Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

Coots News Service-What Good is Iowa Anyway?

Posted by Ralph at 05:11 Headline News

Aug 142011

Image via Wikipedia

Are you fed up with Iowa?

This week it has been hard to find news that doesn’t somehow involve Iowa. Why anyone cares about Iowa or more specifically what Iowans think about anything is beyond me. I confess to never setting foot in Iowa despite growing up in a neighborhing state. There is absolutely no reason to go there. Anything that Iowa has that you might need can be shipped. One good measure of how boring it must be to live in Iowa is that they welcome politicians so they can try our their ‘not ready for prime time’ acts there. It’s bad enough to deal with politicians every two or four years but in Iowa it is perpetual. I don’t know the sad story about how Iowa got to have such unjustified influence on the country but the Coots want to start a groundswell to get it stopped. Ask yourself if there is anything important that ever came our of Iowa and why we shouldn’t give this upstart state its come uppance by kicking it out of the Union. Let’s build on the backlash around the country about having our politicians vetted by corn-fed yokels. Let’s eliminate Iowa so we can get our country back. Maybe it is already starting.

Iowa’s place at center of political world under threat

Ok, so much for politics. Let’s get back to the fun ‘Cool’ stuff like fast boats. Let’s face it, boats have gotten dull. They all look so, well, boat-like. There is just no surprise when you see a boat, even a fast one, until now. There is a new fast boat in town that looks like it might have been created by Batman. If you’ve gotten bored with boats these days then check this one out.

THIS IS THE LUXURY BOATING INDUSTRY’S NEW SUPERHERO-ESQUE SPEED RACER

There is great news for the dating scene this week too. These days sometimes that innocent drink gets spiked with a little something that lowers a girls resistance. What is a girl to do? If she only knew that her date was a scuzz she could avoid a bad experience. Well now she has a solution. There is a new device that can check drinks for the presence of date rape drugs.

SEE HOW A COOL NEW SENSOR CAN DETECT ANY DATE RAPE DRUG IN YOUR DRINK

We’ve got some lifestyle good news as well this week. You know that boring backyard swimming pool that you never use? Kill the damn thing and replace it with something you can really use. Even in LA where a backyard pool is practically required, this couple pioneers a whole new backyard lifestyle.

Granada Hills couple replaces unused backyard pool with dynamic outdoor living space

And another example for that kid of yours that keeps crying because he wants you to send to Berkeley. Since all he will learn there is how to picket military recruiters, cut our the middleman. Send him to Europe to live on the streets so he can become a billionaire.

Life Lessons From a Fire-Breathing, Stilt-Walking Billionaire

And finally, great news for the shoe business. Now you don’t just buy shoes for walking,. Now you can run your air conditioner and hike at the same time. It’s awesome. Think it would work with gum?

ELECTRIC SHOES..A GAME CHANGER FOR THE HUGE FOOTWEAR INDUSTRY

So that’s the good news for this week. All in all.,I’m pretty pleased. You don’t even have to think about the stock market or politics. Take a hike and save the planet.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s News Service for August 7,2011

Posted by Ralph at 05:45 Headline News

Aug 072011

Image by Cloe_rose via Flickr

I say fire all the reporters.

Have you ever experienced such a pis poor offering of news as this week? Well it just pushes the Coot’s News Service to work harder finding stories that make the week brighter. Let’s start with the President who reached the half-century mark this week by having a cook-out followed by a sock hop in the White House . The country may be on the ropes but we’ve got a leader that knows how to party hearty. You go Prez!

Obama’s 50th Birthday bash: Stevie Wonder, Chris Rock, Tom Hanks, Whoopi Goldberg, Herbie Hancock, Jay Z

Continuing the good news, maybe you can’t afford to send Junior to Yale- or even community college but it doesn’t mean he can’t have a bright future. Plenty of big companies are run by college dropouts. Just tell him to get a job or- better yet- start up a company in the garage.

Biggest Businesses Run by College Dropouts

Continuing with the good news is this breakthrough research. It seems that living a healthy lifestyle is nothing but hogwash Scientists find that it doesn’t contribute a bean to living longer. It seems that you die when you are supposed to die no matter what you eat and how you exercise so forget all that healthy crap your doctor has pushed on you. Eat up! Loosen that belt and let it all hang out.

Living to see 100 is just luck, not lifestyle

Have you been conned into a membership with Angies List yet. Apparently it helps you find the best suppliers but it is also a vehicle for complainers. Thanks to Angie, anyone with a beef can post a compliant about a business. Doctors are no exception. Would you like to know that Dr. J has cold hands? Maybe you’d like to avoid Dr. K who has bad breath. Well with all this negative going around Doctors have come back with their own website. This one lets other Doctors know what patients are chronic complainers. It’s only fair.

Doctors Turn The Tables On Their Patients With A New Patient Rating Site

Now we come to a breakthrough new product we may all be needing soon. It’s a coat that turns into a sleeping bag – perfect when you are homeless – a coat you can live in.

How A 21-Year-Old Design Student’s Sleeping-Bag Coat Could Break The Cycle Of Homelessness

We are going to wrap up the news this week with something light hearted. It’s a game. See if you can match the thief with the object they stole. I tried it and believe me it’s harder than it looks.

Match the arrestee with the item they allegedly stole.

That’s the news for this week. Given what we had to work with, I’m pretty pleased. Keep smiling no matter what the reporters throw at you until we post the next edition of CNS next week. Keep smiling!

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s News Service- July 31,2011

Posted by Ralph at 09:49 Headline News

Jul 312011

Image by Thomas Hawk via Flickr

We’re lucky to live in the United States

where we are free from government coersion and control of our lives but once in a while our government needs to step in to solve a problem that’s just too big for us ordinary folks to handle. Take the energy situation for example. Civilization needs energy to keep going but it seems like all the ways to get energy are expensive and full of pollution. Like I said, it’s way too complicated for us ordinary folk to handle. That’s why we have government isn’t it. There are all those dimensions like manufacturing, staying comfortable and getting around. Take automobiles. You need a car to get around but gas costs an arm and a leg (and maybe your firstborn son, to boot). You can buy one of those hybrids if you’ve got a trust fund but most of us drive cars that use gas. What can you do? It’s a big problem. Well in one fell stroke, the governent has eliminated the problem. If you could drive twice as far on a tank of gas all your problems would be solved? Right!. Stop worrying. With the stoke of a pen, now all cars have to get 54 miles to the gallon. Is there any problem that can’t be solved by government?

Fuel efficiency: Will new rules cure US addiction to foreign oil?

When you live in a democracy, voting is one of the most important rights. Sometimes with all the benefits and comforts today, it’s hard to keep that responsibility. There is just so much more to do that’s fun. Voting gets to be a pain. Sometimes it takes a little incentive to get us to take that responsibility seriously.

MARIJUANA CLINIC OFFERS FREE POT TO PATIENTS WHO REGISTER TO VOTE

Moving right along , sometimes we think that the US makes all the scientific breakthroughs. We forget that serious scientific research and development is now a worldwide activity. Just to make that point clear, here is just on example of the cutting edge work from Korea.

SOUTH KOREAN SCIENTISTS CREATE $3 MILLION GLOW-IN-THE-DARK DOG

Now you will never again trip over the dog when you come in late.

I don’t have much good to say about lawyers. If you need one you are in serious shit and it’s going to cost you big time but I can’t help wondering if isn’t because most of our politicians are lawyers. You know the saying ‘when you’re a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail’. Well, I’m wondering if we didn’t have so many damn lawyers if we might have less serious shit to deal with. Anyway today I found a warm and fuzzy lawyer story. It might make you feel a little better the next time you hit some serious shit.

WOMAN GOES INTO LABOR DURING BAR EXAM, HAS BABY RIGHT AFTER

Finally a fitting tribute to an American (well maybe Austrian-American) super hero, the former Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger who’se been going through a rough patch these days. At least he’s getting some well-deserved appreciation from his homeland.

Arnold Schwarzenegger museum opens in Austrian hometown

That’s the good news for this week. Bought your gold yet?

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s News Service- There’s good news this week!

Posted by Ralph at 05:33 Headline News

Jul 172011

Adult male Grand Cayman Blue Iguana. Photo by ...

Image via Wikipedia

I’m so excited!

The good news abounds this week. I just don’t know where to start so lets just begin with the story with the biggest hype- the new Harry Potter movie. From what I read it’s a blockbuster. It just another demonstration to me of our failing civilization and culture to see the world go gaga over upper class British prep school wizards. Sorry, I just can’t relate. I was mildly curious at the first one but the boarding school venue and the outlandish happenings left me happy to pass on any more visits to Hogwarts. I mean those kids don’t even play soccer or polo. They ride dragons.

So you may wonder why I include this new blockbuster in the good news. As usual these days you have to work to make anything good news and the good news here is that THIS IS THE LAST ONE! There won’t be any more of this damn silliness.

Final Harry Potter movie opens in theaters

The rest of this week’s stories take less manipulation. You can see the benefit immediately. Take flying cars. I’ve been taunted by the promise of flying cars for most of my life. They were always going to save us from rush hour traffic but the problem was they were always promised and never delivered. Well, at long last, the wait is over because in Florida you are going to be able to get one and pull it into your garage.

THE FUTURE IS HERE: THESE ‘TRANSITION’ FLYING CARS APPROVED AS ‘STREET LEGAL’

And there is more good news from Florida. Graffiti which plagues cities all over the states has become a tourist attraction in Miami. Whether this says that Graffiti artists are more talented in Florida or just that Florida knows how to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, it just demonstrates that PT Barnum was right.

Graffiti tours turn Miami street art into attraction

Right and left, endangered species are falling off the list. Apparently the sky is not falling like the green nuts keep telling us because as we learned from Jurassic Park, “Life will find a way.” First the blue iguana rebounds.

Blue iguana rebounds from extinction

Next we learn that two leopards have been hiding.

Good News for 2 Rare Leopard Species [Video]

But there is more good news. You know how you keep hearing about drinking 8 glasses of water a day. It’s been bugging me for years. Nobody ever cared how many glasses of water I drank as a kid- or how many sodas either. They somebody claiming to be a scientist started fussing about drinking enough water and telling you that enough meant eight was the right amount. Then you started seeing people carrying water bottles around with them- in the car and at office meetings. It seemed nutty until everybody was doing it. Well it turns out that it is nutty. You don’t need to drink eight glasses of water a day- or even seven or six. Now the word is that you drink when you are thirsty. What a concept. God had it all figured out. There isn’t a quota and your body knows when it needs water. It’s enough to make you lose faith in science.

Eight Glasses of Water a Day Is ‘Nonsense’

And the final good news is about our favorite young vocalist. Not only is our young man lucky in love. He turns out to be a great business man as well. His new fragrance is breaking records,

Justin Bieber fragrance ‘Someday’ could shatter celeb scent records; Likely best seller of 2011

This is definitely a red letter day for good news. Don’t expect every week to be this good. Read each of these stories carefully and savor them. They may need to last you for some time.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s News Service- If there is good news out there today, We’ll find it.

Posted by Ralph at 08:57 Headline News

Jul 102011

LONDON - NOVEMBER 16: In this photo illustrat...

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

I think the reporters are getting it.

There is actually some good news this week even if you have to tease the stories a bit to make it work. It’s all in the interpretation. The President has been talking about job creation for years now. First it was with lazer-like focus and then we heard that it’s his first thought upon getting out of bed each day. Despite that concentration, the man has to be frustrated because those jobs have been slow in coming. Well that is about to change. Nobody is telling the details but apparently now, the President has it all figured out. How do I know? It’s this headline from today.

Top Obama adviser says unemployment won’t be key in 2012

Something big is coming. Now the President is going to get serious and make those jobs appear. And it gets better! Not only will jobs not be a problem, the President wants to solve the mortgage problem as well- or at least part of it. If you don’t get one of those new jobs the President is creating and stay unemployed, he wants to pay your mortgage for you. You can’t lose under the Presidents two pronged approach, either you get a job or he pays your mortgage. It doesn’t get much sweeter than that. Arnn’t you proud to be an American?

NO JOB? OBAMA NOW SAYS YOU MAY NOT HAVE TO PAY YOUR MORTGAGE FOR A FULL YEAR

There are also good signs from Congress which is about to back away from banning incandescent light bulbs. Those old standard light bulbs were given a death sentence a few years back. Congress wanted to force everybody to use those funny compact florescents that your electric company keeps urging you to buy. (Does it ever make you wonder what is wrong with America today when the electric compnay- which supposedly makes money by selling you electricity- will pay you to use less? Who makes up the difference? This being America, it’s you the taxpayer. You the taxpayer are paying your electric company to pay you to turn off your air conditioner and buy crummy light bulbs. This happens because of the kind help of your elected representatives. But I degress.) Anyway Congress is having second thoughts about telling you what to buy until they are sure they can legally make you buy health insurance so, for now, they will reconsider letting you buy any old light bulb you want.

House GOP set to repeal incandescent bulb ban

If you are like me, you hate those self checkout lanes at stores. They are confusing, annoying and demeaning ways to separate you from your money. What clearer signal can you get from a retailer that you, the customers, are an annoying inconvenience than to eliminate completely any human interface in the buying process. I don’t know about you but if I want to eliminate human beings from my life, there isn’t anything I can’t buy on the internet and get delivered where my embarrassments are private and not public. The good news this week is that retailers may finally be recognizing that human beings might be an advantage in the retail market. One grocery company is getting rid of its self-checkout lanes.

Major grocer getting rid of self-checkout lanes

The final bit of good news is about higher education. You know those guilt trips that everybody suffers because they haven’t put aside a couple hundred thousand dollars to put their kid through a ‘good’ school. Well the word is out. College is a scam. Bill Gates, Michael Dell and Richard Branson never graduated from college. Save your money. Get your kid a job- or better set him up in business.

The College Scam

Or maybe blow it on a cruise. I hear you can get some screaming deals these days.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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