Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

Coot’s News Service- May 15, 2011

Posted by Ralph at 11:10 Headline News

May 152011

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It’s another frustrating week- nothing new about that!

In our weekly quest for some good news to report this week, your Coot’s correspondent confesses to some frustration. As always there is a preponderance of bad news caused principally by the perverse need for humans to gloat over somebody else’s misfortune. The Coot’s News Service tries to stay above this pettiness but sometimes bad news is actually good news. Take big cities. What good has ever come from big cities? Too many people crammed together is a recipe for disaster so therefore bad news for cities is good news for humanity.

I told you that the Coot’s News Service leaves not stone unturned.

We start the news this week with stories with the hopeful message that cities are not the answer. First the news that people under 30 are deserting New York City for greener pastures.

New Yorkers under 30 plan to flee city, says new poll; cite high taxes, few jobs as reasons

And if people are fleeing New York City, the high murder rate in Dallas will surely encourage savvy residents to relocate as well.

Killings Averaging 1 Daily in Dallas

Perhaps they should consider moving to Frisco now that civilization has arrived.

Woman Bursts into Joyful Tears During In-N-Out Grand Opening

There is some real good news this week even as tornadoes continue to terrorize the country. This story tells how a young boy survived a tornado that destroyed his hour by hiding in a dryer.

Boy rides out storm in dryer

In International news, it appears that recent elections may free the oppressed Scottish minority from the oppressive yoke of British domination. It is not clear just yet how this will play out and what it will mean to lovers of Scotch whisky all around the world. This Coot hopes that freedom for the Scots won’t mean that they have enough money to drink it all themselves leaving nothing to export.

Landslide Election Brings Scottish Independence Closer

Our final news item brings togther two of our favorite people, The president and Justn Bieber. With such a powerful duo, it just has to be good news.

Justin Bieber And President Obama Team Up To Make A Fan’s Dreams Come True

So that’s the news for this week. It wasn’t easy finding good news and even harder to give it the best spin. Come back next week. We can always hope that the news will get better.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coots News Service- April 24, 2011

Posted by Ralph at 09:40 Headline News

Apr 242011

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Headline News

It’s been a struggle to find any good news this week. The weather has been dreary. Earth Day was a big bust and gas prices keep going higher. Most Americans are fed up with the bad economy and were hoping that Spring would mark some imprevements. Alas, it seems that despite the heroic efforts of our leaders in Washington, there just doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Americans pessimistic about economy: poll says

Gas prices are up. Food prices are up. What are we expected to do when the only people getting raises are prison guards in California. Is this what the President promised?

Jerry Brown defends prison guard contract

Some folks are saying that all this bad news could tip the economy. I hope that’s good news.

Killer Combo of High Gas, Food Prices at Key Tipping Point

Boy, it’s enough to get you really depressed. Surely there is some good economic news? After a great deal of effort, I managed to find that there is one segment of the economy that thinks we are getting better. I’m not sure how good this is as an economic indicator but beggers can’t be choosers. Apparently if you want to get divorced bad enough, you will decide that the economy is improving. It’s working to make things better for lawyers.

Recovery prompts US divorce rebound

Around the world, people are dealing with the bad economy in other ways. A man in China demonstrated remarkable resiliance with bad economic times and provides an example for Americans. Maybe we don’t need that four bedroom Cape Cod with a picket fence after all.

I live in a pipe

Boomers are used to driving the economy and breaking new ground. Now that they are beginning to retire we begin to see that they aren’t content with their father’s retirement. That’s not good enough. Boomers do it different. They retire to new jobs.

Many Baby Boomers retire to new job

And we close the news for this week with the antithesis of baby boomers- Justin Bieber- a trendmaker if I ever saw one. Don’t expect him to respond to your Twitter. You might as well expect to win the lottery.

Justin Bieber hits 9 million Twitter followers, keeps on rolling

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coots News Service-Tax Week Edition

Posted by Ralph at 06:57 Headline News

Apr 102011

Image by JasonTromm via Flickr

No

No postponement for Tax Day

Well, the last week before dreaded Tax Day is going to be normal. This Coot was hoping that the Washington hacks would get all flummoxed by the complexities of the government budget that they would shut down the whole damn place. No such luck! By an unfortunatle lapse, I end up owing the goverenment this year. It would have been nice to have the government off my back while I scrape together the payment. Now it looks like I’m stuck. Those fools took off the boxing gloves long enough to cut a deal. All I know is if the politicians agree on something, it can’t be good news for me.

Obama, Ryan praise budget deal, look to next budget battles

Now that our President has shown himself to be a war monger just like any other President and started his own war, it is dismaying to find that the wrath of the American government just doesn’t seem to have the clout it used to have. The latest target of American firepower seems un-phased by all this attention.

‘Papa Is Used to the Heat’

People say that the only reason the US goes to war is over oil. This Coot has never figured out why we don’t just drill for it in Alaska or off the California coast. But is seems we’d rather bomb Arabs than disturb polar bears and sea gulls. Maybe, however, there is another alternative- we can use microbes to make oil. Why not? They’re not endangered.

Microbes may produce marketable methane gas from old coal

And finally, I know that CNS readers are always eager to know what our favorite Canadian pop star is up too. As his devoted fans know, Justin is way more than just a pretty face with sheep dog hair. Our multi-talented star is also an athlete. This week finds him training in Barcelona.

Bieber trains with Barcelona

Now, I’m off to search under my living room couch for loose change and dig out the rainy day money hidden under my mattress. Now that the government is going to be paying those IRS agents, I can’t afford to make them unhappy.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s News Service – March 27, 2011

Posted by Ralph at 10:48 Headline News

Mar 272011

Back from the Snowpack!

The Coots spare no expense to bring our readers the news you won’t get from your local rag. This week we sent our correspondent to check out the record snowfall in the Sierra Mountains. The Snowfall stopped just long enough for him to make it through the pass and get settled in a lakeside cabin. Then the snow returned and proceeded to trap him in the cabin for days. Normal weather at Lake Tahoe for this time of year is 60 degrees with hot chicks skiing in bikinis. Not this year! One would have thought that Al Gore was in town what with the unnatural cold and snow. Anyway, our correspondent is safely back where the snow don’t stick trying to warm his frostbiten fingers and get this report out.

Latest winter storm adds to monster Sierra snow pack

In all the excitement of the harrowing trip through the mountains yesterday, it seems I missed Earth Hour.

“What?” you say. “You don’t know about Earth Hour..” Earth Hour is when you turn off all the helpful energy using devices that make civilized life so pleasant for an hour.

“What?” I can hear you say again. “Why would I do that?” This answer reveals that you are a spoiled, insensitive, greedy bastard intent on destroying the loving and nurturing planet that has done so much for us. Turning off that TV set for an hour shows your sensitivity and how in tune you are with mother nature- a lesson which might have benefited the Japanese. Anyway , it seems that fewer people are hearing the call of Mother Earth these days because Earth Hour seems to be losing it’s appeal.

Earth Hour may be losing steam as novelty wears off

There is good news in California which has finally managed to create 100,000 new jobs after years of decline. Despite this increase, California is still second only to Nevada in unemployment at over 12%.

California jobs pick up nearly 100,000 in February

To clean the tarnish off the Golden State, something more is needed. It just might be California seniors that can push California back to economic health. It’s time for seniors to back away from the expected jobs like Walmart greeters and burger flippers and go entrepreneurial.

Retirement Entrepreneurs

Illinois may do better than California with employment today but that may be changing. Illinois decided to fix it’s budget problems by increasing taxes and the impact is having mixed results. Revenues are up but may drop soon. Big employers like Caterpillar and Oprah are fleeing the state

Caterpillar CEO’s letter talks of leaving Illinois

‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ ends May 25. What’s your favorite Oprah memory?

Raising taxes only works when companies actually pay them. Some clever companies manage to avoid this unpleasant pastime and even better, manage to get money from the government on top. You may have wondered what kinds of business our President actually likes. You might think that it would be the profitable companies who just make high quality products and please customers resulting in high profits and nice tax revenies for the government. Well, you’d be wrong.

White House defends embrace of G.E. CEO despite report company didn’t owe taxes in 2010

We can’t leave this summary with bad news so to close out this weeks CNS report, there is good news from New Jersey The last episode of Jersey Shore reached the highest ratings ever for the show. This means that we can look forward to more of Snooky and her buds next year.

Jersey Shore Has Highest-Rated Season Finale Ever

So keep your spirits high, CNS readers. There is good news out there and our irrepressible reporters will track it down for you. Stay tuned.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s News Service- Headline News for March 20, 2011

Posted by Ralph at 10:27 Headline News

Mar 202011

The pavement of Copacabana Beach, Rio de Janei...

Image via Wikipedia

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Stop with the news from Japan!

It’s a crazy week. More Japan news than you can shake a stick at crowding the media still after more than a week. You won’t find any of that stuff here.

Whatever! There is still important news that needs highlighting and the Coots News Service will dig it out for you.

The President takes a break from all the pressures of office, heading for Brazil with his family. He is enjoying the hot Brazilian beats and tropical beauty, perhaps even checking out the Girl from Ipamema. He is rumored to be disappointed at missing Carnivale. He was heard expressing dismay that despite telling officials about his planned trip, they did not delay Carnivale for his arrival. Some people don’t learn. Brazilians are apparently unaware that the President takes his time making decisions and expects the world to stop while he decides. I guess they will get it someday.

President Obama lands in Brazil while conservatives blast trip during chaos in Japan, Libya

No matter, the poor Pres just can’t get a break. Rudderless European countries long used to leadership from the United States just can’t seem to get their shit together and move out of the spare bedroom. Obama has been trying tough love but European leaders are still confused whether to do their homework or sneak out and party.

European governments “completely puzzled” about U.S. position on Libya

Party on, Dudes.

Meanwhile, world leadership emerges from the oddest places. Take Sarah Palin. She’s been a controversial figure in the US for several years now but her influence is going international. The Arab League is taking her lead as they desperately struggle to earn world respect. Hint, It takes more than terrorism and economic stagnation to get world approval.

Palin Doctrine Emerges as Arab League Echoes Her Demarche on Libya

Back at home, we can’t seem to get a break on the economy, despite the President’s lazer-like focus on job growth down at Copacabana Beach, unemployment is high and getting higher.

Unemployment rises in nearly all metro areas

It’s not just unemployment that is up. The cost of living has reached record levels too. I guess if everything goes up together, we won’t notice.

US Cost of Living Hits Record, Passing Pre-Crisis High

The UK has it’s problems as well. The legendary red squirrel is in decline, backed into a corner by the larger and more aggressive illegal aliens- the grays. These illegals had better watch out because the red squirrels have a real champion to defend them from the foreigner. It is none other than the formidable Prince Charles. Watch out, he doesn’t sick Camilla on them.

Prince Charles: We must save the squirrel

It seems we have to go into outer space this week for some good news. Going to the Moon may be too much but we actual managed to send a spacecraft to Mercury in order to get better information about the smallest planet in the solar system (apologies to the recently demoted Pluto who formerly held that title). Kudos to the engineers who created this craft to withstand extreme temperature variations so that we can learn more about our winged companion.

NASA milestone: MESSENGER spacecraft enters orbit around Mercury

Back at home, there is one sign of good news. In New Jersey, the governor has finally figured out how to get some value out of the broken, overpriced and failing education system. He is selling advertising. What’s nice is that they don’t have to worry about adult content because none of the kids riding the bus can read anyway. Everybody wins.

School buses give ads a ride

Well, I tried to find some good news this week. If I were you, I’d skip this whole report. Nothing here you can’t live without.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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