Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

Three Cheers for Fat!

 Posted by at 11:03  rants
Feb 232015
 

No-fat is no-good

You know what really kills me? It is all these no-fat, lo-fat foods. Not that you can’t still find the good tasting stuff with all the goodness of real high quality fat around. Ben and Jerry’s is still going strong but our  whole society is just over loaded with message against fat. You would think that fat was a plague from the devil just like that insidious apple in the garden instead of God’s gift to good tasting food and healthy living. You heard me. I said healthy and fat in the same sentence.

Fat is part of a healthy diet no matter what the government says

The body needs fat to be healthy and eating fat has very little to do with getting fat. Blame that on the carbs. Carbs are the evil dudes, especially the simple carbs like sugar and pasta. You know that fat has got to be  OK because the government is against it. If you have been around even a little while you realize that the government strenuously avoids accepting anything as healthy- just try to get anything approved by the FDA. When they do accept something, however, it becomes chiseled in stone, like the ten commandments. And when they discover the ‘truth’, they spare no expense with your money to harangue you with it.

We have all been brainwashed

By now, everybody believes that their health depends upon eliminating all fat from their diet because the government says so. And what do we find to help us? The helpful food companies oblige us with lo-fat and no-fat alternatives that either taste awful or are loaded with more carbs to make them somewhat palatable. Simple sheep that we are these days, we buy the stuff thinking we are being healthy by eating things we would never eat if taste were the criterion. These lo-fat and no-fat treats don’t spare us any calories. They just replace the fat with carbs which quickly settle on our ever expanding bellies. They aren’t so filling as the versions with fat and so we can eat more of the lo and no fat items.  And we do.

Eat Fat and Enjoy

Stop the foolishness and enjoy life. Eat food that is tasty, healthy and full fat. You will eat less. Enjoy it more and stay healthy. If you want to cut something in your life – start with the government propaganda and then cut out the carbs.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Down with Majorities!

 Posted by at 11:03  Down with
Feb 232015
 

“Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.”      Mark Twain

There is much left unsaid in that quote but somehow it captures my feelings as we approach the election. It may be our common Missouri birth and small town beginnings. It may be reflected in our escape from Missouri early in life to more cultured society but the basic similarity as I see it is in our mutual distrust of collective decisions in this country although it took me a while to get there.

By themselves, my fellow Americans seemed quite capable of making good decisions for themselves, their families and to a more limited degree, their neighborhood. But today, more and more of those decisions are made far away by people I don’t know, don’t much respect and who don’t seem to care about what I think. I’m talking about politicians.

 

Yeoman farmer

Rugged individuals don’t get respect

It seems like the questions are always about ‘those people over there’. “Those people over there’ are not like you and me. They have problems because they don’t make good decisions. They eat too much and what they eat too much of makes them fat and unhealthy. They smoke and as we all learn from watching too much TV, smoking is unhealthy. They drink- not the normal Martini before dinner and a beer watching the game. Those ‘people over there’ drink bourbon straight, 7 and 7 and tequila shooters to excess causing them to behave badly and drive drunk.

It’s always easy to demonize ‘people over there’ because they aren’t you; they aren’t your neighbor or your boss and by their very existence they threaten all you hold dear. I remember when I was young and offensively self-righteous, being quite upset over the sad state of affairs in our country. It was all because the ‘people over there’ weren’t living up to my expectations. (Back then, the nanny state was a wet dream of college professors and pinkos.) We were all dragged down because some people- meaning the ‘people over there’ just weren’t capable of making good decisions and so, for the good of the country we needed laws to make sure that they behaved. Of course I wanted to help.

 I was an easy sell.

It was he right thing for all us responsible people to create laws so that the ‘people over there’ would be forced to do the right thing. Then we would have the perfect country because all the ‘people over there’ would become just like me. It needed be said that of course they would be happy once set on the right path and all those problems caused by those ‘people over there’ would stop.

It didn’t go so well. Converting the ‘people over there’ to being ‘just like me’ is problematic and actually contrary to our founding principles. It actually created new problem. Oppressing ‘the people over there’ just created dependency and massive social programs paid for by me and run by those far away politicians. It turned out that managing those unintended consequences required more programs, more taxes and an undeserved level of respect for the politicians. It was so bad that now we actually needed them- or at least that’s what they told us.

Gradually this dogooder philosophy gained traction as more and more people became convinced that we could force those ‘people over there’ to behave just like us. Slowly the momentum built up until it became the American way to make sure that ‘people over there’ behaved right. Finally, the majority had caught up with me. But something still wasn’t right because somebody back there in government discovered that I was one of those ‘people over there’ too.

This was troubling.

How could that be? I hadn’t changed. But the country had.

What used to be responsible behavior is now reckless and irresponsible. Slowly the rugged individualism of my childhood became redefined as endangering society. How could I send my kids out on a bicycle without a helmet when at any moment a meteor might fall from the sky and brain them? How could I practice Christianity when it was clearly an oppressive cult: remember the crusades and the Spanish Inquisition? How could I insist that marriage is intended to nurture children and protect women not a tax dodge to get medical benefits? Who needs a Daddy anyway: the feminists have already established that men are redundant.

It seems that ‘the people over there’ have taken control and instead of listening to me, those politicians get stronger by enlarging their scope. They want me and the people like me to become manageable just like ‘the people over there’. They tried social pressure. Now it’s on to making laws.

It’s just like when I was young although when I was young and foolish, I believed that right was on my side. I was helping everyone by getting ‘the people over there’ whipped into shape. Now, I see things as more desperate. Unless something happens to rein in the politicians who now answer to no one, What freedom remaining to me will go. People like me will be forever lost in the great mass of ‘people over there’ working without free will or self-determination to support the will of the politicians subjugating us all. I guess it’s time for me to take Mark’s advice and reform.

 

 

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Damn those Astrologists

 Posted by at 11:03  Down with
Feb 232015
 
Leo Symbol
Image via Wikipedia

Who can you trust?

The world as I know it is crumbling. All around me the bedrock foundations upon which I have built my existence low these many years is under attack. You would think that at my advanced age, I’d have learned to roll with the punches but Newton’s laws seem to have a hold on personal development just as tenacious as on physical bodies. Seventy years of inertia is hard to buck.

First I lost Pluto

First, I have to confess that I am still reeling at the revelation that Pluto is not a planet. I grew up with the comforting knowledge that our sun has nine planets. The revisionist notion that Pluto is too insignificant to belong to the club shook me to the core.I it is just like the school bullies when I was a kid, who mocked and threatened the class runt and made him cower near the teacher during recess. What happened to equal opportunity? Is size the only thing that matters? Maybe I should respond to that email.

And then there is Ophiuchus

But back to the Zodiac. Now the same anal retentive pedants who demoted Pluto have attacked Astrology. They tell us to make room for another constellation- Ophiuchus.  This hits harder and deeper at the core of my being because it undermines my very identity. I reached my adult life in the 60’s and learned that my life was a reflection of my Astrological sign. A big part of the dating game (or rutting dance, if you prefer) was to exchange Astrological signs. Instantly you knew if tonight was the night or to continue cruising. Fortunately for me those days are past.

Because of Astrology, I knew who I was; what I was capable of; and what not to try. I was a Virgo. I was a good manager of life (mostly other peoples lives), not emotive but very caring. I was the quiet sensitive guy taking it all in. Life was simple. Just read the label and Ralph was easy. Now, I learn that it was all a mistake. The stars have shifted possibly during the 60’s when we celebrated the Age of Aquarius. It seems the sneaky Babylonians demoted an important constellation arbitrarily because they disliked the number 13. The result of this revisionism is that today I learn that I am really a Leo. And I don’t have a clue who I am anymore.

I have been living a lie.

Trying to play catchup, I read that Leo’s are the center of attention, charming all with their wit and wisdom. Leo’s are suckers for flattery. They will do anything for attention and get quite angry when they don’t get it. Leo’s are the people I always hated for their shallow intellects and needy natures. How could I have gotten myself so wrong? And now what do I do about it?

So now what?

After being duped and mislead by incompetent Astrologists for all these years, it is hard to face the reality that I have been living a lie, stomping down my outgoing Leo nature to fit an introspective Virgo image. Who can tell how that handicapped my life or what I might have achieved had I know my true sign. But it’s all too late now. Too late to run for President or conquer cable TV. And it is all the fault of incompetent Astrologists and my naive belief and trust in authority figures. Let that be a lesson for you young whippersnappers out there. Don’t get suckered into thinking you are are a Virgo when, in fact, you are a Leo. Don’t screw up your entire life living the wrong astrological sign. Don’t let yourself in for a wasted life as a left foot in a right shoe like I have. Find out who you really are and go with the flow. And now that I know who I am, want to party?

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Down with – Conservation

 Posted by at 11:03  Down with
Feb 232015
 

It started with Carter

It all started with that old anal retentive bastard Jimmy Carter. If you don’t remember the smug old know-it-all in his Mr. Rogers sweater scolding us all about waste and irresponsibility, then you are younger than 50 and have probably been brainwashed from birth to believe that we live in a limited world and that conservation is our only hope. We sent the old nag packing in 1981 freeing him up to build houses for losers but the cancer he started has metastasized into every aspect of today’s society.

It is all your fault.

Brush your teeth with the water running and you are an inconsiderate sob. Want to drive a car that is actually fun to drive? If you do then you are a gas hog. Would you like to be comfortably warm in the winter and cool in the summer? If you do then you are killing the planet. Like your green lawn? You are the cause of the salmon shortage and the imminent extinction of the Delta smelt, you selfish dolt.

I’m fed up

At every turn we are scolded about our waste and selfishness. Well, I’m fed up with conservation and like Howard Beal, I’m not going to take it any more. It is un-American. It is antithetical to our country’s history and destiny. The US was founded on unbridled optimism. The sky is the limit. Nothing is impossible. Today that is all changed. We are afraid of our shadows. We believe that the world is limited. There is not enough of everything we need whether it is energy, water, oil, air or food. It is so bad that unless we all channel Mother Teresa’s selflessness our world is doomed. Well I’m not buying it. I am channeling Howard Beal. I am fed up with lectures from self-righteous scolds who never created anything in their lives. There are no limits except the ones we set on ourselves. We can do and have what we want just like we always have. Unbridled American ingenuity will save the day just like it has in the past.

The sky is the only limit

Don’t buy the ‘sky is falling’ whining. Think there is a shortage of water? Bull crap! Two thirds of the earth is covered with the stuff and it’s miles deep. Think we are running out of oil? Bull crap again! We haven’t come close to exhausting the known reserves which continue to grow. We just won’t drill for it. Are we running out of electricity? Build some more power plants. The only limited resources that challenge us are the stunted brains of our worthless politicians. That is what we have elections for.

Go for it.  We’ll make more.

Want a fast car? A thirsty lawn? A cool house? Some more Doritos? Go for it. This is America and just like Jay says. “We can make more.”

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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5 Reasons to Embrace Jet Lag

 Posted by at 11:03  Up With
Feb 232015
 

Up with jet lag.

Jet Lag is the travelers best fried. Despite the complaints about how jet lag messes up your trip or your return, I’ve learned to embrace jet lag for what it is- the worlds best excuse for not doing anything you don’t want to do.

 

Jet Lag (album)

Jet Lag (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m enjoying jet lag as I write this. It’s our third day back and I’m still putting stuff away, chipping away at the bills and struggling to get back to the old routine. The trip was great. We were in beautiful places, going whatever we liked and best of all, I didn’t get robbed once. Still, all good things must come to an end and Monday we flew home on the worst of all possible schedules. We left at 10:30 in the morning and 24 hours later entered our front door at midnight. We were dead tired and groggy.

 

My wife and I behave differently on getting home. I crash. My wife cleans. No matter, both of us are seriously still seriously jet lagged and only now beginning to recover. I woke up early and went grocery shopping in a brief surge of energy. Then I crashed later, roused for dinner and crashed again. My wife has similar patterns although our schedules don’t coincide. It’s a bit odd but otherwise, as Hillery would say, ‘What difference does it make anyway?’

 

Relax and go with the flow. Jet lag is not life threatening. It is painless. And it hasn’t kept us from doing anything important so from our perspective, it’s no big thing. Life will return to normal accountability soon enough. For now, I’m enjoying the relief from responsibility that comes with jet lag. I’ve decided to stop complaining about it and embrace it fully. You might want to reappraise jet lag yourself at your earliest opportunity and to help you, I’ve compiled 5 reasons to embrace jet lag.

 

1. You made it home
2. Nobody will question what you do
3. It’s an excuse for almost anything
4. It distracts you from annoying real life problems
5. It’s over when you say it’s over.

 

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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