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Coot Lesson 8 – Cantankerous Old Coots are not Angry Old Farts!

Posted by Ralph at 13:06 Coots Lessons

Mar 182014

“There is another Coot” my wife announced as we merged onto the surface street near our home this week. We were returning from our semi-monthly visit to the big box warehouse store. I was distracted trying to figure our what was new in the ongoing construction of the overpass and was startled by impatient honking from the car behind.. In the mirror I saw an old, bald guy in a Toyota scowling at me. I waved at him (all five fingers carefully extended) and sped on to the the next stop light.

“That is no Cantankerous Old Coot,” I told her. “That is an Angry Old Fart.”

Today’s lesson my be the most important of all. Being a Coot is not just letting it all hang out. There is an art and finesse to being a Coot that may not be obvious to the beginner. This is an important because you may be confused so far. Coots are not hostile or angry. They aren’t mean or malicious. They aren’t evil and vindictive. Those are the characteristics of Angry Old Farts. Coots are blunt and direct. They don’t suffer fools. They don’t hide their feelings and down deep, sometimes so deep that you might miss it, they like people, annoying as people can be. Coots are optimists, confident that even the biggest fools can be redeemed once they are shown the error of their ways. If you have missed this subtlety then pay close attention to today’s lesson.

This is where the whole effort becomes difficult. Not everyone has what it takes to be a Cantankerous Old Coot. It takes finesse and good judgment to know where the line between a Cantankerous Old Coot and an Angry Old Fart lies. Once you push past that line, there is no return because when you are tagged as an Angry Old Fart, all your actions will be seen as mean and angry no matter what you might intend. This is especially important for Coots in training because you don’t want your early mistakes to condemn you to live as an AOF. If it happens to you, you pretty much have to relocate to another state and start all over if you don’t want to live the rest of your life as an AOF.

Far better as you are learning your craft that you underplay your role, even at the risk of being perceived as a wimp. As you perfect your skills and hone the phrases you use, you can gradually work your way into the sweet spot that is the essence of Cantankerous Old Coots. The essence of this weeks lesson is to go easy; test the ground and evaluate the responses.

Many people, maybe even my scowling friend in the Toyota may have aimed for the perfection of a Cantankerous Old Coot only to fall into the realm of Angry Old Farts and once there discover that there is no way back. Don’t let that happen to you. Aim high but move slowly to develop your skills, Don’t let impatience or poor judgment make you an Angry Old Fart by mistake.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Lesson 7 Coot’s Don’t Dither

Posted by Ralph at 10:29 Coots Lessons

Mar 092014

Yogi Berra is reported to have said. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

Coots and Coots in training are well advised to remember this advice because decisiveness is more important than being right. Others may worry about making the right decision. Cantankerous Old Coots know that getting all the facts and weighing the pros and cons is less important than action. Right and wrong are irrelevant so long as you keep moving. Hesitation is for the weak and insecure. Action is for the Cantankerous Old Coot.

This may be difficult for some who have been trained to analyze and ponder about consequences. Society encourages hesitation and caution. If you have been over socialized, this may make it difficult for you to act. You continue to let your mind consider the possibilities and judge the outcomes and the decision keeps getting deferred. You dither. Nothing undermines the essence of Cootness more than hesitation. It looks weak. It says that you have no convictions.

But how do you break those life-long habits? The best answer is to let your gut decide. There is always that little voice that tells us what to do right before we break it all down into percentages and probabilities and go all indecisive. If you can learn to hear what that voice tells you and then shut the brain down, then your problem is solved. Hear the voice, act on what the voice tells you and don’t look back. That is the way of the Coot. Claim victory and move on the the next lesson.

For some of us, however, it is not so easy. If you can’t turn off the analysis and let the voice speak, I have another suggestion. Just say no. Immediately you eliminate any analysis. You know the answer before there is even a question so the analysis can just stay in bed. You might ask if yes would work as well. In theory, yes or no should be equally useful. It is just that yes usually involves some action on your part where no does not. Say yes and you have likely committed to doing something you might not want to do. Say no and you are protected.

To sum up today’s lesson, always act immediately when you face a decision. If possible always go with the little voice in your head unless you can’t turn off the analysis and begin to dither. If you can’t then just say no. And don’t forget that practice makes perfect.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coots Lesson 20- Old Age is a Badge of Honor- Don’t waste it!

Posted by Ralph at 16:39 Coots Lessons

Mar 042014

This post makes twenty of our world famous Cantankerous Old Coots Lessons. Most people think that all it takes is time to make a Cantankerous Old Coot but we are here to tell you otherwise. Some of you may have the natural instincts but most people need help. That is why we produced the Lessons. If you missed them then start with Lesson 1.

What do you do with lemons?

Getting to your golden years is very much like making lemons out of lemonade or a silk purse out of a sows ear. It means you have run out of all the good options and what’s left is pretty damn poor. Of course for some it’s worse than others. If you were a hot chick or a studly dude in your younger years, it sucks getting old. The best you can hope for is being described as distinguished or attractive but your days as hot or studly are gone forever. On the other hand if you were homely or worse to begin with each year brings the good lookers down closer to your level. It’s a small boost but homely guys don’t need much. It’s music to my ears when someone comments how studly Bob sure does look old and haggard with his walker. If you were homely to begin with your looks might even improve.

Aging has no favorites.

So all of us, good looking or not get old. We don’t have a choice. No matter how much we spend on cosmetics and supplements or how many hours we work out at the gym. We still can’t avoid getting old. It’s not optional. It’s not a state of mind. It’s not something that will go away if you ignore it. Getting old is one of the cold, wet mackerels of life that you just have to accept.

Go for it!

So today’s Coot’s Lesson is to take aging and all it’s symptoms as a badge of honor. Make those creaking joints and sagging guts work for you. Flaunt them and demand every benefit society and your friends and family are willing to offer. Grab that senior discount wherever you find it. Maybe it is even worth going to an actual movie once in a while. Take that special seat on the bus and evict that punk kid with the boom box who is hogging it. Maybe he’ll mug you when you get off at your stop but on the bus, you’re the man.

And finally give up the old pretense that you are as good as ever. You are old and feeble and don’t you forget it. Let those youngsters take care of you. dammit old people can’t be expected to pull their weight. Let the youngsters do the heavy lifting because the years are hanging heavy on your old bones. They should be grateful that you can still manage to show up. When you do help, make sure that everybody can see how much it requires from your weary old body. Make sure they can hear those creaky joints and know how much effort it is taking for you to participate. Then when you’ve got them feeling really guilty and they tell you to relax, sink yourself in the softest chair you can find and watch everybody else work.

Dammit , you earned it.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s Lesson 17- Don’t mess with sheep!

Posted by Ralph at 15:46 Coots Lessons

Nov 232013

Image via Wikipedia

We all know that the definition of insanity is to continue doing something that doesn’t work and expecting something different to happen. Well maybe the deep dark secret about about being a Cantankerous Old Coot is that we are just plain nuts. As if to prove this conclusion, when I sat down to write a post for Coots, my mind just started in automatic mode. Before I knew it, I had written a whole new Coot’s lesson. It’s embarrassing but we don’t waste anything around here. Due to being raised by depression parents, I can’t throw anything away and so futile as it may be, here is

Coot’s Lesson 17- Don’t Mess with Sheep.

City folk may not know but sheep are really annoying critters – except to another sheep. I know from bitter experience. Long ago In a misguided moment my father bought some sheep for the farm where I grew up. I don’t know where the idea came from but those sheep provided an important lesson for my young life. Unless you are a sheep dog, don’t ever try to influence a sheep to do anything it wasn’t already doing. You will be worn out and the sheep will get really mad.

Other farm animals think.

On our farm we raised just about every kind of farm animal. We had cows, pigs, chickens, horses. Each of these species has its own quirks but underneath it was always apparent that there was some intelligence working. There was reasoning behind their actions and once you understood those reasons , you could always find a way to get them to do what you wanted. It wasn’t always easy and it sometimes took frustratingly long to get the animal’s response but with those animals you had something to work with. There was a brain working.

Not Sheep!

Sheep are entirely different. If sheep have a brain, they keep it hidden. They don’t act for their own benefit and they, for sure, wont act because you want them to. I remember one time when we wanted to move the sheep from a pasture into a pen by the barn. Our motives were pure because that’s where we put the feed. We opened the gate and herded the sheep toward the wide opening. Nothing threatening anywhere just the open gate and food. Some animals would go through that gate just because it was there. Some might smell the food. Others might go through the gate just because there were people hooping and hollering behind them. Sheep just balk. They balk at gates. They balk at new spaces. They balk at people whooping and hollering. They just balk for the sheer cussedness of balking.

We would drive them forward toward the gate and just when they reached it, they would veer away. We tried to surround them so they couldn’t turn. They stopped and starred at us. They just were not going through that gate. We kept trying until one sheep got careless and crossed into the pen and he was immediately rewarded when the rest of the sheep swept him into the corner. It was a victory of sorts because finally the sheep were where we wanted them but it hadn’t changed a thing. The sheep hadn’t learned a lesson and next time we wanted them to go through a gate it would be just the same. They wouldn’t remember that there was food in the pen and that the people hollering behind them were trying to help them. They would be just as stubborn. It was their nature.

Sheep will devour your soul.

So if you are a full fledged Cantankerous Old Coot or even a Coot wannabe, don’t mess with sheep. Quash all those impulses to help and let them go their own way. You will only waste your time and energy and really mess up your attitude. To top it off, it won’t matter one whit to the sheep. It will take superhuman effort on your part to get any response on the part of the sheep and nothing you can do will penetrate their brains. They are perfectly happy wherever they are and they don’t appreciate anybody trying to make them uncomfortable. Even if it is for their own good, they will never recognize it. As icing on the cake you will make them mad. They will never forgive you and go out of their ways to punish you for your efforts to help them. Don’t bother.

Steer clear of sheep.

The world is full of sheep. Strange as it may seem, that may be just what God planned but it’s way above my pay grade to decide that. What I do know is that a Cantankerous Old Coot needs to give sheep a wide berth. You may want to do them a good turn but there is nothing you can do to help them and much that they can do to pull you down to their level. If you want to be happy and successful and reach the very pinnacle of life as a Cantankerous Old Coot, never for get Coot’s Lesson 17- Don’t mess with Sheep!

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Up With Cantankerosity!

Posted by Justin at 11:58 Coots Lessons, Up With

Nov 032013

: Image via Wikipedia

You typically won’t hear of a Cantankerous Old Coot tooting his own Cantankerousity horn, but today is different. Cantankerosity is the topic du jour. (if you have to look that up get out now. Go on, get out)

As we have stated before, Cantankerous is not just angry. Cantankerous is not just being grumpy for grumpy’s sake. It is not something to be turned on or off whenever the whim strikes. Cantankerosity is the art of being Cantankerous. Cantankerosity is a way of life.

To truly be cantankerous you have to look at the world in a certain way. You have to be willing to let go of certain societal preconceptions about the population in general and just let it out.

You have to quit caring what other people think. You have to be true to yourself and not worry about being polite if it interferes with being you.

You must be ready to say what needs saying right when you feel it, and you have to let it show on your face. There can be no dithering, no half promises, no sitting on the fence. Take a side and tell everyone else to deal with it.

Now being Cantankerous is some work. If you have noticed, there are some links in this post that will take you to other posts that are lessons in being Cantankerous. Feel free to go and browse those. There is some great information that you will need if you want to become a Cantankerous Old Coot.

If you do not have time to click and read each post, they comprise the first volume of the Cantankerous Old Coots University Manual! For some simple clicks of your mouse, you can join our mailing list which will give you access to a finely crafted ebook that contains the first 5 lessons and a bonus lesson for subscribers only, all packaged in PDF format for your reading pleasure. Plus, if you sign up this weekend, you will be eligible for special “subscriber only” discounts to future cantankerous products.

Join us in the Coots University and find your own way to say “Up with Cantankerosity!”

-Justin

PS, the picture today doesn’t have anything to do with the post, but doesn’t the “Grumpy Troll” Sound like a great place to eat? It would seem to have the right Cantankerous attitude

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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