Jun 192011
 
behold... the funky turkey baster!!

Image by limowreck666 via Flickr

It’s Father’s Day!

Did you notice? Maybe you missed all the TV ads reminding you to remember your dear old Dad with a nice wrench. Cut the crap! Everybody knows that Dads were rendered unnecessary by the feminist revolution and the discovery of new ways to use a turkey baster. When is the last time you saw a TV show or movie with a Dad that mattered? It might be 60 years in my case. Maybe you young sprouts have never seem one- ever. Dad’s today are always dumb, often venal and would be living on the street without their wives to keep them from disaster. (What this says about women today is a question we won’t even ponder.) Marriage is a cruel mockery of its former glory. No wonder the only people who want to get married today are homosexuals. Somebody should warn them about being careful what you wish for.

But back to the news.

Trying to find good news is always hard but trying to find good news about fathers is almost impossible. I was looking for inspiring stories about fathers today, men who stepped up. Men who, in spite of all the criticisms of fatherhood and the built-in limitations of the male gender, took charge and showed their little nippers how to take on the world and win. Alas, that’s not what the reporters want us to see. Today’s model Dads are metro sexual wusses sharing their tender moments in carefully staged photo shoots to reveal their softer sides.

Hollywood’s Most Sporting Dads

The wussification of Dads is old news by now, even rock stars want to fit the model.

Dads Who Rock

The true feelings of the media show up most clearly in movies. Not only are fathers unnecessary, they reflect the base and venal nature of the male sex and nothing good can be expected from that combination. Usually the media avoids stating this directly. We have been so conditioned that a mild suggestion will cause us all to break into enthusiastic agreement just like Pavlovian dogs. Salon Magazine is an exception.  They keep it right up front.  Today they provide a  top ten list of bad father movies just in time to head off any warm fuzzies you might have about dear old Dad on his day.

The 10 worst dads in movie history

There is not much to say about being a father these days. You don’t get much respect anywhere you look. Nobody remembers Ward Clever or Robert Young and even if they did, they would turn masculine responsibility and family leadership into a joke. My suggestion for modern-day fathers on Father’s Day is just not to play the game. Ignore the whole thing. Everybody else will too and tomorrow will be just another day.

 

 

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Jun 052011
 
finally...some good news!

Image by debaird™ via Flickr

It’s official.

The world has gone to hell. As the indefatigable Coot’s news staff scoured the news sources today, they were unable to find a single bit of good news. The weather is bad! The economy is getting worse by the minute. You can’t even eat vegetables or drink green tea because instead of making you healthier they can lay you flat. It’s enough to depress this Coot.

Still, whining is not the American way- at least the American way I learned. I’m not about going negative about all the negative news. The Coot’s News Service is going pro-active.

If the news media can’t be bothered to find good news in spite of the billions of dollars we throw at them, then, by golly, we are just going to find our own. Long study of the news profession has convinced me that the reporters make up at least 125% of all the stuff they print anyway. If they can do it , then certainly I can. And I know that you, the Coots readers can as well. I’m thinking of the news headlines that I would like to see on my morning newspaper. What would make me happy to face the new day and confident that we are heading to a bright future.  Headlines like this.

Scientists discover how to end the heartbreak of baldness.

Global Warming is over. New glacier formation reaches all time high.

Economic boom floods governments with cash. Legislators hard put to spend all the money.

Lawmakers lengthen each day to 25 hours giving everyone 7 extra hours of leisure time each week.

Government refines health pyramid. Fast food is declared healthy. The new motto is “If it tastes good then it’s good for you.”

So those are my good news headlines for this week. Now it’s your turn. What headlines would you like to see in your morning paper. Share your suggestions and lets put the news media on notice that since they make it all up anyway, we want them to give us good news.  Add your headlines to the comments and from all the Coots,

Have a Happy Week.

 

 

 

 

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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May 292011
 
Reefer Madness

Image via Wikipedia

Well, it’s the big Memorial Day Weekend, and I know that everybody will be busy visiting the cemeteries and honoring the heroes that kept our nation free and safe.  Still the idea of a three day weekend just gets everybody thinking about vacations.   With the economy tanking and gas prices soaring, I don’t know how to find the money for a vacation, even a staycation.  Still  the tourism boom seems to be continuing, meaning that somebody has money. Maybe my turn is coming!   Last weeks good news noted that tourism was way up in Miami. This week we find more good news from Mexico. In spite, or maybe because of those big drug wars, tourists are flocking to Mexico as never before.

Mexico tourism booms despite drug violence

Tourism is driving the Netherlands to make some changes as well. The government has decided that it’s fine for natives to get high but they want their tourists clear headed. The future of tourism is riding on the outcome. Which country is going to be the tourist destination for the future- drug dominated Mexico or clear headed Holland? Will those tulip fields look the same without reefer madness?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Dutch government to ban tourists from cannabis shops

Closer to home, North Carolina hope to benefit from the hype from the new Pirates movie.

Blackbeard’s anchor recovered off NC coast

Gas prices seem to be down a bit over the past week but the long run prognosis seems bad what with the shut down of drilling in the Gulf and the myriad strange creatures that are doomed by any attempt to find energy in the US. Still those energy companies won’t give up. They keep on looking and darn, if they just don’t keep finding more oil. The economy will boom if only from the increased research to find some ugly critter that will die if we drill. It’s a win-win.

Shale Boom in Texas Could Increase U.S. Oil Output

Most of us have given up on getting any efficiency out the the government. It just seems like a loosing cause no matter what we do. Give it up for the President this week for making a new breakthrough. You know those wasteful bill signing ceremonies and all the time when the President could be playing golf or doing something else? Well they are a thing of the past. We don’t need the President any more.

If a machine can sign for the President, could Sasha, too?

This final story is bittersweet. It’s good news for these young stars but bad news for their heartsick fans. Justin Beiber is in love.

Selena says Justin is her ‘thunder’ as the pair frolic on the beach

Let the miracle of young love keep you going through this next week. It’s the future of the world as we know it.

 

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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May 222011
 
OBAMA, FUKUI, JAPAN - JANUARY 20:  A visitor p...

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

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The World  didn’t end!

There’s good news this week. In fact, it’s hard to know just where to start but since the economy has been such a bummer, I’m drawn to the good news on the economic front first. It seems that tourism in Miami is booming.  Hold on, I’ll explain. You may be thinking that tourism in Miami doesn’t mean much for Detroit but think about it. Tourists don’t live in the places they visit so if people are finding the money to travel to Miami and boost the economy, it must mean that the economy where they live is turning around too. Where else would they get the money?  So things must be looking up in Detroit.

What Recession? Miami-Dade Tourism Soars

But there is more good news. We have all been enjoying the peace and security courtesy of the current Presidency. All that old divisive rhetoric and partisan squabbling from the old regime has been replaced by care and sensitivity. Sure, we still have problems. We are strapped for energy and the prices are through the roof but help is on the way. When we finally work our way out our dependency on energy we will put the old money grubbing attitude on hold and free our inner ying- or is it yang. Why am I so optimistic about the new world our President is leading us to? Easy it’s already started.

GAS STATION RENAMES ITSELF AFTER BARACK OBAMA

The First Lady is part of the solution too. By helping us see the danger in the food all around us, gradually we are learning that we have to say no to tasty food. The evidence of how her message is resonating is everywhere. Everybody is helping and using whatever tools they have at hand.

Woman Threatens Dairy Queen Employees with a Grenade

Louisville woman pulls sword at Pizza Hut

It;s even catching on next door in Canada.

Canadian hospital group bans doughnuts

So today, the economy is on the mend. We are getting our heads straight about energy and food. That’s all well and good but there is more to life than basic needs. Man does not live by bread alone, they say. What about pleasure. Well never fear, our boy Justin is looking out for that.

Justin Bieber to launch perfume line

So that’s the good news for this week. I’m feeling better about things, particularly since I just noticed that the world didn’t end yesterday. It’s all good.

 

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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May 152011
 
Scotch

Image via Wikipedia

uiuiui

It’s another frustrating week- nothing new about that!

In our weekly quest for some good news to report this week, your Coot’s correspondent confesses to some frustration. As always there is a preponderance of bad news caused principally by the perverse need for humans to gloat over somebody else’s misfortune. The Coot’s News Service tries to stay above this pettiness but sometimes bad news is actually good news. Take big cities. What good has ever come from big cities? Too many people crammed together is a recipe for disaster so therefore bad news for cities is good news for humanity.

I told you that the Coot’s News Service leaves not stone unturned.

We start the news this week with stories with the hopeful message that cities are not the answer. First the news that people under 30 are deserting New York City for greener pastures.

New Yorkers under 30 plan to flee city, says new poll; cite high taxes, few jobs as reasons

And if people are fleeing New York City, the high murder rate in Dallas will surely encourage savvy residents to relocate as well.

Killings Averaging 1 Daily in Dallas

Perhaps they should consider moving to Frisco now that civilization has arrived.

Woman Bursts into Joyful Tears During In-N-Out Grand Opening

There is some real good news this week even as tornadoes continue to terrorize the country. This story tells how a young boy survived a tornado that destroyed his hour by hiding in a dryer.

Boy rides out storm in dryer

In International news, it appears that recent elections may free the oppressed Scottish minority from the oppressive yoke of British domination. It is not clear just yet how this will play out and what it will mean to lovers of Scotch whisky all around the world. This Coot hopes that freedom for the Scots won’t mean that they have enough money to drink it all themselves leaving nothing to export.

Landslide Election Brings Scottish Independence Closer

Our final news item brings togther two of our favorite people, The president and Justn Bieber. With such a powerful duo, it just has to be good news.

Justin Bieber And President Obama Team Up To Make A Fan’s Dreams Come True

So that’s the news for this week. It wasn’t easy finding good news and even harder to give it the best spin. Come back next week. We can always hope that the news will get better.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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