Jun 022014
 

Yes ladies and gents, it is finally here, the time we have all been waiting anxiously for, the best holiday of the year, Black Friday!  Holy cow can you believe that Black Friday 2011 is here?!?  I am so excited I could almost pee myself.

Black Friday at May 9th 1873 at the Vienna sto...

Image via Wikipedia

I don’t care about anything else today, it is Black Friday and I am going to get some Christmas presents or die trying.  I want to end up in the hospital with a broken bone or two because I had to fight that one guy for the last Barbie Dream house at Toys R Us.  I want to shed blood in the pursuit of the commercial aspect of Christmas.

Christmas is now relegated to my third favorite holiday behind (in order) Black Friday and then Halloween.  I can’t believe that Christmas has hung on this long as the most popular holiday when Black Friday has been here for so long.  I am so going to throw away any part of the Christmas holiday that has to do with the Savior because, let’s face it, He isn’t going to be having any doorbusters right on the heels of Black Friday Eve, previously known as Thanksgiving.

Greed and violence seem to mark Black Friday and what two aspects of a holiday could be better together.  If you aren’t standing in line waiting to leave with your $5 DVD player then you are watching your cart like a hawk to make sure that shifty looking guy in the black hat isn’t going to take it out of your cart.

Maybe we should curb some of the greedy grabbing that goes on by requiring everyone who is serious about shopping on this most glorious of holidays to carry a gun.  Sure some people are going to get shot, but that is the price you pay for stealing out of other people’s carts.   And because you are celebrating a holiday you can claim it was religious insanity and get off the hook for the shooting because the Judge would rather be out celebrating as well.

So folks, here is what you need to do.  Forget all about being nice.  Forget all about the “reason for the season.”  Focus on the gifts.  Aunt Mary really needs that 5 pound tub of popcorn.  Cousin Jim will love the Old Spice sampler pack.  Mom will be thrilled with a novelty frying pan packed with a candle that sort of smells like Paula Deen.  Wait, that is a Paula Deen branded novelty frying pan with a candle that smells like pie.  And of course don’t forget Dad, that summer sausage and cutting board set is just calling his name.

Then there are the kids.  If you watch tv long enough you will find all of the things that you need to go out and but immediately.  Ignore anyone who says “Make your gifts” or anyone who mentions anything religious.  Your new religion is Black Fridayism.

My Mother in law joined us for Thanksgiving yesterday and she had to leave before pie time because she had to join the cult of Black Friday.  People heading to Wal-mart right after dinner to get a few bucks off of toys are the real winners, the clergy of the Church of the Black Friday.

Let Black Friday take you places.  You will submit.  You are joining a cult.  You are wandering down a long, deserted road.  There is a sign post up ahead.  Next stop, the Black Friday zone.

You have been warned.  Go buy some meaningless presents and convince the family that it really was the thought that counts.

See you next week.

-Justin

Jun 022014
 

Get it while you can!

You may all envy the Cantankerous Old Coot Lifestyle.  Who doesn’t want it- or at least what they think it is?

American Coot

The end of the American Coot? (Photo credit: ap2il)

It seems ideal, doesn’t it; take no responsibility, complain about anything that you don’t like and then move on without ever having to fix a darn thing.  So different from all the crap your mother mad you do as a kid; more pleasant than attempting to satisfy your sadistic, incompetent boss; safer than  driving in the right lane and way less frustrating than all the  bureaucratic folderol that goes with life these days. Who doesn’t want the Coot Lifestyle?

It seems that every day somebody makes up new rules to follow.  Every time you think you have them mastered you discover that someone slipped in some new ones when you weren’t looking.  Where did freedom go?  Where did the independent, take charge way of life that used to be the American way go?  What happened to the pragmatic, problem solving mentality that made America the world leader?  Why do we suck up to assholes in Washington instead of doing what we were born to do-think?  How did we evolve from lone wolves to Pavlov’s dog?  It would take Einstein to figure it out.

Too erudite for me.

I’ll leave all that intellectual stuff to Bob.  It’s been my experience that thinking doesn’t do much about fixing things.  I’m more the take action kind of guy- do something that feels right and then decide later whether it made any sense or not.  I’ve heard this called ‘Ready, Fire, Aim’.  What’s great about this plan is that you either lead into a great new future or you make a big mess and sometime you can’t tell the difference.

Somehow it seems that I got diverted from my original topic- the Coot Lifestyle- into a rant about the country and how it has gone to the dogs but I suppose it all is related somehow.  All I know is that most people these days are too hung up about what somebody else thinks; how many government programs they can get stuff from and finding a drug to solve their most pressing problems (from my informal survey of TV ads, I conclude that for men it is getting it up and for women it is fear of falling down).

LIFE IN A BUBBLE

Bob’s solution is, no doubt, the Constitution- probably the second amendment- and Justin would write a poem.  I can’t be bothered with all that.  Mine is letting it all hang out and living the Coot Lifestyle- calling things as I see them, ignoring stupid rules and letting life happen instead of controlling it and living in a bubble.

Somehow people today expect a life with no downside.  There should be no disastrous acts of nature.  There should be no unpleasantness.  There should be no risk.  And we are all paying the price in a world of rules that only a fool needs.  This new world is boring with no adventure, no surprises, and no disaster.  But it is also a world with no excitement, no thrills, no imagination and no real fun.  All our fun is the safe, sanitary kind with imagined threats and such careful management of risks that even the fun is imaginary.  We are living in Disneyland.

I’ve gone off on a tear again.  Back to the Coot Lifestyle.  Like I was saying earlier, the Coot Lifestyle is all about doing what feels good, calling a spade a spade and getting yourself in deep shit from time to time. To quote somebody “It’s a wonderful life” but if you want it, you had better grab it fast before the government makes a rule to ban it.

 

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Jun 022014
 
Labor Day Parade, Union Square, New York, 1882...

Image via Wikipedia

Hello there!  Well folks, Bob has corrupted me.  I broke down and recorded a video.  Yes it has problems, but there it is!  if you want just the audio, I have that as well.  Enjoy the podcasts and the weekend!  Happy Labor Day!

Video is first!

[powerpress url=”http://cantankerousoldcoots.com/Podcasts/podcast9.mp4″]

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Up with Old Age

 Posted by at 17:01  Up With
Jun 022014
 

Making a Silk purse out of a sow’s ear is a life mission.

The Old Coot

The Old Coot (Photo credit: goingslo)

One of our principles here at Cantankerous Old Coots is not to hold back. We believe in straight talk, calling a spade a spade and facing the music. We understand that those are the behaviors embraced by a man of integrity and we firmly support the notion that in the English language, at least, a man of integrity is generic, encompassing both major sexes and even a few of the minor ones. Cantankerous Old Coots aspire to be men of integrity but we also modestly confess that telling it like it is is also a direct product of the aging process.

What else can you do when all those bodily functions and physical abilities desert you? You rant. And when ranting just doesn’t satisfy you start picking the world around you to pieces. You notice it’s failures and you tell is like it is. You can’t change reality or bring back your youthful energy, physical prowess and libido but it serves notice that you have had it up to here with old age and you aren’t going to take it any more. You channel Howard Beal. Of course, it doesn’t fix anything but, at least, it distracts you for the moment.

Which came first? The cantankerous or the coot.

One of the explanations for the existence of cantankerous old coots is the aging process. Getting old makes you just naturally turn cantankerous and, of course, when you turn cantankerous what is more natural than being called a coot. Most people will accept that as a straightforward explanation. Most people are fools. This is a very superficial perspective on aging , the kind that you develop when you are a youngster and don’t know any better. When you are young and everything works like it is supposed to, you just don’t know what you don’t know. Youngsters imagine that they understand life when, in fact, they are clueless.

Aging is one of those facts of life that we learn early on and think we understand. We observe old people but can’t fathom that life will take us all there- if we are lucky. The young mind sees old people and can’t truly believe that they were once young. They also have no way to understand their future; what it is like to be old. They believe it is all cosmetic, wrinkles and gray hair with the body still willing..

The Young don’t get it.

Youngsters can’t get their heads around the physical reality of aging. They don’t believe that it will actually happen to them. The young mind refuses to acknowledge it’s own aging . The young mind denies the physical deterioration of his body but each year that denial becomes harder to justify.

At some point the reality hits. Denial become impossible and the true test of life begins.

You begin to ask the important questions. What good are you? What justification can you find in struggling on? Who really cares? This is a painful and humiliating process: accepting old age after decades of denial. Some deal with it better than others. Many wilt with this acceptance and meekly surrender to decrepitude and dependence. Others just give up and expire. A few refuse to go quietly into the dark night of senility. They get mad. They fight back. They protest and complain. They get noticed. Sometimes they even matter. Those are the Cantankerous Old Coots.

But you never win.

Of course in the end, it makes absolutely no difference. Life on earth is finite. At some point the perceived advantages of continuing to exist start to lose out to the difficulties. Cantankerous Old Coots might hold on longer just for the sheer, good-matured fun of messing with Mother Nature but that is an individual decision. Cantankerous Old Coots aren’t in it to win. Nobody wins. For a Cantankerous Old Coot it is the battle. Did you give it all you had? And did anybody notice?

So where do you stand?

Are you a Cantankerous Old Coot, a foolish youngster or in denial? Going down easy or hard?

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