How to blog is elsewhere, here we are Cantankerous!

 Posted by at 11:48  Coot Law, principles
Nov 262014
 

This site is not going to tell you not to blog.

We also are not going to blow smoke at you and keep filling your little head with dreams of getting rich quick while eating ice cream in your underwear and only working for an hour a day.  Not including bathroom breaks.

We are also not going to give you advice on how to blog, how to set up a site or how to run it into the ground.  We are not going to tell you, well we probably will tell you how neat we are.  The Consortium of Coots is pretty neat.  Don’t forget it or I will crash your system.

This site is to tell stories and vent grievences.  To tell how it is without regard for anyones feelings.  If your feelbads get hurt while you are here, then you probably do not belong her in the first place.  How’s that for Cantankerous.

This site exists to be something a bit different in Blogistan.  Maybe like your strange Uncle that shows up to the family reunions and just lurks in the corner waiting to regale the young ones with stories of the past.

I intend to post Manly topics like skinning game and setting snares.  Topics that will make strong men weep freely like the loss of a good dog or the benefits of duct tape and zip ties.

If you are easily offended, get out.  If you want to be offended and argue, bring it on.  Comments are always available and contact forms abound on the site.  My email is justin@cantankerousoldcoots.com.

Just be aware, comments and contention will probably lead to a guest post request so get something ready.

That is all.

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Coot Lesson #1 – Let it out!

 Posted by at 18:09  Coot Law, Coots Lessons, principles
Jul 292014
 

Forget what your mother told you.

Here at Cantankerous Old Coots we believe in letting your feelings out. Maybe your mother taught you to be nice. She may have told you “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Well, we say forget what your mother said. How far has your mother’s advice got you anyway. We say, if you feel it, then let it out.

Permit No Time Bombs

The way we see it, those bottled-up emotions are time bombs, wreaking havoc on your health and well-being. Keeping quiet just lets that pressure build up and, even worse, encourages those fools causing all the upset to keep doing what they are doing. Keeping quiet not only makes it bad for you now; it makes it worse in the future.

Niceness is Phoney

All this niceness is phony anyway. You know what people are really thinking. It’s what you are thinking but just not willing to say. They may tell you that you are looking good and that your new grandchild is so cute but you know the truth. Old age never improved anybody’s looks and that grandchild is a wrinkled mess, even if they do say he resembles you. Wouldn’t it be a relief not to have to pretend that you believe them? Don’t you think they deserve the same honesty from you? Of course they do. Do yourself and them a favor and just let it out, tell them the truth.

Like this

“Joe, you old scoundrel, you are even fatter than the last time I saw you. You get any bigger and I’ll have to get you a wheelbarrow to lug that belly around.”

“Sally, you old fool, whoever told you that pink was a hair color? You look like you got your head caught in a cotton candy machine.”

“Dick, you blithering idiot, what makes you think that combing those two hairs over your bald spot will turn you into Fabio?”

Do everybody a favor

You see the point? Friends do not let friends make fools of themselves. So do yourself and them a favor, let it all out. Trust us. You mother was a fool.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Sacred Cows and Sleeping Dogs-A Cantankerous Manifesto

 Posted by at 18:09  Coot Law
Jul 292014
 

What’s up?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinkmoose/ / CC BY 2.0

It seems natural to start this blog with a bit of explanation.  Cantankerous Old Coots does evoke an image but beyond that, what would encourage a reader to come back?  Everybody probably has experience with a cantankerous old coot and most likely it was a family member – someone you couldn’t avoid and someone you didn’t seek out.  In my life there was my grandfather and my father-in-law.  Family events were always fun.
Blessed Relief

So why devote a whole blog to cantankerous old coots?  If you are like me you are fed up with mealy-mouthed, namby-pamby excusitis about the crazy screwed-up world we are stuck with.  Most of us are dependent on bosses we must suck up to and people we are supposed to respect.  “The customer is always right.” “The government is here to help.” “Together everybody achieves more.” “Yes, boss, whatever you say.”  All the while, inside you are screaming with revulsion but you can’t be honest because that would be negative.

Sanity in a crazy world


The goal here at COC is to create a small corner of sanity in the craziness of our lives where it is safe to scream, point fingers and shout “That’s crazy!”. Here is a place where you can make hamburgers out of sacred cows and send sleeping dogs running frantically into the ongoing traffic.  Here we can say that the Emperor has no clothes – and that he isn’t very well endowed to boot. So join in.  Vent and enjoy the unbridled cantankerousness of saying what you really think for once. If the chips are falling, it won’t be here.  Comment, offer to guest post and encourage the committed coots to free their hidden curmudgeon.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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For Today, a Contest!

 Posted by at 18:09  Coot Law, Coots Lessons, Technology
Jul 292014
 

*** since this post was first published there have been 233270 visitors to it.  There have been a total of ZERO submissions.  c’mon people get on the ball…send us your face!***

Now hear this Current and aspiring Coots!  Very shortly we are going to be putting out our first product.  I know that is exciting enough to make you all pee yourselves with excitement.  You may want to get a doctor to look at that though.  Don’t worry in any case because that’s why they make Depends.

So far we haven’t got a lot of participation  here at COC.  So since you refuse to respond to the sticks we throw, we are going to break out the carrots just this once.  We want your face!  And we are offering a prize for the best face.  There!  That is as nice as we get.

What does your best Cantankerous Coot face look like?

By now you should have mastered the basics for Cantankerosity or maybe you were a natural and had what it takes all along.  It doesn’t matter because we want to see the results.  Show us your best Coot face.  Take a picture and if it doesn’t break the camera send it to us.  We want to see the Cantankerosity that we have inspired.  We want to use your faces in out upcoming E-Book and at the blog. You could be famous.

So scrunch up your face and practice your cantankerousness.  Little children should either laugh or weep at the face you finish with.  Preferably both.  Then take the best picture you can and send it to us.  This contest will end at midnight on July 10th MDT when we get enough submissions to actually have a contest.  Right now, there is all the time in the world You have until next Saturday night to get us a picture.

There will be a prize for the best picture.  That prize will remain a mystery until the contest ends.

Send entries to    contests@cantankerousoldcoots.com Please include your name, address, credit card numbers, pin numbers, measurements,….errrr….Just your name and the picture will be fine.

Now for some fine print.  Any image submitted must be your own image.  We don’t want copyrighted images from other websites that will get us in trouble with the copyright lawyers when we start to sell our own stuff.  Besides we want to see you, our readers.

Second, by submitting an image for the contest you agree that we can do what we want with it.  This includes the website, CantankerousOldCoots.com, and any e-book or print book that we may publish in the future.  Your only compensation for the picture will be a credit to you and probably a link to your own site.

Third, By submitting a picture, you agree that, to the best of your knowledge, this picture does not have any previous copyrights that are being infringed.  If you take the pic yourself, it shouldn’t have any copyright issues at all.

Fourth, unless you tell me not to add you to the list, by submitting a picture you will be automatically added to our email list and be among the first to receive the new e-book when it comes out, and if you are the winner, it will have your picture on it.  You will not be getting a double opt-in confirmation email from us, but unless it says somewhere in your picture email that you don’t want to be on the list, you will be, and this constitutes permission to do so.

Sorry for all of the legal mumbo jumbo but I really can’t afford to get sued by anyone for a silly website contest.

So go out right now and take a picture, preferably in focus, and send it to

contests@cantankerousoldcoots.com

Remember, you have until the sands run out on July 10th to submit!  I hope we can get 1000 entries.  Tell your friends too!

Please retweet, digg, stumble upon, comment, carrier pigeon, morse code or otherwise let people know about this contest!

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Coot Lesson #3 – Polite is over rated!

 Posted by at 18:17  Coot Law, Coots Lessons, principles
Jul 072014
 

Don’t be dense!

This should be pretty obvious if you have been following our lessons. Unfortunately these days most people are pretty dense and seem unable to follow a stream of logic so we are going to be very blunt. Polite is a synonym for lie. It is just that simple. If you choose to remain oblivious to simple truths, we can’t do anything about it. Human nature is pathetic. We continually ask people to tell us things that we know are untrue. If you have to ask your husband whether a dress makes you look fat, you already know the answer. “Of course it does!” So now the poor man has two bad choices. He can say yes which will make you hate him for confirming the truth or he can say no which will make you hate him for lying. Most husbands are taught to be polite and lie through their teeth and most wives delight in making it impossible for them to be honest. No wonder marriage is in trouble these days.

Stop being a mealy mouthed liar!

We always seek to be inoffensive which of course causes us to lie. “That was a great cup of coffee, Carol. Can I have a refill.” The coffee tastes like battery acid. It is luke warm and the cream is curdled. “I’d love another piece of that delicious cake, Mrs. Smith.” The cake in questions is lumpy and tasteless. Who wins with such behavior? The answer, of course is nobody. If you don’t set these people straight, they will continue to inflict their shoddy goods on other unsuspecting victims. If they believe you they will have your encouragement to do it. If they don’t believe you, they brand you either as a fool or liar.

Be straight at work!

You may think that we are singling out women here but men are just as inclined to this foolishness as women. It just attaches to different activities. When it gets into the workplace, it is even worse because we are expected to lie as a condition of employment. Your boss may be a fool but he is unlikely to keep paying you if you tell him. Imagine the chaos if you said what you were thinking. Is the customer always right? Of course not. Could you fix their problem and get them out of your face if they would just shut up and go away. Of course. Because we think that polite is important, we waste everybody’s time and make everybody upset. It is a darn nuisance.

You aren’t getting any younger you know !

Cut out the crap. Tell it straight. Stop the lies and stop pretending that polite isn’t a synonym for lying, You don’t have tine for games. Time is a wasting and nobody is getting any younger. Next time somebody expects you to waste your time and theirs with mealy mouthed and duplicitous politeness, just say no. Tell them the truth and lets get on with life.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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