Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

No News is Good News

Posted by Ralph at 12:08 Headline News

Sep 082011

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The world is going to hell in a handbasket- whatever that means. For this week, I’m putting a good face on a bad situation. Since all I can find this week is bad news, I’m skipping the news summary. Lately it’s getting harder and harder to find any good news out there. It’s enough to make me pessimistic. It also makes me wonder what’s going on? There are earthquakes here and tornadoes there. The economy is not budging. It’s been down for years and it seems to be going down further. Spreading that gloom and doom can only make things worse.

It’s time for Plan B.

I’ve been scouring the news sources further and further from the mainstream hoping fto find something good but it’s just no use. The only thing cheerful going on is that Royal Wedding in England but happy as those royals seem to be and crazy as the clothes they put on to celebrate are, I just can’t go there. In America, King George was the last monarch we paid attention to and he blew it. This American can’t even manage a snicker at the Royal goings on. It’s like seeing your parents go senile.

There is no future in news.

Right now , I’m wondering what’s the point? Bad news is bad news. There isn’t any way to avoid it and I’m feeling that the last thing anyone needs is somebody reminding them how bad off they are. So today I’m proposing an alternative. Either we drop this news summary altogether or we shift gears. I’m open to suggestions. Maybe readers know some good news and are willing to pass it along. I’m not sure what makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is pandering to the forces dragging our spirits down whether they occupy the seat of government or the TV studios. If they can’t find us some good news than I guess we will just have to make some up.

This week’s good news is that there is no bad news.

One way of another, the Cantankerous Old Coots through with bad news. This week, the good news is that the Coot’s News Service will not be passing along any bad news. If you need it, you know where to find it. The Good News is that from now on here at CNS there is no bad news. Next week, who knows. We’re making this up as we go.

Now put on your thinking caps and pass along your suggestions for finding good news for next week. If you don’t help, I may be forced to make some up.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s News Service- May 8,2011

Posted by Ralph at 05:03 Headline News, Uncategorized

Sep 072011

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Good News!

As our faithful readers know, last week was a blowout. I couldn’t find any good news and so I decided that no news is good news and indulged in a snit. Well, I was worried this week as I looked over the headlines. I know I threatened to make my own news if that’s what it took to find good news but you can all feel relieved. This week I found some good news.

Let’s start with the economy. Finally maybe things are looking up because there are new jobs appearing around the country. It beats me why anyone would hire anybody but for whatever reason they are. For some reason the unemployment rate went up too. It’s not such good news when there are more new people looking for jobs than new jobs. Still with this economy, I’m ready to grasp at any straw.

Job Creation Much Better Than Expected; Rate Hits 9%

The EU has been in a bad way lately with so many countries owning more than they are worth. It was making the Euro look pretty lame in their bid to become a world currency. Greece was thinking about dropping the Euro and once the defection started, the rest of the PIGS would surely follow. Well, Greece says they wouldn’t think of leaving the Euro zone. I guess those bailouts really work.

Greece denies report it’s seeking to leave euro

Locally there is more good news. Our recently departed governor is returning to his old career. Apparently he was an entertainer of some sort. It ‘s hard to imagine what kind of success a short guy with a saggy face and a hicky Austrian accent could make for himself in Hollywood but he must have made some connections during his time in office. I don’t think Californians will be interested in seeing any more of him but according to a Hollywood hack,

“I guarantee that you’ll get another look at Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie,”

That’s enough to keep me away.

Arnold Schwarzenegger picks drama for comeback

Closer to home, Sacramento keeps the lights on at night.

Don’t the city fathers know that that’s what street lights are for? I would say something about the brightest bulbs not deciding to reside in the city whose claim to fame is that it is two hours from places you would like to be but then I’d have to explain why I live here – or maybe not.

City Takes Unique Approach To Deter Copper Thieves

Good news for the tourist season in Martha’s Vinyard. They sighted the first great white of the season. This is sure to keep the hoi polloi away from the playground of the idle rich . This will be good news for the Jersey Shore too. Snooky will have lots of business.

Great white zeroes in on whale off Vineyard

Young ladies these days seem to have minds of their own. After a Toronto cop suggested that dressing like a slut might cause men to thing that that’s actually what you are and act accordingly, spontaneous demonstrations popped up on college campuses all over honoring sluts. I always wondered why educating women is a good idea. This proves my point.

Cop’s rape comment sparks wave of ‘SlutWalks’

Finally, a heartwarming story to wrap up this weeks CNS. Marie Osmond gets married again – to her first husband. Doesn’t it just warm your heat?

Love, etc.: Marie Osmond remarries long-ago ex-husband

So now we’re back in the groove with the news. Enjoy.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Down with Stupidity

Posted by Ralph at 05:02 Down with

Sep 072011

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute this. I say that there is more stupidity than hydrogen and that is the basic building block of the universe.” Frank Zappa

I intended to write another Coot’s lesson today but my muse remained obstinately silent. The thoughts were there in the appropriate order but stuggle as I might, the outline refused to metamorphose into brilliant prose- or even pedestrian prose – so , good blogger that I am I have a workaround for a lazy muse day- my book of cantankerous quotations, always good for breaking a mental block.

Todays quotation is from Frank Zappa – self proclaimed musical genius from the 70’s. I claim no understanding of Frank Zappa or his music even though he and I are roughly contemporaries but I like the quotation. Keep it in mind the next time you listen to a politician. If you never heard of Frank Zappa before then by all means open the video below. It won’t answer any questions but when you are done, you will know about Frank Zappa’s music – at least a little. For me, the most significant thing you need to know about Frank is that he named his four kids Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen and apparently they love him anyway.

If Frank were alive today he would surely be far beyond Cantankerous.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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CNS for Labor Day Weekend

Posted by Ralph at 05:55 Headline News

Sep 042011

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Summer is over!

Labor Day Weekend is a time when good news is critical. Back to school! Back to work. There is a lot of pressure to shape up, get serious and deliver. It’s the last three day weekend until February and everybody needs a little help keeping positive over the next six months. But never fear, the Coots News Service has you covered this week. Not that it was easy, mind you, but that’s our job and we take it very seriously.

Speaking of school!

I know that education is very controversial these days. Some people think that we don’t spend enough money and that’s why Johnny can’t read and others think that the schools spend too much time and money teaching things that kids ought to learn at home (if they need to learn it at all). Those discussions can get quite active and unfriendly at times but maybe there is a way to make everybody happy. Recent research says that teaching love in schools can be very beneficial (and they don’t mean learning how to put a condom on a banana).

The benefits of adding love to your school’s curriculum

While you are at it, do something for yourself as well. None of us is getting any younger and if you are like me, each year makes it just a bit harder to pretend that you are still a 25 year old stud. Well it seems that there is something you can do to feel younger. You can be positive and expect the best.

Look on the bright side of life if you want to feel young, say researchers

And if you a re beyond even the hope of feeling young, you can at least decide that when it is time to move on you do it in the greenest way possible. I think there was a movie about this back in the 60’s. They even called it green even before the wackos thought the term up. Makes you wonder.

YOU CAN NOW LIQUEFY YOUR BODY FOR A ‘GREENER’ BURIAL

And now for something special to do this weekend. Not just the old same old same old stuff that everybody does but something really cool. Like watching a supernova.

THE PLANET’S CLOSEST SUPERNOVA IN 25 YEARS CAN BE SEEN THIS WEEKEND

Now to close down this weeks CNS report, the best news of all. There are many reasons to love Southwest Airlines- great schedules, cheap fares, no hubs, stand-up comics flying the planes. What more could you ask? Well, there is more! Now they have topped all those feats and made flying a bit more civilized. I may never fly with another airlines.

Saggy Pants Cost Green Day Singer His Airline Seat

So this wraps up our news for Labor Day. Make the most of it and stay positive. Whatever happens when life goes back to normal after the weekend, the Coots News Service will have more good news for you next week.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Coot’s Christmas? Bah Humbug!

Posted by Ralph at 08:03 Plain 'ol Cantankerous

Sep 022011

: Image via Wikipedia

It’s Christmas- Feel the love?

It’s just part of my cantankerous nature to shun the shopping frenzy of the season but up until now it was impossible to avoid completely. With kids you have to get the spirit because it is part of the contract. Now that I’m retired I spend more time with my wife which is good but often the time is spent accompanying her while she is shopping. This isn’t bad so long as I don’t have to do anything but it does force me to participate in insanities I would otherwise avoid like stores. These days I find that the Christmas season still has all the frenzy that I remember but I can no longer find the spirit.

Bring back the good old days.

When I was a kid, there was magic at Christmas. Department stores would compete to have the best Santa display, devoting whole floors to creating a winter wonderland. They also competed to create the best store windows. (When is the last time you saw a store window?) My family would go downtown (25 miles from the farm) just to visit Santa and see the display windows. Of course today anyplace but New York, and San Francisco downtowns are dead as are all the competing department stores. These days Macy’s stands alone. Shopping malls didn’t come along until later but even then, downtown was where the action was.

Malls leave me cold

I don’t much like shopping malls. It has been six months since I visited a mall and a year since I actually spent any money there. They have the crowds; they have decorations;.they have Santa but they don’t have any spirit for me. It is all just empty noise. I’ll be doing my shopping on line. It is easy but there lies the rub. I’m just going through the numbers. I don’t have any Christmas spirit and I don’t know what I can do about it. There is no hassle. No panic. No frustration about finding a parking spot. I am calm cool and collected waiting for the UPS guy to deliver. I just don’t have any Christmas spirit this year.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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