Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

Coot’s Week in Review January 9, 2010

Posted by Ralph at 11:32 Headline News

Jan 092011

: Image by unertlkm via Flickr

Breaking News about the Coots News Service

The Coot’s News Service (CNS) is happy to serve our readers by screening the hot news headlines each week, saving them from the tedious task of reading all that crap. Long years of experience allows this coot to deftly skim the cream and get through the news without having to worry that there is anything you need to know. It is a thankless task but this Coot knows that nurturing a cantankerous spirit can be difficult and when it comes to knowing up from down, reading the newspaper or listening to radio or TV is worthless. Without enough seasoning, Coots in training need careful guidance before they can face a newspaper alone. Not only is the news bad for you, reading the news is an addiction that does great harm and has no benefits. Abstinence is one way to kick the habit but it is very difficult unless you are willing to become a hermit. Therefore we offer an extension course from COCU (Cantankerous Old Coots University) in stealth mode. This course is in the form of our news service each week and is designed to numb you to the idea that you need to know anything reported in the newspapers. Earlier editions of the CNS were intended merely to get you comfortable with the format but today we are kicking into production mode as a full fledged COCU course. And you have homework!

Each reader has two assignments which must be completed before you get class credit:

1. Leave a comment on this post

2. (a)Tell which story is the one you least need to know or

(b) leave a link to a story is so important that that it should have been included (and why you think so).

Course credit will be awarded by COCU after comments are left on five different CNS posts. The names of graduates will be displayed in a place of honor on COC and will receive an autographed electronic copy of the COCU e-book containing the first five Coots lessons and a bonus lesson. Don’t miss your chance for undying fame and international exposure. Now on to the news.

‘Vitriol’ Cited As Possible Factor In Arizona Tragedy

NPR suggests that the twenty year old alleged gunman who shot a congressman (female) and a federal judge (male) at a supermarket on Saturday was angry because the store was out of vitriol. Possibly the congressman (female) and judge (male) were conspiring to restrict access of the public to this popular energy drink. The congressman (female) was shot in the head but was being treated in a local hospital. The judge, an aid and an eight year old girl were killed. No information about the continued availability of vitriol was released.

14 decapitated bodies found in Mexico resort city

In case you were thinking that Mexican resort cities (Think Acapulco) were wonderful places for that tropical vacation, the discovery of 14 decapitated bodies in a shopping mall might make you reconsider. Just in case that authorities might be confused, the local drug lord left a note claiming responsibility. He was obviously afraid that tourists might be confused and afraid to haggle over purchasing goods there. This is just another sign of the success that the Mexican Federal government is having in its fight to regain control over Mexico. ‘At least 30,196 people have died in drug-related violence since President Felipe Calderon launched an offensive against cartels in late 2006. ‘ Mexico is starting to make even Aruba look safe.

Ten injured in 52-vehicle crash on I-95

Sobering news from the snowbound east coast. With less than one inch of snow, 52 vehicles get caught in a big mess in Virginia. No word about how many of these vehicles were driven by government workers but the proximity to the nation’s capitol makes the odds pretty good that it was most of them. With any luck they will all be off work for a time relieving the yoke of oppression on the rest of us temporarily.

Snake Disappears On Red Line

Can you say snakes on a train? A Boston lady is devastated to lose her pet boa constrictor on the Boston Red Line. Her owner says that Melissa is very mellow and timid and never hisses or bites but that she can get into some very small spaces. MBTA spokesman Joe Pesaturo said they’re confident it’s safe to ride the Red Line and commuters shouldn’t worry. Samuel L Jackson could not be reached for comment.

Elderly Swedes bloodied in snow shovel brawl

Forget Mexico and Aruba! It is even unsafe to visit Sweden these days where you might get beaten up by old men with snow shovels. Coots are speechless. Usually Swedes are peace loving and only beat on Norwegians.

Oprah’s OWN ratings fall during first week

The most powerful man (female) in the world suffered a serious setback this week as ratings for her new cable network fell. And we were worried about global warming. The world economy may not recover.

NJ police: Man seeking ‘portal to hell’ stabbed 2

Coots have long suspected that New Jersey was the portal to hell but that suspicion was confirmed when a local man reportedly found it in a backyard in Union NJ. He stabbed two women who interfered with his clearing of the portal. The man was seriously injured defending the portal but finally subdued and is now receiving treatment. Now you have a second reason to visit New Jersey (right after Atlantic City).

Britain Vows To Change ‘Embarrassing’ Libel Law

Britain’s economy has recovered so much that the Libel Tourism law is no longer needed to boost tourism in the UK. Up to now it has been so easy to charge libel in Britain that celebrities from around the world have flocked to Britain to silence critics and news reporters. With the strong economy, this is no longer necessary. Authorities now claim to be embarrassed by the law. This has to be a lie because government authorities are never embarrassed.

You’ll work on the big day Queen tells palace staff

No holiday for the working stiffs at the Palace (both north and south) just because of the upcoming royal wedding. It will be business as usual on that festive day for the Palace employees even though regular folk will have a bank holiday. The Queen says that she can’t afford the loss of revenue from tourism at the popular attractions if she closed it down.

So that is the course for today. Now get busy on your homework.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Up With Stupidity

Posted by Ralph at 08:26 Up With

Jan 042011

: Image via Wikipedia

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. Gustav Flaubert

I had a negative goal.

All my life, well meaning people have been telling me not to be stupid. I always assumed that it was for my own good. I believed that they wanted the best for me. Now I am beginning to wonder.

All this time, I have been seeking fulfillment and happiness, rarely achieving one or the other and never both at the same time. Mostly I remain unsatisfied with my status and progress and profoundly focused on me. I have been so intent on self examination that I never thought to look around me for examples of happiness. If I did take my eyes off myslef, it was only to examine my mentors- the ones urging me not to be stupid. As a result, I never knew any truly happy people. Everyone I knew was struggling just as hard as I not to be stupid and it wasn’t making them happy.

So where are the happy people?

I had to lower my horizon to find them. They were all around me but flying under the radar for people who’s only aim in life is not to be stupid. They were living their lives happily, unstressed by unnecessary knowledge of their limited abilities and accomplishments. They were loved and respected. They were important. They were comfortable with themselves. And they were stupid.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s Week in Review- Welcome to 2011

Posted by Ralph at 15:52 Headline News

Jan 022011

: Image by randihausken via Flickr

The new year starts out with wild and crazy weather. Records cold temperatures in Florida and biblical floods in Australia. Then tornadoes kill seven in the midwest and birds fall from the sky. Mother Nature appears ready to show puny humans who is boss. Even Al Gore is silent.

NOAA on Miami Florida: Coldest December on Record

Florida needs more global warming as December posted the coldest weather ever recorded in Miami. Despite a record hot summer, the yearly average temperature was down 1 degree for 2010. Despite the cold temperatures, Miami avoids a white Christmas.

Woman, 41, drowns trying to drive across flooded road as natural disaster in Australia reaches ‘biblical proportions’

Meanwhile a flood of ‘biblical proportion affects 200,000 people in southeast Australia. Experts say that this has nothing to do with global warming. This part of Australia sees precipitation swings and has just completed a drought cycle. NOAA seems to have missed this one.

Tornadoes on New Years Eve kill seven in Missouri and Arkansas

Killer tornadoes devastate the midwest leaving seven dead in Missouri and Arkansas. Mewesterners are used to tornadoes but this New Years pod of killers suggests that 2011 may be a year to remember.

Update: Thousands of birds fall from the sky in Beebe

Experts have no idea what is causing the birds to fall from the sky. Some are just flat out dead but others are merely dazed and confused and after reaching the ground they wander around in circles. Unlike the birds in the Hitchcock thriller, these birds seem to have no evil intent

With a start like this 2011 seems destined to shake us all up. Any body read Revelations lately?

On to more mundane news. Movie attendance has dropped for 2010 and taxpayers must delay filing their taxes for 2010.

Movie Attendance down for 2010

Well, duh. This Coot is compelled to attend a movie at most twice a year, usually from the coercion of my son. I can’t forget that movies used to have a plot, character development and laughable special effects. Movie makers have forgotten everything about movie making except effects. They assume that the audience can’t follow a plot so they just use the same one over and over. The most adventurous they get is to remake old movies like True Grit with special effects and profanity. With nothing to attract an audience and skyrocketing popcorn costs, no wonder people stay home and watch reruns oc CSI.

50 million taxpayers must delay filing – IRS

IRS says too bad if you want to file your income tax early this year. Don’t blame the IRS, though. It is all Congress’ fault because until Congress acted to postpone the Obama tax increases, the IRS couldn’t program their computers. It’s probably on purpose since the government will have to borrow from the Chinese in order to come up with the refund money anyway.

And some people just got fired up about the new year. I guess the cold was too much for them.

NJ Woman Charged With Setting Boyfriend on Fire

The woman says it was all an accident. She lit a cigarette while trying to find her car keys and accidentally set her boyfriend on fire. The boyfriend is recovering in a Philadelphia burn center. He had no comment about his hot New Years Eve.

Rioting prisoners set fire to British jail

Prisoners in a medium security prison in Britain riot and finally set fire to the jail in protest of taking breath tests. Must be the cold that sets off the desire to set fires. These prisoners say they just ad enough when guards attempted to check their breath for illicit alcohol. If they can’t have alcohol to keep them warm then a fire is the only alternative.

People are still upset at the TSA for feeling up innocent traveler. One traveler take extreme measures to no avail. Airports across the country are looking to hire private companies to avoid the TSA government monopoly.

Charlottesville man protests airport security, is arrested

You just can’t please the TSA. Even stripping to your skivvies is not enough to please the officious TSA. It is a sad day.

As frustration grows, airports consider ditching TSA

As few airports use private companies for security screening of passengers but as the furor over the indecent feel ups that the TSA has begun, more are looking to get out from under the TSA thumb. TSA still has oversight but airports have more control over screeners who get carried away. Under private management they can actually fire people.

And finally an update from California. California can’t live within its means, make a budget and provide the services we expect from local government but it can tell you what to do. Californians have 725 new things they can’t do thanks to their hard working (and very well paid) full time legislators.

There Oughta Be a Law: Californians Getting 725 New Ones in 2011

Just what we need in California- more laws. There are so many things you can’t do legally anymore that it is dangerous to step outside your house. At least for now you are still free to do what you want in the privacy of your home. The legislature had to have something to come back for next year.

So that is how 2011 is getting started. It is bound to be a fantastic year.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s Week in Review- December 12,2010

Posted by Ralph at 10:38 Headline News

Dec 122010

: Image via Wikipedia

It’s another busy news week and the Coots are here to help you sort out the key points.

Bill Clinton endorses Obama’s tax-cut deal

The President continues to reach out to get more support for his compromise with Republicans on not raising taxes for any Americans during the recession. Former President Clinton also supports the compromise which in true Congressional fashion has been loaded with pork and tinsel for the holidays. Clinton’s support is intended to help the President triangulate with liberal Democrats whose Holy Grail is apparently increasing tazes for anybody richer than they are. What will they compromise next?

Mexican police report killing head of ‘La Familia’ cartel

The Mexican authorities claim a victory in their battle against the drug gangs that control major portions of Mexico and Arizona. Coots reckon the score is now gangs 999 police 1. Yea Police. No word from the Mexican President about this. He is probably hiding in the cellar.

$150B budget deficit sets November record

November 2010 sets a budget deficit record up 25 percent over last years. And this even before the taz increase compromise that adds another 1.5 Trillion. No wonder Congressional approval is less than 20%. We are being raped and pillaged by lame ducks. All we can do is hope that the new Congress believes their campaign promises.

New York drivers bracing for crash tax

Driving in New York City will face a new charge when they get into an accident. Car fires are nearly $500 while mere accidents are less. The City claims that this charge is intended to protect New Yorkers from the danger and costs for out of city drivers (who apparently aren’t contributing sufficiently to the City coffers. Cities in California have discussed these charges but have so far backed away when the public learned about them. New York steps boldly out in finding new ways to increase revenues in these hard times. Who wants to drive in NYC anyway?

Nun accused of embezzling $1.2M from college

More from New York, this time a nun who apparently embezzled $1.2 million from Iona College over ten years. Sister Susie, as the nun was called on Campus was the Chief Financial Officer for the College. Coots are sure that the nun liberated the money to do more good than was possible at the college.

Iran denies freeing woman sentenced to die by stoning

Iranian authorities deny showing any mercy to a woman accused of killing her abusive husband. The original sentence of stoning will stand, authorities insist. The pictures of the woman at home with her son were taken when she was recreating the crime for authorities. Move right along. Nothing to see here.

And finally from the UK

New arrest over student protests

Students in the UK take protests to a new level as the attack Prince Charles and his wife Camilla on the way to the theatre in London. The students are upset about increases in tuition costs for college and took their upset to physically assault the Prince’s Rolls, breaking a window and touching Camilla with a stick. The Prime Minister described the behavior of the ‘students’ as feral and said that the full force of the law would pursue the miscreants. Students usually get heated about moral issues like starving children and global warming but these students just want subsidies for themselves.

Those are the important headlines for this week. This Coot is exhausted.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Down with Media

Posted by Ralph at 08:02 Down with

Nov 172010

: Image by atconc via Flickr

Coots are normal people.

We put our pants on one leg at a time (even f email coots- when was the last time you saw a woman in a skirt). We get fired up from time to time. We get dragged down. We get excited and we get depressed. We have our share of problems and sometimes we even win. Life is like a box of chocolates and coots can be just as clueless as Forrest Gump.

We get our direction from the media

We all get messages from the media around us. These days it is pretty hard to miss the messages because of all the new and old media connections going on. We still have radio and television and a few hard core troglodytes among us still read newspapers. But there is also the new media. Despite our reputation, coots are into the trendy new social media like Facebook and Twitter and, of course, blogs. With all these media peppering our minds, it is hard to have an independent thought. It is even harder to notice that what you thought was your idea was planted there, first with a soft landing and later reinforcement by pile driver. It is easy to develop confidence in your cognition and judgment and conclude that you are one smart cookie.

“Yep.” you tell yourself. “Those guys on the radio are right. They’ve come to the same conclusion as me. They are pretty smart.”

But the truth is somewhat different.

This coot discovered that the truth is a another story altogether; maybe I am not the smart one after all.

The truth is that my mind was a big echo chamber. Years of education in our country’s finest institutions and even more stuck as a cog in the corporate machinery has left it empty and flabby. It has been purged of content and conditioned to lie on the couch waiting to be fed. What is left is a sounding board for any idea that penetrates. It is hard to notice this after so many years of conditioning because of the quantity of bad ideas bouncing around in there. They make a lot of noise. It is especially hard because I discovered that those ideas have taken root and claimed me. I believed they were mine. It is very hard to accept that reality because it meant that I was nothing more than a mouthpiece for somebody else’s ideas. I hadn’t used my mind for any independent thought for years and I didn’t know how to think anymore.

What to do about getting your head straight?

It has been a tough struggle, turning off all that noise rattling around my empty head. First I had to stop listening so that no more bad ideas could penetrate. That was the hardest step because all those bad ideas were telling me that I should listen. “ I needed information,” they told me again and again. “Or else I would be uninformed and stupid.” My conditioning told me that they were right but something inside me said no and I continued to shut our the media. Slowly, the noise in my head quieted. Without reinforcement, those ideas stopped bouncing and began to fall in a puddle and drain away. Then, one day, it was quiet. I didn’t have a thought in my head – mine or anyone else s. What now?

I had work to do. I had to learn how to think.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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