Jun 172012
 
Puberty Blues

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Next Week the coots will be Writing our monthly theme: this month, Oil Stains!  I hope Bob gets his stuff fixed so that he can unleash…he has a good one coming.  Dont forget to head over to the sidebar there on the right and vote for our April theme.  There promises to be some good stuff there also.  You can also send us suggestions, the email form is over there as well.  I would really like to write on a topic suggested by the readers.  You know who you are.  I would also like some input on the podcasts; I haven’t done one for a while and I would like to get back to it.  I do want some help though.  Topics for the podcast?  want to be a guest?  We can do that.  Send me an email and let me know.   Enough of this, onto today’s post.

This didn’t get posted last week for a number of reasons.  I am not going to count them.  Anyway, I have an interesting situation over here.  Ralph and Bob have already been through this stage but it is new for me. That stage is puberty.  For my DAUGHTER not me you tools.  Yes my 10 year old is starting that horrific  special wonderful incredibly necessary but oh my dear lord how are we going to live through the hormones shift so innocently called puberty.

While I am not exactly terrified, I am planning a fortified bunker in my basement so that I can lock her away into it.  With these hormones that are beginning to rage, I can see another form of rage building in her.  That rage is quickly becoming cantankerosity.  She has a way to go of course but I am not sure how I am going to handle this.  Do I let her develop on her own or do I give gentle nudges and tuition in Cantankerous Old Coots University?  I am leaning towards the latter.

I can see now just how valuable the lessons of Cantankerous Old Coots University are when I have someone to mold into her own coot.  She has been in training for a black belt in sarcasm for 10 years now.  She is no where near the Jedi level that I hold, but she is coming along.  Focusing hormones and rage into sarcasm and cantankerosity is a challenge that I am at least uniquely qualified for.  I have to get her away from the fatalistic attitude that she is starting to get.

It is time to form her and guide those hormones into a cantankerosity worthy of the great masters, Howard Beal, Ralph, Bob, Redd Fox and others.  But she still has to be a decent girl that people will want to hang out with.  Someone who will bring boys home that I won’t have to bury in the backyard after the first date.  There is a particular challenge there, she is a good person now, but I can see how easily she could rebel and turn into….well…that girl I need to lock in the basement.

So, what to do?  The first step is a deep breath.  Next, subtle guidance to channel the onslaught of hormones into something productive.  I see her own blog in the near future.  After that, more deep breaths and the lessons of Cantankerous Old Coots University.  If you haven’t checked them out, you really should.

Thanks for your support and remember that tuition dollars are due by the end of March.

Later.

Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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May 112012
 

I WAS going to write a post this morning about the end of the world that didn’t happen…but then Ralph covered it in his news wrap for the week.

Well…figgering if I was going to copy someone’s work, it might as well be the work of a GOOD writer…***snicker, snicker, snicker***…not to mention that I wanted to avoid a charge of plagiarism (after all, I’m a redneck from Georgia, not a liberal writer for the New York Times) I decided to post a post from one of my other blogs, JuicyMaters, that I wrote last week.

This way I can avoid taxing my limited mental capabilities by having to come up with a Plan B, and at the same time get some important information to you folks who don’t frequent my other sites.  After sorting out the slightly deranged parts of the post below, you might find some important health information that might help you or a friend or family member.  We here at Coots try to insert, occasionally, information that you can actually use…other than How To Be Cantankerous, of course.

For those of you who read both this and my other blog(s) and have already read this, sorry to bore you with what you’ve already read.

For those of you who haven’t been to my other blogs…why?  You can learn all about yurts, homesteading, and other cool stuff at JuicyMaters, and I’ll piss you off with my political ramblings at Common Sense Conversation.  You need to come over.  You REALLY need to come over.  I CAN find you, you know?  If you’ve stopped by here we have your IP address, your browser type, and much more.  With modern computer technology, stopping by here tells us a lot.  We even know what you are wearing while reading this, right down to the color of your underwear…LOL.  Visit our individual blogs of we might have to visit YOU!!!

 

Without further ado, here is that other post:

 

Homeopathic medicine
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Ya know…I kinda like y’all

 

Reading time: 6-7 minutes

 

Yes you!  When I say, “I kinda like y’all” I’m talking about you…the folks reading this. Besides being readers of my blog, I kinda sorta consider you folks friends…and that is why I’m writing this post.

You see, I like writing this blog, and since you are here reading it I assume you like what I write. It is sort of a symbiotic relationship. I write stuff, and you read my stuff, and we support each other that way.

The only way we can do that is for both of us, you and I, to be able to do our part, and that is what this blog post is all about… Staying able to do our part.

In case you all haven’t noticed, my posting has been a bit sporadic. Sometimes you will see two or three posts in a week, and sometimes you’ll be lucky to see two or three new posts in a month. Off and on, I have been having some cognitive thinking issues for about a year, and in the last two or three months the frequency and intensity of my “altered mental state” (fancy medical jargon for “more nuts than usual”) have been getting closer together and lasting longer.

That, combined with a few other health issues popping up, spurred my doctor and I to decide that I really needed to go in the hospital, have a few tests done (“few” being relative. I think I ran out of places to poke and prod) and find out just exactly what was going on.

Now for your regular readers of JuicyMaters, especially the ones that spend much time at the Family Homesteading and Yurt Yak categories, you already know that I tend to lean toward homeopathic medicine and I avoid big Pharma drugs as much as possible. With that said, there is a time and a place for allopathic medicine as well. This past week has been the time, and Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta was the place.

You have to be wondering where I’m headed with this… And if I’m in one of those “altered mental states” that I was talking about. Bear with me… This is actually going someplace that makes sense.

Among the other things they found at “Big Piedmont” was that my carotid arteries, both of them, left and right, were clogged with plaque. The right carotid artery was 30% clogged… Not enough to do the Roto Rooter on, but the right carotid was 100% blocked…TOO occluded to fix, oddly enough.

From a 50% occlusion to a 99% occlusion, doctors can clean out your artery, but once it’s completely blocked it is blocked for good…maybe. We’ll get back to that “maybe” in a minute.

Here is where I try to keep you folks, my readers and friends, able to read all this stuff that I write.

This problem has been coming on for a year or better. At first I ignored it, actually finding it mildly amusing. “Oh gee, I feel drunk and I haven’t had a drink in a few years…ha ha ha.” As time went by, as the episodes got more frequent, more intense, and lasted longer, I still played the typical macho American male… “I’ll get over it.”

As late as three months ago the problem probably could have been fixed, but I waited too long. Now, doctors tell me I’m just going to have to put up with it for the rest of my life. Understand, as long as my other carotid artery stays open it is really not that big a deal. Some mild disorientation? Yes. Occasional trouble finding a word I know as well as I know my own name? Yes. A need to nap occasionally what I was never much of a napper? Yes. But it is not a tremendously huge deal. For example, I’m still safe to drive.

But dammit, it is inconvenient… And was totally unnecessary.

The problem is simple to find before it gets too bad, and fairly simple to fix. In fact, it is so simple to find that many insurance companies pay for annual carotid artery ultrasound that will find the problem quickly and painlessly.

For those of you who might already have the same problem I do, remember that “but once it’s completely blocked it is blocked for good…maybe” back up there part way through this post? Well, while a 100% blockage might not be repairable surgically, I’m holding out hope that there is a homeopathic way to fix the problem. My research starts today, and I will let you know if I find anything that will help clear the blockage.

For those of you who do not have this problem, or who think you might but are not sure, here is my recommendation, from someone who learned the hard way:

For folks over 50, and certainly for folks over 50 who have diabetes and/or cholesterol problems, get an ultrasound of your carotid arteries annually.

If you and I both do that, I’ll keep writing stuff, and you’ll keep are reading this stuff that I write. I kinda like it that way, don’t you?

 

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Bob@HayleStorm Interactive

Bob comes to us with a skeptical attitude and a full cup of Cantankerousness. He also writes about homesteading and yurts over at JuicyMaters.com and rants about politics at Common-Sense-Conversation.com Most of the time, though, you'll find him at HayleStorm.net, cranking out great websites for clients OR writing tutorials teaching them to build their own sites.

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Apr 022012
 
A fishing icon.
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Sunday was Father’s Day.  The great day when we honor our fathers and try to come up with something meaningful for a gift.  My 10 year old made a plaster mold of an apple that she was very excited about.  They can’t make ashtray’s in school any more.  I did manage to curtail the sarcasm and embrace the meaning of the gift as well as toss some change in it.

I love my kids and they are a lost of fun, and a great source of frustration and cantankerosity.  If you are ever going to be a real Cantankerous Old Coot, you must have kids, they bring out that certain…something that you just can’t get organically.

So on Sunday, Fathers Day, I get to do what I want right?  Well I wanted to sleep all day but that wasn’t happening so I went to my backup, Fishing.  Always ready to go fishing.  I did need to get my little boat ready and set up so we could take it.  This is where I start to notice I am turning into my father.  I have avoided that for almost 36 years but it is now coming on me.

I was busy getting things from my shed to put in the boat and was trying to get my 7 year old to help me.  You know important things like seats, or life jackets, or gas for the motor.  it was getting hot, and I actually said to my son, “If your not going to help just get the hell out of the way!”  Wow, that is what my dad used to say to me.

After the third or fourth time I had to stop and think “Stop it!” I took a breath and tried to reset and pull away from that black hole of A-type personality that has my Dad at the center of it like some evil emperor sitting on a throne of my crushed dreams and abandoned hopes.

I really don’t want to burden my kids that way.  I would like to leave them hopes and dreams as they grow.  While that may not be very Cantankerous, it will at least keep my kids close to the family.

I finally got everything together all the while muttering under my breath very cootishly.  Eventually we hit the lake and got actually fishing.  I took my son out for the first round and he “fished”  and darn near caught something in his first 10 minutes.

Me? I was fighting the boat in the wind and the waves so my pole sat in the rod holder and bent with the speed of the boat.  Eventually I swapped my son for my daughter who didn’t want to fish until I told her I would leave her in the middle of the lake to swim back unless she fished.  She fished.

Didn’t catch anything with her either.  I still had a great time out on the water fishing with my kids.  I know they will be out on their own way too fast and these are important times.  I also wish they would be some sort of luck when it came to fishing.

My dad always caught twice as many as I did even using the same bait.  I can’t wait until I hit that point.

Then maybe I wont have to load everything back up by myself and mutter again at how much crap we need to take.

Have a good one, Coots lesson #6 is up for Friday and Ralph has a great cantankerous rant for Monday.  Look for Coots products coming soon!

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Mar 232012
 
swearing in cartoon
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I am working hard to refine my Cantankerosity and hone it to the rusty butcher knife edge that Ralph has achieved.  One of the tools that must be used to acheive fine Cantankerosity is Sarcasm.  Sarcasm, done correctly, is one of the finest things the English Language ever produced.

Done poorly, well, you may as well type it out and let a computer try to read it.  It just doesn’t have the same punch.  Kids will cry and adults will tremble when they are faced with a truly masterful sarcastic stream of consciousness.  I have heard say that the British are the 7th degree Jedi Masters of Sarcasm, I am working up to that.  I believe that I am at about level 5.

Now, Sarcasm is not for everyone.  Some people try, but most of their sarcastic powers are lost in turns of the language that either make no sense or are trying so hard to be sarcastic as to just be a joke.  Sarcasm is like Cantankerosity.  Many can try, but only a few can truly wield the power.  It must be learned and then practiced in order to be effective.

Sarcasm can sometimes be misinterpreted.  Subtle digs at peoples lineage are usually sarcastic.  Calling someone a Son of a Whore is more descriptive and probably truthful.  You see how I wove sarcasm into the end of that sentence?  Subtle sarcasm is something that must be deftly handled or you are just muttering under your breath.  Of course, maybe you are doing that as well, there is plenty of room at the Coot house for you people.

Sarcasm is also able to fit just about anywhere you are.  It can be laced with enough profanity to make a sailor fall to the ground weeping or it can be clean enough for church, I just would keep it out of the prayers.  The big guy has a way of making lightning hit juuuussstt where he wants to.  Personally, I think it is more difficult and requires a higher mastery of the sarcastic ways to leave the profanity out.

Even the lowest most uneducated lout can spout off a string of profanity, but it may not be sarcastic.  The Definition of Sarcasm tells us that it comes from the greek word that means to tear flesh.  That is exciting.  Not only is Sarcasm fun, but if you take the word very literally, you will be a murder suspect.

That is where the mastery comes in.  You can give someone a complex that will take years and thousand of dollars in therapy to undo.  You can make the weak cry.  You can make your dad punch a wall and hit a stud.  Your goals will have been realized.

So take this from Coots Lesson #6, Never Underestimate Sarcasm.  If you use it correctly, you will not only be Cootish but very Cantankerous.  If you use it incorrectly, you will just sound like an idiot.  If you want some really good sarcastic training, go watch some British Comedy.  Monty Python has some of the best ever filmed.

Your homework has been assigned.

That is all.

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Jan 252012
 
Rainy day driving in SoCal

Who hid the road?

The rain has stopped here in the idyllic Sierra foothills. This is the first rain of the rainy season, nearly two months late. In California if it don’t rain during the winter then it just don’t rain at all because it never rains in the Summer. Down in LA, rain is irrelevant or worse, a damn nuisance because it just floods the gutters and runs into the ocean after washing the oil residue off the roads and causing chaos on the freeways. The water is all imported from elsewhere. It’s a convenient arrangement.

 

California Aqueduct

California Aqeduct

In the hinterlands of Northern California its different. The rivers run all year round and until recently nobody metered water service. It was all you can use for a flat monthly fee. Folks up here are resentful of Southern California who, they think, want to steal their water. (One of the three SoCal aqueducts takes water from the north to the south). More than anything else, water divides California. Periodically proposals surface to divide California into two more homogenous states but they always founder. Northerners want to cut all ties to the south and stop sending precious water south but unfortunately for them Southerners have more population. There are so many more Southerners that a single California state will always provide water to the south no matter what kind of fuss the north puts up.

 

Culturally, the north feels superior with San Francisco as their prime argument. San Francisco is the crown jewel of California culture and a world class tourist mecca. Southern California has beaches and amusement parks but despite having better culture and multiple centers of culture isn’t a real cultural focus. Not that the southerners care. SoCal is liveable, diverse and culture-rich if you can avoid rush hour traffic. NoCal is insular and isolated once you leave the city by the bay. In Southern California, cities have no real meaning. You can drive 100 miles without seeing an open space and everybody listens to LA radio and watches LA TV. In Northern California, the SF influence doesn’t reach 50 miles. I don’t know why. Either SF isn’t interested in the hicks from the hinterlands or the hicks can’t take the smug superiority of SF.

 

Sacramento's Tower Bridge

Sacramento landmark

When I moved from the south to the north, it was culture shock for me. Sacramento was always just a far away place where the legislature gathered to plot against the electorate. Turns out it’s better than that. There is some culture here and no rush hour but you can still go the SF for the day. Sacramento is always your number two choice.

 

Not sure the point of these musings today. The rest of the country is probably fed up with California but after 40 years in the golden state I still can’t forget being drawn here from my earliest childhood fantasies. My grandmother subscribed to Sunset back in the 50’s (and it wasn’t easy to do when you live in Missouri). She adopted California when my grandfather worked in a California factory during WWII. I’d read the magazine and dream about the exotic California lifestyle. There wasn’t a chance that I’d end up anywhere else.

 

By now it seems that California has reached the end of its run and killed the California dream. California may always have been an illusion but 40 years ago, reality didn’t bite so bad. I don’t know that I will ever pull up stakes and relocate to a less-taxing environment but I am over my love-affair with California. It’s full of memories and my sons call it home. It may be time to move on but it is hard. After 40 years making my bed in California, I may just have to spend the rest of my life lying in it.

 

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Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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