A new Feature, CFBT, Coots Funny Bone Ticklers

 Posted by at 06:29  Coot Comedy, Funny News
Apr 262012
 
Large black bear at garbage pails on wagon, Ye...

Large black bear at garbage pails on wagon, Yellowstone National Park (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well Friends we have decided that there is just too much news out there for Ralph to handle on his own.  The CNS is still alive and well and will continue to come live on Sunday’s.  Thursdays however will be filled with the funny stories.  Stories of the odd, the strange, and the funny.  Feel free to form your own opinions, and then let us ridicule you in the comments.  Shall we proceed?

 

Your Fourth Wife Flies Free on Kulula Airlines

If you are headed on vacation this summer you may want to think about this airline.  And no Utah jokes inserted here….I only have 1 wife.

 

Austin police: Man beaten to death with guitar

These kids today, can’t learn how to play anything that doesn’t have buttons or flashy graphics.   I kind of feel sorry for the guitar.

Imaginary scenes from the 1960s Zambian space program

There is something strange in the water in Zambia.  First this guy wants to start a space program and then only needs $7 million to do it?  I can only see a couple of garbage cans duct taped together with a couple of skeletons inside being shot down by the Space Station before it takes out a solar panel.

Cars trashed! Garbage truck amok with drowsy driver

I am not so sure that this guy fell asleep as much as was pissed the garbage cans were not quite in the right spot.

Man skipped in line allegedly beats McDonald’s manager with bat

Good Hell man, it is only a Big Mac.

Va. couple accidentally shot at gun safety class

The only gun control that I believe in, dumbasses should not be allowed to handle firearms.

 

And now some videos, totally reminiscent of Fox News…

Google Shuts Down Gmail For Two Hours To Show Its Immense Power

All hail the google, keeper of the stats, please don’t blackball my site.

Obama’s Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

Poor guy can’t even catch a break for lunch.  No matter your politics, let the brother eat already.

Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Sh!# Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

Finally!   This is how a primary election should be!  Maybe the general election should work like this in the electoral college.  I nominate Frazer, Ali,  and Sugar Ray Leonard as electors from Utah.

 

Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself

I have no words but this doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

I hope you all had a laugh or two, See you tomorrow.

Special thanks to fark.com and theonion.com

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The lights went out!

 Posted by at 04:16  Reflections
Apr 252012
 

Time flies

even when you are home plugging through all the old stuff. Two months since we left our idyllic foothill home for the delights of exotic Venice. Wonderful as Venice is and delightful as the Italian lifestyle my appear, Italy is a foreign country, full of foreigners with strange habits and strange devices. Even when you begin to feel that Italians aren’t so different after all you get a slap in the face. Something that looks ordinary and familiar turns weird and strange. Like our stay in the Courtyard Marriott at the Venice Airport.

We checked in at the Venice Airport Hotel winding down after ten days in Venice and preparing for an early flight back to the states. And then the lights went out.

 

Getting ready for the trip to Venice where we would be staying in an apartment instead of a hotel and getting close to the normal lifestyle of real Venetians, we wondered if there would be surprises. The biggest surprise to us was that we weren’t really surprised. We were prepared for having no automobiles and water based rapid transit. We anticipated daily food shopping and climbing stairs. What surprised us was he local supermarket which managed to cram most everything we needed into a convenience store sized space, We found pretty much everything we needed and even more surprising many familiar brand names.

 

With the exception of the bathroom, the apartment was pretty much like home. We had a dishwasher, a clothes washer, a refrigerator and stove. The refrigerator was a small under the counter unit with a tiny freezer sized for the daily shopping lifestyle. Not a problem. We soon adjusted to life in Venice.

 

The Venice Airport Hotel just happened to be a Marriott Courtyard. We were surprised to find the familiar chain in Venice but we figured that staying in an American hotel chain on our last night in Italy would be an easy transition back to our old American lifestyle. We were very wrong.

 

Courtyard Logo

Our Venetian Marriott Courtyard used the old familiar graphics but on every other level, it was the most alien environment we experienced during our entire trip. And it began when the lights went out.

 

The answer was simple but not obvious to Americans. We called the desk bewildered. The clerk patiently explained that there was a slot near the door for your room key when you are in the room. Putting the key in the slot keeps the power on in the room. Otherwise the power will shut off after a short grace period. Since this was our only hotel sty in Europe, I don’t know if every hotel room is equipped with this feature but I suspect that they are. It also explains why they only gave us one room key. They certainly wouldn’t want guests to circumvent the conservation program by leaving an extra key in the slot at all times. It isn’t annoying once you understand about that slot because the power is activated when you enter the room but it is a program that hasn’t yet been embraced in the States and it is certainly a shocker the first time it happens.

 

The important key slot

Insert Key or lights go out!

Then we also anticipated that an airport hotel- and particularly an American chain would have 24 hour room service if not a twenty four hour restaurant to cater to the odd hours of travelers changing time zones. We had an early flight and were told that we should be ready for a 5:30 shuttle in the morning. We wanted dinner so we could get to bed early but the restaurant was fully Italian. No dinner until 7:00 but we could get a pizza. We had a pizza after checking out the neighborhood for other possibilities. Then we ordered room service at 7 and went to bed.

 

Apparently there is breakfast included with the room but service only starts at 5:45 so we headed to the airport empty. The food selection at the airport was totally continental. You could have anything you wanted so long as it was coffee and pastry. No juice. No eggs. No fruit. The Madrid Airport wasn’t much better but by then it was lunch time and even Europeans need real food for lunch.

 

I’m not complaining. We wanted to experience the Italian lifestyle. We just never expected it to embrace an American hotel chain and an international airport. C’est la vie!

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The “new and improved” political show…The Tinfoil Hat Club

 Posted by at 06:05  Bob's Politics, Headline News, Problems and solutions, rants, videos
Apr 242012
 

The Political Coot is no more.  A moment of silence for the show, please.

 

OK…that’s enough.  Let’s not get carried away.

The Political Coot went on hiatus a few weeks ago, which is another way of saying that I got either a bit lazy or I wasn’t happy with the focus of the show…or both.  Probably both.

So, both have changed.  I’m going to quit being lazy AND the show is changing a bit to be more inline with what I am wanting to do.

Don’t get me wrong…I’ve enjoyed poking fun at the stupidity of government when they do something both stupid AND funny, and frankly you don’t have to look all that hard to find that combination…but it isn’t enough.  Something my daddy told me a long time ago has been bugging me lately:

Son, if all you do is bitch and complain, without offering a fix, you aren’t part of the solution.  You are part of the problem.

Even when it is attempting to inject a bit of humor, that is true, so…

Going forward, each week I’ll be highlighting a problem with government at all levels, proposing a solution that is as simple as possible ( a concept politicians and bureaucrats can’t seem to grasp), and giving a suggestion or two as to what YOU can do to help the solution actually be implemented, so you can be part of the solution too.

Today we are going to ease into it by attacking an easy…and timely, given the recent headlines involving the GSA…problem, that of the federal government wasting taxpayer money.  The problem is obvious, and the solution is simple WITHOUT goring somebody’s favorite oxen by cutting a pet project or program.


Freshman representative Allen West from Florida, elected in 2010 and sworn into office in January of 2011, was able to save over $150,000,000 just by doing what this program would do.

 

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Coots News Service:Is it time to change course?

 Posted by at 10:05  Uncategorized
Apr 222012
 
American Way

Image by MrVJTod via Flickr

It’s a dilemma!

Dealing with the news here at Cantankerous Old Coots is difficult. Coots are sick of the preachy, nagging news coverage from the newspapers and broadcasters. So the approach we have followed is to look for positive news stories each week that encourage a positive outlook. Each week, we shift through the stories looking for upbeat and encouraging news. It’s a diffciult task and frankly, we are getting pretty darn discouraged. First of all, there just isn’t much good news out there these days and second, there just isn’t much cantankerosity involved in good news. Those stories are either sickly sweet or blandly boring. It’s time to shake things up.

So now what? 

The problem is deciding what to do. We’ve got Bob going political with his political coot podcasts, at least when the stars align.  On the rare occasions that Bob actually delivers  Coots would be over emphasing the political arena. Not that there isn’t enough political lunacy to fill hundreds of blogs. The world is fast going to hell in a handbasket- whatever that means. There is oppression all over the world. Cultural values are degraded. Morality is compromised. Facebook has changed. The American way of life is eroding. It’s not a pretty picture.  Still when it comes right down to it, COC is not about politics, it’s about lifestyle.

So, here we are.

Up a creek without a paddle so to speak and without a pot to piss in. So what does a resourceful Coot do when he is out of options? He polls the readers. One of the secrets to our success here at Coots is responding to our readers. So here, at this crossroads, the direction we take is entirely in your hands. Take the survey. Let us know what you think.  And then we can proceed to do whatever we darn well please anyway, just like the politicians.  So anyway, here is the survey.

What should we do about the Coots News Service?

  • 3. Just let it out. I want to read a good rant. (100%, 2 Votes)
  • 1. I love the CNS, don't change a thing (0%, 0 Votes)
  • 2. I think the emphasis on good news is whimpy, get real (0%, 0 Votes)
  • 4. Replace it with a podcast. (0%, 0 Votes)
  • 5.Those are lousy. I will leave a suggestion in the comments (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 2

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Coot’s News Service- A Little Help

 Posted by at 10:05  Headline News
Apr 222012
 

Got Friends?

Friends make life worthwhile

From time to time we all need ‘a little help from our friends’ as a obscure song by a long forgotten European rock band puts it. The trouble is in perspective. The times that I need a little help from my friends, it seems they are otherwise occupied and oblivious to my need. When I’m coping like a champion and fully engaged, in charge and taking no prisoners, everybody wants to help.

Regular readers understand that the Coot’s News Service is not like CNN. We don’t have the puffed up notion that news actually matters in your life or that there is anything noble about telling the dirt about other people. Out mission is to find a story or two that might actually turn on a light bulb and reduce your confusion. We don’t succeed all the time but it is our philosophy that you don’t fail until and unless you quit.. Sometimes, whatever your good intentions, the stories just aren’t there.

 

When the stories aren’t there, we do what we can to finesse the situation. We lower our standards.

 

By now you are probably convinced that all this blather is just to excuse another lame report. You are wrong. We have an outstanding CNS report for today. And, even better, we have a bonus. But back to the news.

Swedes move on

Just two old fashioned Swdes

Last week’s report showed how Swedes have decided to eliminate sex, Today’s story shows you how they do it. Normal people might question how you would eliminate something as universally admired as sex from life as we know it  The Swedes aren’t normal;  Brits either.  The Brits apparently don’t have a problem with sex, what they want to eliminate is friends. It seems that having a friend just sets you up for disappointment in life. Imagine how happy you might be if your weren’t burdened with fulfilling the obligations of your sex organs and you didn’t have to worry about losing your best friend.  Well, the sophisticated Europeans have the solution.

 

Early Childhood Reeducation Camps

 

Norman Bates mother

Mother knows best

Back home, the pitiful space agency, NASA has finally died. Not literally, of course. We still spend money we don’t have on meaningless programs but at least we aren’t spending in on the useless and , lets face it, incredibly ugly space shuttle whose only purpose was to carry supplies to a functionless space station. NASA died with the Apollo program and has been pretending ever since, sitting in a rocking chair like the mother in Psycho while we pretend that nothing is wrong. Government lost it with the space program but now there is hope- the private sector.

Let the Private Space Race Begin!  

 

So that’s the CNS for this week but I did promise a bonus and an explanation for the introduction so here you go-

a little help from my friends.

Bob pops up from time to time with a story. ‘Here you go.’ he will tell me ‘A story for CNS.’

So here they are.

Workers comp in Germany

Your tax dollars at work.

 

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