Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

A new Feature, CFBT, Coots Funny Bone Ticklers

 Posted by at 06:29  Coot Comedy, Funny News
Apr 262012
 
Large black bear at garbage pails on wagon, Ye...

Large black bear at garbage pails on wagon, Yellowstone National Park (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well Friends we have decided that there is just too much news out there for Ralph to handle on his own.  The CNS is still alive and well and will continue to come live on Sunday’s.  Thursdays however will be filled with the funny stories.  Stories of the odd, the strange, and the funny.  Feel free to form your own opinions, and then let us ridicule you in the comments.  Shall we proceed?

 

Your Fourth Wife Flies Free on Kulula Airlines

If you are headed on vacation this summer you may want to think about this airline.  And no Utah jokes inserted here….I only have 1 wife.

 

Austin police: Man beaten to death with guitar

These kids today, can’t learn how to play anything that doesn’t have buttons or flashy graphics.   I kind of feel sorry for the guitar.

Imaginary scenes from the 1960s Zambian space program

There is something strange in the water in Zambia.  First this guy wants to start a space program and then only needs $7 million to do it?  I can only see a couple of garbage cans duct taped together with a couple of skeletons inside being shot down by the Space Station before it takes out a solar panel.

Cars trashed! Garbage truck amok with drowsy driver

I am not so sure that this guy fell asleep as much as was pissed the garbage cans were not quite in the right spot.

Man skipped in line allegedly beats McDonald’s manager with bat

Good Hell man, it is only a Big Mac.

Va. couple accidentally shot at gun safety class

The only gun control that I believe in, dumbasses should not be allowed to handle firearms.

 

And now some videos, totally reminiscent of Fox News…

Google Shuts Down Gmail For Two Hours To Show Its Immense Power

All hail the google, keeper of the stats, please don’t blackball my site.

Obama’s Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

Poor guy can’t even catch a break for lunch.  No matter your politics, let the brother eat already.

Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Sh!# Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

Finally!   This is how a primary election should be!  Maybe the general election should work like this in the electoral college.  I nominate Frazer, Ali,  and Sugar Ray Leonard as electors from Utah.

 

Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself

I have no words but this doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

I hope you all had a laugh or two, See you tomorrow.

Special thanks to fark.com and theonion.com

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Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Podcast 5: It’s been a while!

 Posted by at 12:07  Podcast
Apr 162012
 

Hey Folks!  It is about time there was another podcast here on Cantankerous Old Coots.  I know it has been a while, sorry about that but we are back with a slightly more refined and professional format!

[powerpress]

Check out these links from the podcast:

  1. Cantankerous Old Coots University,
  2. Cantankerous Old Coots Mailing list,
  3. Justins deals and offers mailing list
  4. Ask a Coot!

Thanks for listening, Tune in again next week for more Cantankerousness!

-Justin

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Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook

Fishing or Frustration? I am turning into my Father.

 Posted by at 04:38  Plain 'ol Cantankerous, rants
Apr 022012
 
A fishing icon.
Image via Wikipedia

Sunday was Father’s Day.  The great day when we honor our fathers and try to come up with something meaningful for a gift.  My 10 year old made a plaster mold of an apple that she was very excited about.  They can’t make ashtray’s in school any more.  I did manage to curtail the sarcasm and embrace the meaning of the gift as well as toss some change in it.

I love my kids and they are a lost of fun, and a great source of frustration and cantankerosity.  If you are ever going to be a real Cantankerous Old Coot, you must have kids, they bring out that certain…something that you just can’t get organically.

So on Sunday, Fathers Day, I get to do what I want right?  Well I wanted to sleep all day but that wasn’t happening so I went to my backup, Fishing.  Always ready to go fishing.  I did need to get my little boat ready and set up so we could take it.  This is where I start to notice I am turning into my father.  I have avoided that for almost 36 years but it is now coming on me.

I was busy getting things from my shed to put in the boat and was trying to get my 7 year old to help me.  You know important things like seats, or life jackets, or gas for the motor.  it was getting hot, and I actually said to my son, “If your not going to help just get the hell out of the way!”  Wow, that is what my dad used to say to me.

After the third or fourth time I had to stop and think “Stop it!” I took a breath and tried to reset and pull away from that black hole of A-type personality that has my Dad at the center of it like some evil emperor sitting on a throne of my crushed dreams and abandoned hopes.

I really don’t want to burden my kids that way.  I would like to leave them hopes and dreams as they grow.  While that may not be very Cantankerous, it will at least keep my kids close to the family.

I finally got everything together all the while muttering under my breath very cootishly.  Eventually we hit the lake and got actually fishing.  I took my son out for the first round and he “fished”  and darn near caught something in his first 10 minutes.

Me? I was fighting the boat in the wind and the waves so my pole sat in the rod holder and bent with the speed of the boat.  Eventually I swapped my son for my daughter who didn’t want to fish until I told her I would leave her in the middle of the lake to swim back unless she fished.  She fished.

Didn’t catch anything with her either.  I still had a great time out on the water fishing with my kids.  I know they will be out on their own way too fast and these are important times.  I also wish they would be some sort of luck when it came to fishing.

My dad always caught twice as many as I did even using the same bait.  I can’t wait until I hit that point.

Then maybe I wont have to load everything back up by myself and mutter again at how much crap we need to take.

Have a good one, Coots lesson #6 is up for Friday and Ralph has a great cantankerous rant for Monday.  Look for Coots products coming soon!

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Coots Lesson #6: Never Underestimate Sarcasm

 Posted by at 06:02  Coots Lessons, Plain 'ol Cantankerous
Mar 232012
 
swearing in cartoon
Image via Wikipedia

I am working hard to refine my Cantankerosity and hone it to the rusty butcher knife edge that Ralph has achieved.  One of the tools that must be used to acheive fine Cantankerosity is Sarcasm.  Sarcasm, done correctly, is one of the finest things the English Language ever produced.

Done poorly, well, you may as well type it out and let a computer try to read it.  It just doesn’t have the same punch.  Kids will cry and adults will tremble when they are faced with a truly masterful sarcastic stream of consciousness.  I have heard say that the British are the 7th degree Jedi Masters of Sarcasm, I am working up to that.  I believe that I am at about level 5.

Now, Sarcasm is not for everyone.  Some people try, but most of their sarcastic powers are lost in turns of the language that either make no sense or are trying so hard to be sarcastic as to just be a joke.  Sarcasm is like Cantankerosity.  Many can try, but only a few can truly wield the power.  It must be learned and then practiced in order to be effective.

Sarcasm can sometimes be misinterpreted.  Subtle digs at peoples lineage are usually sarcastic.  Calling someone a Son of a Whore is more descriptive and probably truthful.  You see how I wove sarcasm into the end of that sentence?  Subtle sarcasm is something that must be deftly handled or you are just muttering under your breath.  Of course, maybe you are doing that as well, there is plenty of room at the Coot house for you people.

Sarcasm is also able to fit just about anywhere you are.  It can be laced with enough profanity to make a sailor fall to the ground weeping or it can be clean enough for church, I just would keep it out of the prayers.  The big guy has a way of making lightning hit juuuussstt where he wants to.  Personally, I think it is more difficult and requires a higher mastery of the sarcastic ways to leave the profanity out.

Even the lowest most uneducated lout can spout off a string of profanity, but it may not be sarcastic.  The Definition of Sarcasm tells us that it comes from the greek word that means to tear flesh.  That is exciting.  Not only is Sarcasm fun, but if you take the word very literally, you will be a murder suspect.

That is where the mastery comes in.  You can give someone a complex that will take years and thousand of dollars in therapy to undo.  You can make the weak cry.  You can make your dad punch a wall and hit a stud.  Your goals will have been realized.

So take this from Coots Lesson #6, Never Underestimate Sarcasm.  If you use it correctly, you will not only be Cootish but very Cantankerous.  If you use it incorrectly, you will just sound like an idiot.  If you want some really good sarcastic training, go watch some British Comedy.  Monty Python has some of the best ever filmed.

Your homework has been assigned.

That is all.

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook

Technology That Drives Me Nuts…

 Posted by at 04:01  Technology
Mar 212012
 

Of course I am using technology to rant.  I used technology to come up with this post.  I used real life to get mad about it.  I was reading Dave Doolin’s Website In A Weekend and he had an article about using the WPTouch plugin and how it makes your blog readable on your fancy internet connected cell phone.

Of course we have this plugin on our blog, it may drive me nuts but people read blogs on cell phones.  I am not sure about the Constitutionality of this but…

Here is what else drives me nuts.  Cell phones in general.  I have been against cell phones in many ways for a long time.  I don’t like the constant availability, or the dependence people place on them.  Right now I have a phone that is pre-paid and doesn’t do anything but make and receive calls.  There is a calculator that I use to do gas mileage in the car at fill ups but other than that, there is no camera, touch screen or internet.

It is good to have around when I go to the store for my wife and she needs something else that was not on the list.  It may be good to have around in an emergency but I have not needed it because I carry tools in my car and can fix most things with a set of open end wrenches, channel lock pliers a screwdriver, duct tape, and my personal favorite, zip ties.  If it were not for the fact that I needed to be constantly available while waiting for my daughters kidney transplant I may have gotten rid of the phone altogether.

It bugs the living hell out of me when my dad calls from his house on his cell phone to my cell phone at my house.  I don’t even answer anymore.  I call him back on the house phone.

I am not necessarily against having a phone to communicate but the whole prestige and snottiness of these iPhone users, Blackberry etc. bothers the hell out of me.  Take this for example.  My daughter is 9 years old and in 3rd grade.  There are several, read again, SEVERAL kids that have cell phones.  Their parents allow them to have the phone.  They are the higher end phones.  It is a bunch of bull.  They pretend that they are better than the other kids and hold it over their heads.

I will not be giving my 9 year old a cell phone that works.  There is no way that she needs it.  There is no reason for anyone in elementary school to need a cell phone.  They Cause problems, Texting is the devils new tool of destruction.  I do not have the ability to text message.  I don’t want it.

I am not so sure that I even like you reading this on your iPhone or android enabled device.  I like my computer.  The big one.  I am tired of people being able to be in constant communication or on the internet.  Screw it all, I am going fishing.

Got a comment? The comment section is open at the bottom, be aware you may get a guest post out of it!

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook

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