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Coots News Service- CNS- for January 30, 2011

Posted by Ralph at 06:07 Headline News

Jan 302011

: Image via Wikipedia

The word for this week is Feelings.

Our readers my not know what a tight ship Justin runs here at Coots. Lowly hacks like me and Bob get crushed under the heel of Justin’s big plans for world domination. I know he puts out the impression of a mild mannered, stay-at-home Dad-all sweetness and light -but there is a dark side to to Justin. His newest inspiration is that we have a theme each week to vent our spleens or maybe bladders on. And believe me when Justin wants something, you don’t get in his way. You have to pity those poor kids of his. Anyway the idea is that our faithful readers will vote on the topic of the week. Between you and me, I think this is hopeless. From what I can tell, our readers are too pussified to venture an opinion. I figure that reading Coot’s is the only relief they have from their humdrum lives but they don’t have the nerve to let anyone know that they have such poor judgment and taste by leaving a comment. That is fine by me but Justin is quite another story. He gets pissed – and when Justin gets pissed, you don’t want to be anywhere nearby.

“If they won’t comment.” says Justin, “Then I will just track them down and expose them publicly as Coot’s readers.”

Talk about hurt feelings! So be afraid, Coot’s readers, be very afraid. My feelings aren’t hurt!. It’s no skin off my nose but between you and me, things will be mellower here at Coot’s if we can keep Justin happy, so for your own good and mine, leave a comment with a suggestion for next week, or just answer his damn survey. And don’t forget, you can still get credit from COCU when you comment telling which story you least needed to hear. Five responses gets you credit for the first COCU course. Now, get to work!

Lancaster Mayor Wants To Broadcast Bird Songs

If you have never been to idyllic Lancaster California then you may not appreciate how important a little pleasant diversion might be to residents of that dismal town. Southern California is full of delightful cities all of which are over-packed with the rich and famous. It is also full of cities located in ugly and inhospitable environments whose only excuse for existence is the mere two hour commute to LA. Lancaster is one of those cities and kudos to the Mayor who wants to lighten the harsh environment with delightful bird sounds. The man deserves a medal. He has feelings.

Will there be a chocolate drought? World’s supply of sustainable cocoa could run out by 2014

Everybody loves chocolate, especially with Valentine’s Day coming up. Nothing stirs up the feelings like chocolate. And now on the verge of Valentines Day we hear that the world could run out of chocolate by 2014. Quelle horreur! But wait! No, we are not running our of chocolate, we are running our of sustainable chocolate. This suggests that we will have plenty of unsustainable chocolate. It also suggests that someone is playing games here, If we run our of sustainable chocolate then it wasn’t sustainable in the first place. Now I’m getting upset and that’s not the feeling we are looking for today. I’m going to look for a soothing cup of non-sustainable cocoa and take a time out.

Dallas Police Officer Charged With Stealing From Crime Stoppers

My head is reeling! I am filled with feeling. I’m a poet and don’t know it. Don’t you just love those crime tip lines. I feel good every time one of the tips solves a crime. It turns out that some cops feel good about these tips too. Like this Dallas cop. She is not feeling so good after being arrested for diverting $250,000 of tip money into her personal account. You just gotta love those clever cash cow cops.

Wayne superintendent’s $1M retirement package creates storm

This Michigan educator is feeling good these days with a big retirement package after his fifteen year career ended. Surely the public understands that this is a small price to pay for the high quality education delivered these days. Apparently locals don’t agree. What does this do for your feelings?

Text message blows up suicide bomber by accident

Even terrorists have feelings as this tragic story from Russia shows. The lovely wife of a jailed terrorist was intending to blow up a populated locale in Moscow on New Years Eve- perhaps just to feel connected to her jailed hubby. Sadly, one of her comrades had feeling too and sent her a text message with New Years wishes on the cell phone intended to detonate her bomb when she reached her target. She was still in the safe house. She could not be reached for comment.

TSA shuts door on private airport screening program

Talk about hurt Feelings! Travelers may have feelings about being felt up by the friendly Government employees that make up the TSA but so what. Like any good government bureaucracy, the TSA has feelings too, And they are not about to have their good monopoly threatened. “NO MORE PRIVATE SCREENINGS” say the friendly government officials from Homeland Security.

But on Friday, the TSA denied an application by Springfield-Branson Airport in Missouri to privatize its checkpoint workforce, and in a statement, Pistole indicated other applications likewise will be denied.

“I examined the contractor screening program and decided not to expand the program beyond the current 16 airports as I do not see any clear or substantial advantage to do so at this time,” Pistole said.

Certainly there is no substantial advantage to government bureaucrats at having any competition and we all know that that is all that matters.

Charlie Sheen Enters Rehab

And finally, who can’t feel for the hapless Charlie Sheen and the even more hapless people who depend on him for their living. How would you like to be a cast member of his show, or worse the producers. Most of all I feel sorry for the losers that don’t have any more of a life than to watch his show. They are probably the same losers you see driving on the wrong side of the road that still have Obama stickers on their cars.

Now, make Justin happy and leave a comment. Don’t make him mad.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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CNS (Coot’s News Service) Roundup for January 23,2011

Posted by Ralph at 09:38 Headline News

Jan 232011

: Image via Wikipedia

Blame the Weather

Blame it on the beautiful January weather here in Northern California. Blame it on a lousy news cycle. Blame it on the Astrological shuffle that transformed a mild mannered Virgo into a flaming Leo. Pick whatever reason you prefer, this week the Coots News Service is doing a special, in-depth study of the latest fad in news reporting and political comment. We call it word of the week. And the word this week is the lovely, three syllable word vitriol.

Vitriol is a lovely word

What is lovely about the word vitriol is that while virtually nobody knows what it means, it has an evil sound. It is such a luscious mouthful for it’s mere three syllables. You can’t say it without sneering. Look at yourself in the mirror saying vitriol and try to imagine what your sweetie would think if that is how you look when you tell her you love her. She wouldn’t believe you for a second.

But what the f*** does it mean?

Moving along to the meaning, which is fairly innocuous. It comes from science. Oil of vitriol is just another word for sulfuric acid. It isn’t lovely stuff but it has its uses and when used as a descriptor, the dictionary says it means caustic. Caustic is no big deal. We have caustic under our kitchen sinks and don’t think anything about it. Lately though we surmise that vitriol when applied to human discourse is more like Stephen Spielberg’s version of a velociraptor; which is to say a mindless, lethal killer with no other reason to live than to destroy any creature in it’s vicinity- entirely and without mercy.

So what’s the big deal with vitriol?

Intelligent, educated citizens, like our country routinely produced up until the 60’s, were trained to deal with verbal barbs without being totally destroyed. Modern education with its focus on self-esteem and rejection of knowledge, rights and responsibility; its embrace of equal abilities and spurning of equal opportunities has produced a population of mindless sheep, easily scattered and confused but impossible to lead, except by fear.

You can’t insult the stupid!

You can’t insult Americans any more. The reasons are complex. First , they are incapable of understanding many words with more than one syllable – unless they defame the deity, glorify the scatological or associate your mother with some animal or other. Second they have such a limited vocabulary that one word or phrase is now forced to cover many circumstances. Third any imagery left in common discourse is so platitudinous that short of a visual reference, it is impossible to know what a statement might actually be intended to convey It is impossible to know what someone might be intending when they call you a motherf***r. It could as well be an endearment as a curse. For this reason, anything which is not understood is deemed to be an insult. When the only thing that you know is how to like yourself, insults are totally unacceptable. Because liking yourself is the North Star for existence, anyone who says anything negative about you is clearly crazy. So you give them the finger and move right along. And this explains the sorry state of discourse in modern day America.

So why not be caustic? What difference can it make?

Since it is impossible to insult Americans, then what can it possibly mean to say that we shouldn’t use caustic (or vitriolic words) as every civilized form of communications is urging us to do. Any words which are not effusive praise then must be caustic and therefore avoided like the plague. The press just wants us to get along. It doesn’t want the sheep that still buy newspapers to be upset. I don’t accept that reasoning and you shouldn’t either.

But did you have a point?

So back to the point (you probably were wandering if I have lost my way – or my mind- by this time). This week CNS is focusing only on stories using the word vitriol. Substitute the word criticism for vitriol in these stories and what happens? It is all about protecting mindless self-esteem! Does this demonstrate how totally inane political discourse has become – or I am missing something else? What is your take on vitriol? Self-esteem? erectile disfunction? For those of you seeking credit from COCU, just leave a comment and tell us which story best illustrates the mindless effort of the press to avoid any discussion of substance. Extra credit for suck ups.,

And now to the news.

Political Vitriol: Did Politics Influence Tucson Tragedy

This reporter concludes that some folks think it did and some folks think it didn’t. Does the reporter have an idea in his head? Non on your life. That might be perceived as vitriolic.

Sheriff Dupnik Criticism Of Political Vitriol

Sheriff Dupnik is against vitriol. As long as it isn’t his.

Arizona to President Barack Obama: Rise above the ‘vitriol’

This reporter has channeled an entire State and believes that it has a message for the President. Rise above the vitriol. Coots have no clue how the reporter does this and whether any other states might have a message for the President as well. Further study reveals that this message was received from the heads of the Republican and Democrat organizations in Arizona. This is even more baffling.

Politicians say they will stop vitriol in wake of Arizona shooting

New poll results suggest that Americans (at least 50% of them) think that harsh rhetoric and metaphorical references caused the Arizona shooting. This is obviously bullshit because considerably more than 50% of American’s have no idea what a metaphor actually is. They merely want to look intelligent when they talk to a poll taker. But even more ridiculous is the politicians falling all over themselves to look like Casper Milquetoast. We are through with vitriol. From now on only milk of magnesia. We will even sit together they say. How many times has a politician actually done what he promised? We won’t be holding our breath.

More on vitriol and violence [Updated]

The incredible shrinking LA Times goes on record (after revision) to say that it is really not nice to be forceful in your opinions and that we can all be better. Now lets just hold hands and sing cumbaya.

Tea Party Vitriol Could Come Back to Bite the GOP

This article argues that vitriol is merely bad judgment, demeaning language and lack of moral standards as displayed by the Tea Party activists. No conservative vitriol should go unpunished – not will it as we are now seeing. What about liberal vitriol. It apparently doesn’t exist.

That is all the vitriol that I can stand today. If you want more, you are on your own. Maybe we will get some miserable weather and I will be back to my normal state by next week.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s News Service and COCU Extension-January 16, 2011

Posted by Ralph at 09:19 Headline News

Jan 162011

: Image via Wikipedia

Welcome to the Coot’s News Service (CNS) for Sunday, January 18. And for you extension students at Cantankerous Old Coots University Extension (COCUx), this is your second week. You can receive credit for a course in News Sensitivity and a chance for fame and possibly fortune as a certified Coot. Review the rules and then leave a comment telling us which news story was absolutely not essential this week. If you are new and missed the introductory class last week you cans still get credit- just leave a comment there as well. Now on to the news.

City puts a stop to homeless outreach

The city of Houston has stopped a couple from providing meals to between 60 and 120 homeless people each day.

Anyone serving food for public consumption, whether for the homeless or for sale, must have a permit, said Kathy Barton, a spokeswoman for the Health and Human Services Department. To get that permit, the food must be prepared in a certified kitchen with a certified food manager.

The couple has received donated food and voluteers to prepare meals for the homeless for nearly a year now but the permit will stop them cold. Officials say that the homeless must be protected from unhealthy food even more than people with homes. Clearly the Houston City Fathers would rather have their homeless eating garbage. Mindless bureaucrats- the key to effective government.

RI Gov. Chafee: Stop paying for vitriolic commentary

Arizona is not the only state with a vitriol problem. It seems that little Rhode Island wants to try a new approach since guns didn’t seem to work. Now the Governor of Rhode Island thinks the best way to make vitriol manageable is to turn off the radio – or at least radio with talk- presumably he would still permit music but now some bureaucrat will have to decide whether rap is music or talk. It sure isn’t music to me. Coots are confused why the concern about vitriol. Since we started taking it our bowels have moved like clockwork.

Scientists create GM ‘superchicken’ that doesn’t spread bird flu

This Coot is afraid that the English language is in serious danger when all it takes to be super is to drop dead without passing on the disease. Somehow we have a different idea about superchicken. Oh well. Still, this is a positive development. All we need to do is replace all the non-super chickens with super chickens and we are all safe. Isn’t science wonderful?

MCS Board working to deal with pregnancies at Frayser High School

Memphis school officials are desperate to slow the epidemic of pregnancies (90 at last count) at Frayser High School. Officials are quick to say that very few of these pregnancies actually were started at the high school but still, they feel that it is a community problem and like the rest of the government, the schools are there to help. In the old days there was an effective program fr dealing with high school pregnancies. It was called shame which has apparently been rejected by modern day America. (Is anybody ashamed of anything these days?) In my day, girls who were stupid enough to get pregnant disappeared for a few months before returning to school. Miraculously there were always babies available for adoption- unlike today when we have to import them from third world countries) And there weren’t very many of them despite obortion beeing illegal and contraception primitive. Those girls were known to the community as sluts which used to be a pejorative instead of affirmative appellation. I suggest that the school adopt a new mascot. Frayser High School – the home of the sluts. It has a nice ring to it.

Woman fights bank fees, missed final house payment

No wonder we all love banks. Miss your last house payment and pay outrageous fees or get foreclosed. Wouldn’t life be wonderful if we could manage without either banks or lawyers? Yeah I know I’m dreaming.

Russia nears arms pact approval, warns on pullout

Apparently the new democratic Russia is not much different from the old democratic Soviet Union. If they don’t like how you play the game, they will take their marbles and go home. In this case, the newly approved (by the Lame Duck Congress) Start Treaty which will severely limit US nuclear armaments is only good so long as Russia feels good about the west. So tell me again, why we bother making treaties with the Russians?

Rescuers struggle as Brazil flood deaths rise

As the floods still rage in Australia, Brazil struggles with floods of its own. Conveniently, the destruction of substandard buildings in the area will help the government as it prepares for the coming World Cup and Olympics.

Forget Cellphones; Casinos Say Poker Is Answer to State’s Budget Woes

Desperate to find new revenues, California is considering a new solution poker. Yes, it is that simple. People are just desperate to play poker in California Casinos. All that California needs to do to become solvent is to permit poker in California casinos. How about double or nothing on your income tax?

Red sky at night… Sicily looks on as Mount Etna erupts in spectacular fashion

Now for some good news! Mother Nature is a wonderful woman. Hot and full of surprises. Check out the videos.

Lincoln Bus Fracas Caught On Camera

Forget Global Warming. Civilization will be dead long before we suffer any damages. Single mothers will destroy life as we know it, one bus at a time. The video is better than TV.

That’s all the news this Coot can take for this week. The rest is up to you. Don’t forget to leave a comment and get class credit.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s Week in Review January 9, 2010

Posted by Ralph at 11:32 Headline News

Jan 092011

: Image by unertlkm via Flickr

Breaking News about the Coots News Service

The Coot’s News Service (CNS) is happy to serve our readers by screening the hot news headlines each week, saving them from the tedious task of reading all that crap. Long years of experience allows this coot to deftly skim the cream and get through the news without having to worry that there is anything you need to know. It is a thankless task but this Coot knows that nurturing a cantankerous spirit can be difficult and when it comes to knowing up from down, reading the newspaper or listening to radio or TV is worthless. Without enough seasoning, Coots in training need careful guidance before they can face a newspaper alone. Not only is the news bad for you, reading the news is an addiction that does great harm and has no benefits. Abstinence is one way to kick the habit but it is very difficult unless you are willing to become a hermit. Therefore we offer an extension course from COCU (Cantankerous Old Coots University) in stealth mode. This course is in the form of our news service each week and is designed to numb you to the idea that you need to know anything reported in the newspapers. Earlier editions of the CNS were intended merely to get you comfortable with the format but today we are kicking into production mode as a full fledged COCU course. And you have homework!

Each reader has two assignments which must be completed before you get class credit:

1. Leave a comment on this post

2. (a)Tell which story is the one you least need to know or

(b) leave a link to a story is so important that that it should have been included (and why you think so).

Course credit will be awarded by COCU after comments are left on five different CNS posts. The names of graduates will be displayed in a place of honor on COC and will receive an autographed electronic copy of the COCU e-book containing the first five Coots lessons and a bonus lesson. Don’t miss your chance for undying fame and international exposure. Now on to the news.

‘Vitriol’ Cited As Possible Factor In Arizona Tragedy

NPR suggests that the twenty year old alleged gunman who shot a congressman (female) and a federal judge (male) at a supermarket on Saturday was angry because the store was out of vitriol. Possibly the congressman (female) and judge (male) were conspiring to restrict access of the public to this popular energy drink. The congressman (female) was shot in the head but was being treated in a local hospital. The judge, an aid and an eight year old girl were killed. No information about the continued availability of vitriol was released.

14 decapitated bodies found in Mexico resort city

In case you were thinking that Mexican resort cities (Think Acapulco) were wonderful places for that tropical vacation, the discovery of 14 decapitated bodies in a shopping mall might make you reconsider. Just in case that authorities might be confused, the local drug lord left a note claiming responsibility. He was obviously afraid that tourists might be confused and afraid to haggle over purchasing goods there. This is just another sign of the success that the Mexican Federal government is having in its fight to regain control over Mexico. ‘At least 30,196 people have died in drug-related violence since President Felipe Calderon launched an offensive against cartels in late 2006. ‘ Mexico is starting to make even Aruba look safe.

Ten injured in 52-vehicle crash on I-95

Sobering news from the snowbound east coast. With less than one inch of snow, 52 vehicles get caught in a big mess in Virginia. No word about how many of these vehicles were driven by government workers but the proximity to the nation’s capitol makes the odds pretty good that it was most of them. With any luck they will all be off work for a time relieving the yoke of oppression on the rest of us temporarily.

Snake Disappears On Red Line

Can you say snakes on a train? A Boston lady is devastated to lose her pet boa constrictor on the Boston Red Line. Her owner says that Melissa is very mellow and timid and never hisses or bites but that she can get into some very small spaces. MBTA spokesman Joe Pesaturo said they’re confident it’s safe to ride the Red Line and commuters shouldn’t worry. Samuel L Jackson could not be reached for comment.

Elderly Swedes bloodied in snow shovel brawl

Forget Mexico and Aruba! It is even unsafe to visit Sweden these days where you might get beaten up by old men with snow shovels. Coots are speechless. Usually Swedes are peace loving and only beat on Norwegians.

Oprah’s OWN ratings fall during first week

The most powerful man (female) in the world suffered a serious setback this week as ratings for her new cable network fell. And we were worried about global warming. The world economy may not recover.

NJ police: Man seeking ‘portal to hell’ stabbed 2

Coots have long suspected that New Jersey was the portal to hell but that suspicion was confirmed when a local man reportedly found it in a backyard in Union NJ. He stabbed two women who interfered with his clearing of the portal. The man was seriously injured defending the portal but finally subdued and is now receiving treatment. Now you have a second reason to visit New Jersey (right after Atlantic City).

Britain Vows To Change ‘Embarrassing’ Libel Law

Britain’s economy has recovered so much that the Libel Tourism law is no longer needed to boost tourism in the UK. Up to now it has been so easy to charge libel in Britain that celebrities from around the world have flocked to Britain to silence critics and news reporters. With the strong economy, this is no longer necessary. Authorities now claim to be embarrassed by the law. This has to be a lie because government authorities are never embarrassed.

You’ll work on the big day Queen tells palace staff

No holiday for the working stiffs at the Palace (both north and south) just because of the upcoming royal wedding. It will be business as usual on that festive day for the Palace employees even though regular folk will have a bank holiday. The Queen says that she can’t afford the loss of revenue from tourism at the popular attractions if she closed it down.

So that is the course for today. Now get busy on your homework.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s Week in Review- Welcome to 2011

Posted by Ralph at 15:52 Headline News

Jan 022011

: Image by randihausken via Flickr

The new year starts out with wild and crazy weather. Records cold temperatures in Florida and biblical floods in Australia. Then tornadoes kill seven in the midwest and birds fall from the sky. Mother Nature appears ready to show puny humans who is boss. Even Al Gore is silent.

NOAA on Miami Florida: Coldest December on Record

Florida needs more global warming as December posted the coldest weather ever recorded in Miami. Despite a record hot summer, the yearly average temperature was down 1 degree for 2010. Despite the cold temperatures, Miami avoids a white Christmas.

Woman, 41, drowns trying to drive across flooded road as natural disaster in Australia reaches ‘biblical proportions’

Meanwhile a flood of ‘biblical proportion affects 200,000 people in southeast Australia. Experts say that this has nothing to do with global warming. This part of Australia sees precipitation swings and has just completed a drought cycle. NOAA seems to have missed this one.

Tornadoes on New Years Eve kill seven in Missouri and Arkansas

Killer tornadoes devastate the midwest leaving seven dead in Missouri and Arkansas. Mewesterners are used to tornadoes but this New Years pod of killers suggests that 2011 may be a year to remember.

Update: Thousands of birds fall from the sky in Beebe

Experts have no idea what is causing the birds to fall from the sky. Some are just flat out dead but others are merely dazed and confused and after reaching the ground they wander around in circles. Unlike the birds in the Hitchcock thriller, these birds seem to have no evil intent

With a start like this 2011 seems destined to shake us all up. Any body read Revelations lately?

On to more mundane news. Movie attendance has dropped for 2010 and taxpayers must delay filing their taxes for 2010.

Movie Attendance down for 2010

Well, duh. This Coot is compelled to attend a movie at most twice a year, usually from the coercion of my son. I can’t forget that movies used to have a plot, character development and laughable special effects. Movie makers have forgotten everything about movie making except effects. They assume that the audience can’t follow a plot so they just use the same one over and over. The most adventurous they get is to remake old movies like True Grit with special effects and profanity. With nothing to attract an audience and skyrocketing popcorn costs, no wonder people stay home and watch reruns oc CSI.

50 million taxpayers must delay filing – IRS

IRS says too bad if you want to file your income tax early this year. Don’t blame the IRS, though. It is all Congress’ fault because until Congress acted to postpone the Obama tax increases, the IRS couldn’t program their computers. It’s probably on purpose since the government will have to borrow from the Chinese in order to come up with the refund money anyway.

And some people just got fired up about the new year. I guess the cold was too much for them.

NJ Woman Charged With Setting Boyfriend on Fire

The woman says it was all an accident. She lit a cigarette while trying to find her car keys and accidentally set her boyfriend on fire. The boyfriend is recovering in a Philadelphia burn center. He had no comment about his hot New Years Eve.

Rioting prisoners set fire to British jail

Prisoners in a medium security prison in Britain riot and finally set fire to the jail in protest of taking breath tests. Must be the cold that sets off the desire to set fires. These prisoners say they just ad enough when guards attempted to check their breath for illicit alcohol. If they can’t have alcohol to keep them warm then a fire is the only alternative.

People are still upset at the TSA for feeling up innocent traveler. One traveler take extreme measures to no avail. Airports across the country are looking to hire private companies to avoid the TSA government monopoly.

Charlottesville man protests airport security, is arrested

You just can’t please the TSA. Even stripping to your skivvies is not enough to please the officious TSA. It is a sad day.

As frustration grows, airports consider ditching TSA

As few airports use private companies for security screening of passengers but as the furor over the indecent feel ups that the TSA has begun, more are looking to get out from under the TSA thumb. TSA still has oversight but airports have more control over screeners who get carried away. Under private management they can actually fire people.

And finally an update from California. California can’t live within its means, make a budget and provide the services we expect from local government but it can tell you what to do. Californians have 725 new things they can’t do thanks to their hard working (and very well paid) full time legislators.

There Oughta Be a Law: Californians Getting 725 New Ones in 2011

Just what we need in California- more laws. There are so many things you can’t do legally anymore that it is dangerous to step outside your house. At least for now you are still free to do what you want in the privacy of your home. The legislature had to have something to come back for next year.

So that is how 2011 is getting started. It is bound to be a fantastic year.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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