Down with Earth Day

 Posted by at 17:02  Down with
Jun 022014
 

For 40 years we have listened to the messages of Earth Day. We have been harangued, nagged, lectured and even forced by nanny state legislation to be kind to our planet. We are told that our long-suffering planet just can’t take any more of human exploitation and manipulation. Its resources are depleted. Its resilience overwhelmed. Its climate is being changed. And it is all the fault of the greedy and self-serving human race.

Prophets of doom tell us that we are down to the wire. Our poor planet can’t take much more of humanity. We need to change our ways. Stop using our wasteful technology. Live simple lives. Grow our own healthy food. Power our vehicles with our own muscles. Stop traveling the world. They tell us that only by stepping back from our extravagant lifestyles and ever more aggressive technologies can we save our ravaged planet from disaster.

I’m not buying it any more. I’ve been nice. My car gets 26 mpg. I set my thermostat high in the summer and low in the winter and take the wrath of my long suffering wife in return. I separate the trash and keep track of which trash can to put out each week so that everything can be recycled. I am doing my part. What I don’t see is any reciprocation on the part of our planet. What’s up with that?

Just last week, our benevolent planet decided to shower the continent of Europe with dust from a huge volcanic eruption. The whole continent shut down air travel because the dust destroys the jet engines. That is just the start. This year has seen a series of tragic earthquakes devastating Haiti, Chile and China so far. I can’t wait until hurricane season. I know she has something good for us.

I’ve done my part to help the poor old mother earth. Others have done even more and what good has it done. Has our planet shown any appreciation for all our work? Not a bit. If anything, she is treating us worse than usual. I think it is time to stop all this silliness. If the planet is not going to appreciate all the effort we make to help her. If she insists on sending all these disasters to make our lives miserable then I say its is time to stop all this sucking up. Let’s give the unappreciative old girl a taste of her own medicine.

Tell the Earth Day acolytes to go stick it. No more recycling. No more conservation. Drill baby drill. Mine, baby mine. Let that technology go where no man has gone before. Let’s hit mother Earth where she lives and see how she likes it. Maybe a little tough love will teach her to mend her evil ways and treat us humans with a little consideration. We have certainly learned that treating her nice doesn’t work.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Jun 022014
 
Mustang Ranch token pass
Image by etgeek (Eric) via Flickr

But “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” . . . I will continue

to support my US Representative as he is effective and works for the

people of our district and in general.

The Baby is Dead

This comment from an old high school friend shows just what power politicians hold over us these days. We trust the bastards. We continue to believe that they are real people just like you and me and that they hold real American values. That is the baby they keep reminding us about. “Don’t throw that baby out just because the bath water is beginning to stink. They never show us that baby which we imagine as the happy Gerber baby we grew up with. They only talk about the baby and hope we won’t ask to see it and how well it is doing. They won’t show us the baby because the Baby is dead. He died years ago from bathing in the toxic swamps of our capitols. At best they show us a blanket swaddled lump. If they ever showed us what is left of the baby we would kick them into the next millennium because what is left of the baby is a mummified horror like Anthony Perkin’s mother in Psycho.

How long can you live in the Swamp before you get Swamp Fever?

We are in absolute denial about the toxic swamp our politicians inhabit. We know that our elected officials are pure and honorable patriots that are defending us and our rights against the evils of the world. Maybe they are. Maybe they used to be exactly what we think they are- good Americans but living in a toxic swamp is bound to affect their perspective. How long does it take before the world of politics becomes their reality and our lives a ridiculous fantasy? One term? Two terms?

The morality of Mustang Ranch

Imagine that you have a healthy, intelligent and honorable son who has just finished Middle School. You want the best for him and so for his high school years you send him to boarding school. You select a highly regarded prep school and pack him off to become one of the country’s best and brightest. Then let’s say that this highly regarded prep school has embraced a new teaching philosophy and the faculty is replaced with the staff of the Mustang Ranch. You may have instilled the highest of values and great personal integrity in your son. How long do you think those values will survive the school environment? How will you explain your son’s career choice to become a pimp. Because you know what a fine young man you raised, you will go to outlandish extremes to explain that your son is dedicated to helping young ladies. You certainly wouldn’t want to throw out the baby (your honorable son) with the bathwater (the appearance of depravity).

Save your politician from the swamp.  Vote him out!

So when that sincere politician tells you not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, ask him to show you that baby. You have to save him from himself. He went into the swamp at your direction. If the swamp turned him to the dark side, it was while trying to serve you. Now, before the damage becomes too ingrained to change, it is up to you to pull him out and save him from the monster he will become if he stays. It is too late to save the baby but maybe you can still save your politician. Vote him out.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Down with Birthdays

 Posted by at 17:01  Down with
Jun 022014
 
birthday cake

This is Birthday Week at COC

This is turning into a heavy week here at COC and it is all because of birthdays. For some unknown reason both Justin and I have birthdays in the same week. Well I suppose that the reason is known but the synchronicity is a mystery. Who knew we were working with such a handicap.  Try to imaging two Virgo’s working together and you will get the picture.  Even though there is a small difference in our ages, we both have our cantankerous spirits to support the effort.  Justin admits to being a mere babe at 36 while I am a bit older.  I’ll just let the readers guess at my age.  I will even give you a clue.  I am not a boomer.

To party hearty – or not?

My birthday was Monday and it is all over now. No party. No cake. No presents. I did get two cards, one from my insurance agent and the other from my wife’ s broker. I think that tells everything you need to know about me.  Justin celebrates his on Friday and I am sure that it will be party central at his house so I am not expecting much out of him here at COC until next week.  He does love attention, however, so be sure to drop by his home base, ring his kettle bell, leave a comment and wish him well. At 36, he probably hasn’t yet realized that each year past 21 represents a decline in something although it is hard to notice what those somethings are until 40 or so – at least that’s they way I remember it. Besides thinking about your decline never makes you feel better.

Birthdays are for kids.

Each one is a happy event because it marks a progression toward the ideal of adulthood and control of your life. At least that is the fantasy that kids have about being a grown-up. Let them live in their fantasy world.  The truth will hit them soon enough.   A birthday is a day of recognition with a present or two and some very unhealthy food. No matter because youngsters can eat anything without worrying about health. All in all birthdays are pleasant events for kids.

But not for adults

After you reach drinking age, there is nothing much good to say about birthdays. Being one year older doesn’t help you one little bit. By the time you get to be my age, the last thing you want is another birthday. (Well let me qualify that a bit – continuing to live through another year is always good but recognizing that year is not.) I’m happy enough to be alive and kicking but there is no reason for anyone to know that that I’m even older than I was last year.

That’s my take on birthdays.

Don’t give me a party. Don’t buy me a present. Don’t rub it in that I have survived another year and look pretty good for my age. If you feel the compulsion to celebrate somebody’s birthday, focus on baby faced Justin. He is young enough to still be in denial about his imminent decline but with four kids, it won’t be long.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Down with varmints

 Posted by at 17:01  Down with
Jun 022014
 

Don’t hurt Bambi

In the Northern California foothills, the varmint most discussed is deer. Bambi love on the part of the 99 percent of Americans who never see a wild animal means that those of us who live where they do are powerless to stop them from eating their landscaping. Deer are not the problem in my patch of suburbia dropped in to the mountain wilderness. Too many fences and dogs to make it worth their while. No, the big problem in my environs is voles.

What the heck is a vole?

Those were my exact words upon moving to Nocal and chatting with the local nursery man. It turns out I had seen them but had thought they were mice. Voles are related to lemmings and muskrats, I learn and are omnivores but as I am also learning this year, they love plants especially mine.

Population explosion

For some reason this year, the hills are alive with the scurrying of voles. I was oblivious to this population explosion until my bedding plants began to disappear the night after planting.. “Snails!” I thought and  began baiting the next planting with no results. Next my green bean plants were cut off as they began to unfurl the first true leaves. My response was more snail bait but the results were unsatisfying. There were no snail trails and no dead snails in spite of the continuing damage. I tried a new snail bait with no better results. I was getting really cantankerous at being outsmarted by varmints that I couldn’t even identify.

Eureka moment!

Then it hit me. All summer, our cat had been bringing carcases to the back door. We thought this quite cute and bragged about our mouser. Then  I began to notice that the backyard slope was an active rodent zone. There were so many voles that you could put yourself to sleep counting them as they ran from bush to bush. Now I knew my antagonist but what could I do. Mousetraps seemed unworkable. Poison would endanger our cats. Surely there was something that would protect my plants from these voracious varmints.

When in doubt ask Google

Google turned up a solution. Not only did it promise to keep the voles from my plants, it was ecologically friendly and wouldn’t even hurt them. It was too good to be true. This solution didn’t have the satisfying closure of dead bodies but at this point, my honor and my garden was at stake. I was willing to accept a compromise. I got some of the stuff and scattered the granules around my flowers and vegetables, hoping that it would at least allow some of the plants to recover.

It is like watching BP control the oil spill

Now, a few days later, I check every morning. The damage seems to have stopped in the treated areas but I can’t be sure. Maybe the voles are just waiting for the plants to grow a little more before finishing them off. Meanwhile the pest control guy left some sticky boards scattered around the yard. He said that the voles would stick to the sticky boards and die. I laughed at him but said to go ahead. This morning I found two corpses. I am exhilarated.  My first victory.  What difference can two dead voles make against the horde? It is a small victory but I will take it.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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May 042014
 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams 

American life is a string of deadlines- hard cut-offs which restrict moving on in life. We Americans live by schedules and time lines, starting with the first day of school and ending when we put in for retirement. We like to think that American’s are ruggedly independent, forging forward through chaos and distraction to win the day but the truth is more mundane. We are much more like lab rats running a series of mazes put in our path, competing against our brother rats for rewards. Those rewards seem wonderful at the time but don’t provide long term satisfaction- not so much diamonds set in gold but zircons set in brass- and with each deadline we move on the the next maze.

deadlinesSuccessful people get conditioned to this pattern early in life. They embrace the competitive environment of the deadline and it becomes their life model. Everything is about the end and nothing important is happening along the way. Success is crossing the finish line, in first place if possible, but definitely finishing. Americans like finishing what they start but there is more to this lifestyle than just crossing the finish line. You also have to finish within the allotted time. For that reason, Americans invented the term deadline- the drop dean point in time when finishing no longer matters..

Americans didn’t invent deadlines.

There have always been deadlines whether from natural processes or human design. But until modern times no one ever applied a name to them. Continue reading »

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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