Sep 192011
 
USA Today
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USA Today’s top headlines for this week are a mixed bag testing the Coot’s vast knowledge and experience with human affairs, politics and life.  Never fear, however, the coot’s won’t let you down.

Looking Ahead: The Week and Monday

There is lots going on.  Myanmar (Burma to real people) has finally released their most feared dissident after 15 years of house arrest.  No explanation of this change in tactics – perhaps it signals a ‘kinder, gentler’ kind of tyranny.  Maybe not.  President Obama continues his whirlwind Asia tour after wowing the adoring multitudes in India, Indonesia and South Korea.  Next stop Tokyo, then home to the folks that love him best- the lame duck congress meeting to lick their wounds .  Makes you proud to be an American.

Missing North Carolina girl found

By matching DNA from bones, police identified the body of a missing North Carolina girl.  No good news here at all.  The stepmother fabricated stories and the father seems up to no good- even though his misbehaving is apparently unrelated to the girl going missing.

Michigan Lottery Pays our record $268 million

This is the second week that Michigan has hit in the top headlines- maybe things are looking up for the automobile state.  Last week they were hammering alcoholic energy drinks.  This week they are giving out record  lottery payouts. Michigan is on the move. Michiganders, is this infusion of money going to boost the economy?

New Study shows that men fake orgasms

You wonder why people are upset about government waste?  Somebody committed our money for this study and who but the government would need a study to tell them something everybody knows.  Since the study was conducted by the University of Kansas, it does shed light on another interesting revelation – despite it’s reputation, Kansans do indeed have sex.

Supreme Court won’t touch Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

The President wants to end the current treatment of gays (Homosexuals, for real people) in the military.  Despite his promise to end the fakery of Don’t Ask, Don’t tell which has been the policy for years, he doesn’t have the guts to do it and take the credit.  He would rather let the activist judges in the courts do the dirty work.  Since it is already ricocheting around the courts, the Supremes are willing to let nature take it’s course.  Meanwhile our military is diverted as big policy changes are set by legal fiat rather than legislative deliberation.  Doesn’t anybody remember that we are at war?

Post Office Loss bigger than expected

Coot’s are shocked.  We expected the Post Office to be loosing money.  It’s what they do best.  Right after dropping your package and loosing your welfare check.  They are already not printing the stamp cost on postage.  Coot’s predict that postage will soon be priced like seafood at a restaurant – with a daily rate.

Clinton praises Bush’s new book

It’s an American tradition.  When we elect a new president, the old one writes a book.  It’s a great plan because it keeps the old presidents solvent once they leave office, not to mention that when they are writing a book they have little time to fuss about what a mess the current president is making.  Former presidents make a small, exclusive club and lately they have started cheering for each other.  Now Clinton chimes in to say that Bush 2’s new book is well-written and interesting.  Clinton must have a new one coming out.

Michigander challenges Marylander for head of GOP

In case you haven’t noticed, Coots just love saying Michigander (although we can’t help wondering if there are also Michigooses).  Michigan just can’t stay out of the spotlight. Lottery payouts, alcoholic energy drinks and now running the GOP. Maybe next they will invade Canada.

Obama leaves G20 Summit empty handed

If at first you don’t succeed, just keep failing. Our glorious leader has two strikes against him in his Asian adulation tour.  Next stop Japan.  Will he finally get a hit or will he strike out?   And then home for another Tea Party .

It looks like an exciting week ahead

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Sep 182011
 
USA Today
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The weekend and beyond

Sunday- It’s the Philadelphia Marathon– watch thousands of people stress their bodies beyond reason just to demonstrate that you are a sad couch potato

It is also World Hello Day – This is a new one to the Coots. Apparently started after the 6 day war, today is your opportunity to spread the word that world peace is great. Just say hello to 10 people and you are done. Hello!

Other good news- Congress is in recess. Hallelujah! Since they won’t do their job like extending the tax cuts, the only way to keep them from doing more damage is to be on recess. Take your time Congress.  We promise not to miss you.

Alaska Senate race kerfuffle

Current Senator Lisa Murkowski lost the primary and ran as a write in candidate beating the guy that beat her – if you count all the ballots from people that don’t know how to spell Murkowski. Murkowski may be a sore loser but she showed her opponent not to fool with the big money interests that run Alaska and who financed her write-in campaign and wrangled a soft interpretation of the election  law during the counting. If her opponent sues, the judge will delay the certification. Now the question is, how many Alaskans can spell Murkowski. With all the money, Mukowski spent saving her seat, she should have held a spelling bee before the election.

Houston exporter who sold outdated food for U.S. troops to pay $15M

Upstanding Houston exporter with a strangely foreign sounding name sells bad food to the military. Samir and his lovely wife Suzanne bought outdated food and changed the expiration dates before selling it. Coot’s research staff is unable to determine the religious persuasion and countries of origin of Samir and Suzanne. No doubt this is unnecessary information which might prejudice readers who would otherwise be indifferent to poisoning our troops. Coots can’t help wondering if this is a twofer- make a bundle while waging an undercover  jihad.

Senate OKs $4.5B to settle claims by black farmers, American Indians

Coots can’t figure this one out. Black farmers are allowed to file late and still get money because they are black? What about the white and yellow farmers who can’t file on time. This sounds like big time discrimination to us. If you are an Indian, you don’t even have to file. What is America coming too?

TSA to let pilots skip body scanners, pat-downs

Coots have already weighed in on the new TSA assault on privacy. TSA has so far hung tough with the line that it is for our own good. Letting the pilots skip the pat down is the first softening in their hard line with the quite reasonable assumption that the pilot has no need for explosives if he wants to crash the plane. Does this back-down indicate that the fortress has been breached and that we can expect further retreat? Don’t hold your breath but Coots will keep you informed.

2,000 aborted fetuses found in Bangkok temple

Coots don’t know many Buddists. We have always felt the love from the rotund, smiling Buddah and believed the best about his followers. Now we learn that Thai Buddists are even more inscrutable than we thought. I’m not sure what the old fashioned abortionists here in America did with their fetuses (pre the rewrite of the Constitution). I know that they never would have been stored in the Methodist Church basement. Not so in Thailand. Just drop them off at he local temple for a rebate.

MSNBC suspends ‘Morning Joe’ host for political contributions

First Keith Olberman and now Joe Scarborough violate MSNBC’s prohibition against making political contributions. It must be part of the fine print.

Ground Zero workers settle lawsuit

Coots can’t help wondering why this required a lawsuit. Can’t we do the right thing without a lawyer? We sure can’t do much right with them, it’s for damn sure.

Gettysburg Address is 147 years old today

Coots readers will already know about this historic event thanks to Justin’s Gettysburg podcast. Just another demonstration of the value that reading the Coots can provide. If you don’t read it from Coots, you don’t need it.

Ukraine’s topless protesters gain fame

It is great to watch as Ukraine’s infant democracy gains experience. Originally focusing on women’s rights, the protesters now address politican issues as well. Coot’s just love democracy in action. We could watch all day.

These are the headlines that USA Today says are important.  Who are we to complain.  Now you know what is important, now do something worthwhile (and stay out of the headlines doing it).  We will be watching.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Sep 142011
 
Neon signs, Mansfield, Ohio - City News and Co...
Image by brianbutko via Flickr

Its rain for Christmas where this Coot lives although it means lots of snow just a few miles up the mountains.  You might expect to hear Bah Humbug but today I’m mellow after getting sprung from a holding cell at the hospital.  This was my first hospital stay for over 50 years and I have to say that things haven’t improved.  Hospitals were a medieval institution 50 years ago and they are still medieval today.  You would think somebody would have had an idea about treating sickness in 500 years but apparently not.  Still this Coot is happy at being sprung (no mean feat even when you are healthy, I learned).  I was hoping for some encouraging news this week but it’s the usual lot.  Before we dive into the news, however, Merry Christmas from all the Coots.  And now the headlines.

U.S. Postal Service Ready for Busiest Mailing Day

The Post Office doesn’t get much appreciation these days but you have to admit they cope pretty well with their big season.  Monday is expected to be the busiest day for the Post Office this year as everyon rushes to get their Christmas mailing done in time for delivery before Christmas. 800 million piecers of mail are expected to enter the system on Monday which is 40% higher than the average daily traffic. Since the Post Office depends on revenue to support its services, they have to hope that this seasonal load stays strong as people forget how to write letters. This means it is probably time for this Coot to mail his Christmas cards.

Amazing Spectacle: Total Lunar Eclipse Monday Night

Too bad we can’t get a rain delay because Monday night a total eclipse of the moon will be visible from about half of the earth. North and South America as well as Western Europe and Eastern Asia will be able to view the earths shaow cover the moon in a 3 hour spectacle. This coot will miss it because of a series of storms pelting the west coast of the US. If the weather is good, however, everyone should check out the times and plan to watch. Unlike eclipses of the Sun, lunar eclipses are visible from everywhere the moon s above the horizon. Don’t miss it if your weather is good.

For $250M, Nigeria drops bribery charges against Cheney, Halliburton

Of course bribery, corruption and scandal are never seen in Africa which is known for the honesty and public service of its government officials so it is easy to see that attacking Halliburton was a no brainer. We all know that Halliburton never does anything honorable so they make an easy mark. Since we all know how evil Hallburton is, they must have corrupted some naive Nigerian official to be albe to complete a bribe. The only recourse for the Nigerian government was to sue in order to recover some of the funds which would otherwise have gone to the official. Just another victory for the Nigerian people.

Arizona, Nevada accuse Bank of America of foreclosure fraud

These states say that B of A deceived homeowners who thought they were getting their home loans modified and then foreclosed anyway. B of A cries foul claiming that they were trying to negotiate some better arrangements. As far as the Coots cam tell, the TARP buyout has so corrupted the process that banks like B of A even if they weren’t inherently evil get no benefit from refinancing loans so they prefer to foreclose. What makes them evil is the attempt to appear to work with the home owners while getting the loan off the books. Where is Barney Frank when you need him?

191 inmates flee Mexican jail near Laredo, Texas

Coots are in a quandary here. We don’t know why it is newsworthy that people want to break out of Mexican jails even when they are close to Loredo Texas. We believe that Mexican jails are all equally unpleasant places no matter where they are located. We wonder what the message is here. Is the security worse close to the Texas border? Maybe it is just the lure of the border that seems to capture all Mexicans these days. With the border so close, they just can’t control themselves. The story doesn’t explain their motive or how long it took them to cross the border to safety in the US where nobody will bother them.  Whatever happened to reporting the news.  I learned that you needed to have the five W’s.  What, Where, When, Why and Who.  Step it up guys!

Laura Bush speaks by phone to Suu Kyi

The government of Myanmar has release pro-democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi. Now we learn that Laura Bush has talked to her by telephone. We don’t know what was said or if she has been invited to the ranch. In fact this story reveals only two previously unknown facts. We now know that it is possible to reach residents of Myanmar by telephone and also learn that it is apparently ok to call Myanmar Burma. Neither of these makes much difference to this Coot. I’ve always called Burma Burma.

Chicago voters back city casino, poll says

In a stunning blow to the Daley machine in Chicago, voters now say that they no longer trust the Daley family that has run Chicago for over 50 years to keep the lights on and the politicians greased. They now want casinos to pay the bills instead of the Daley bosses. This Coot still has fond memories of the first Daley who was mayor when he attended college in Chicago. The man was a master of everything except, perhaps the English language. I remember him telling us that the City had achieved a new, high platitude of success. As a smart-assed undergraduate, I thought he misspoke. After watching Chicago for nearly 50 years, I am reconsidering. Maybe he was right on.

WikiLeaks founder charges ‘smear campaign’ against him

Julian Assange, the Wikileaks founder was finally caught in Britain and is fighting attempts by Sweden to extradite him  to Sweden to face rape charges. Apparently the national security of the US and it’s allies is unimportant because the US government seems unwilling to make any charges despite serious damage from the leaked documents. The Swedes are apparently unable to tolerate a little friendly rape.  Interviews with the reclusive Assange safely ensconced at the estate of a supporter, reveal why he has staked his career on leaking documents. The man is incapable of thinking an independent thought. He explains his activities thusly:

“We must remember that this is not the beginning of the end, it’s the end of the beginning,” he said.

It is indeed, Mr. Assange. It is indeed unless , of course it is the middle of the middle.

Now enjoy your Christmas season without worrying about those annoying headlines.  Nothing important is scheduled to happen over the next week and even if it does you will be powerless to stop it so just relax and overeat.  You need to have something to make a New Years resolution about.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Sep 112011
 

What we saw in October 2008

Taken by Rosalie Carlson

 We Survived! 

Much as I would like to ignore it, today is the ten year anniversary of the attack on America which destroyed the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center and killed thousands of innocent people. Remembering that day and the impact of that event on the way we live is painful. It isn’t something that we remember fondly. It’s something that we wall up in a seldom visited corner of our brains. Today, however, it is time to take it out and remember;celebrate the heroes; congratulate the survivors and move on. After much controversy (much too much from my perspective) plans were finalized for rebuilding and memorializing. It is a shame to take so long but finally the site is on the way to healing the scars from that day. It is bittersweet to see this progress but important and good news that we are moving on.

The World Trade Center Is Now Totally Above Ground

Since we are talking about moving on, there is more good news. You probably get sick of all the people telling you that meat is bad for you and for the environment as well. It’s almost like they were all reading from the same script. Meat kills you. Cows cause air pollution. They are wrong!  Well not only is meat good for you because it contains necessary nutrients that you can’t get from  plants, cattle are good for the environment. (What a setup for next week when we are celebrating Cheeseburger Day).

Beef we can believe in

Since the President was very insistent this week that this year he is finally getting serious about creating jobs, we can all be confident that the economy will soon be roaring to life once more. But just in case, this plan takes longer than he hopes, there is a new experiment in living out in Berkeley that just might help us deal with a more limited future.

FORGET ‘DUMPSTER DIVING’ — THIS IS DUMPSTER LIVING!

Oh and one more bit of good news.

NASA: Unlikely falling satellite will hit you

So that’s the good news this week. With all the 911 buzz, it’s hard to find good news stories but now that we know how good beef is, I can’t wait for National Cheeseburger Day next week. If anybody has good Cheeseburger stories, please pass them along. We’ll even give you a byline.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Sep 082011
 
The "NEWS FLASH" title card.
Image via Wikipedia

Welc0ome to the last news bulletin for 2010.  Coots can’t wait till this one is over.  We all need a fresh start.

3 arrested over London theft of $1.9M Stradivarius

Snacking while transporting a borrowed Stradivarius violin turns to disaster for a Korean musician in London. While getting something to eat, three thugs snag the $1.9 million violin. Although police have the thugs, nobody seems to know what happened to the violin. Coot’s hope that the sandwich was worth it.

Romanian jumps from Parliament balcony to protest budget cuts

Coots were unmoved by protesting Greeks, French and British citizens when their governments cut programs recently. Those protests were mere gestures, carrying signs and chanting slogans. Just what you would expect lazy, overfed civil servants and welfare recipients to do, complain noisily and get in the way. You have to respect this Romanian, however. This guy really knows how to make an impact. No wimpy signs and chants. When Romanians protest austerity measures, they take it seriously. This man threw himself off a twenty foot balcony. Even so, the government didn’t relent.  Apparently the Chinese aren’t willing to buy Romania until they finish with the US.

Rahm Emanuel ruled a Chicago resident, stays on mayoral ballot

Chicago is a remarkable city. Not only does it have an enviable climate but the forces of nature seem to work differently in the former second city. Normally, you might expect that a law that says you must be a resident for two years would mean that you needed to live in Chicago for two years. But, of course you would be wrong. What it means in Chicago is that you wanted to live in Chicago for two years while you actually lived elsewhere. Heck, this Coot could qualify. No, wait a minute, I really don’t miss those minus 10 degree winds off the lake.

Arizona man returns Michigan library book 76 years overdue

Better late than never seems to work with the Mount Clemons Michigan Library. They were so happy to get A Dog of Flanders back after 76 years that they forgave the fines. The 89 year old retiree now living in Arizona was contrite saying,

“I was entranced by the book and kept it with my prized possessions, intending to return it forthwith,” McKee wrote in an accompanying letter. “Thus began a 76-year odyssey of missed opportunity and intention.”

Coots are unimpressed. This is just another case of pandering to criminals. We suspect that one book is just the tip of the iceberg. He has probably got the entire set of Lassie books that are over due as well.

Anarchists say they bombed Swiss, Chilean embassies

Italian anarchists have been busy using the government apparatus of Italy to deliver bombs to the Swiss and Chilean embassies. Anarchists always bewilder this Coot. Although they exist within the frameworks of whatever country they infest, they claim to want to eliminate government and order. Since there is precious little organization and order in the Italian government, it is hard to see what improvement they think is possible. Perhaps, however they merely want to export Italy’s own anarchy to the more orderly states of Switzerland and Chile. Coots suspect the truth is more that anarchists don’t know what they are doing.

Northeast braces for monster storm

Blizzard may pump 18 inches on the Jersey Shore before moving on to the rest of the northeast. Snookie was unavailable for comment.  Airlines have canceled flights Sunday but expect the return to their schedules on Monday. Coots are still wondering about global warming. It doesn’t seem to be working out as predicted. I guess I need to take a road trip in the Hummer.

Well that’s about it for this week.  Coot’s hope that the Holiday week will provide something more upbeat and positive for  the first summary of the new year.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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