankerosity because they think that it is just not feminine. They may feel that indulging in cantankerosity will make them undesirable or unattractive. To that, we at COC have only one response. Au Contraire! Just because you feel pretty, you are not excluded from developing the ‘I don’t give a damn about what anybody thinks attitude’ that is the essence of a coot. Take the video clip below as an example.

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