Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

Coot Lesson #3 – Polite is over rated!

Posted by Ralph at 18:17 Coot Law, Coots Lessons, principles

Jul 072014

Don’t be dense!

This should be pretty obvious if you have been following our lessons. Unfortunately these days most people are pretty dense and seem unable to follow a stream of logic so we are going to be very blunt. Polite is a synonym for lie. It is just that simple. If you choose to remain oblivious to simple truths, we can’t do anything about it. Human nature is pathetic. We continually ask people to tell us things that we know are untrue. If you have to ask your husband whether a dress makes you look fat, you already know the answer. “Of course it does!” So now the poor man has two bad choices. He can say yes which will make you hate him for confirming the truth or he can say no which will make you hate him for lying. Most husbands are taught to be polite and lie through their teeth and most wives delight in making it impossible for them to be honest. No wonder marriage is in trouble these days.

Stop being a mealy mouthed liar!

We always seek to be inoffensive which of course causes us to lie. “That was a great cup of coffee, Carol. Can I have a refill.” The coffee tastes like battery acid. It is luke warm and the cream is curdled. “I’d love another piece of that delicious cake, Mrs. Smith.” The cake in questions is lumpy and tasteless. Who wins with such behavior? The answer, of course is nobody. If you don’t set these people straight, they will continue to inflict their shoddy goods on other unsuspecting victims. If they believe you they will have your encouragement to do it. If they don’t believe you, they brand you either as a fool or liar.

Be straight at work!

You may think that we are singling out women here but men are just as inclined to this foolishness as women. It just attaches to different activities. When it gets into the workplace, it is even worse because we are expected to lie as a condition of employment. Your boss may be a fool but he is unlikely to keep paying you if you tell him. Imagine the chaos if you said what you were thinking. Is the customer always right? Of course not. Could you fix their problem and get them out of your face if they would just shut up and go away. Of course. Because we think that polite is important, we waste everybody’s time and make everybody upset. It is a darn nuisance.

You aren’t getting any younger you know !

Cut out the crap. Tell it straight. Stop the lies and stop pretending that polite isn’t a synonym for lying, You don’t have tine for games. Time is a wasting and nobody is getting any younger. Next time somebody expects you to waste your time and theirs with mealy mouthed and duplicitous politeness, just say no. Tell them the truth and lets get on with life.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Where has my cantankerosity gone?

Posted by Ralph at 18:17 Plain 'ol Cantankerous

Jul 072014

It’s embarrassing.

Image via Wikipedia

Here we are winding up a year that set records for making sow’s ears out of silk purses. The world is going to hell in a hand basket (yes I know this is a trite cliché but sometimes only a trite cliché can convey your meaning). What I’m trying to say here is that the only thing good about 2011 is that we are almost done with it.

I say good riddance.

But what I’m embarrassed about today is that I’ve lost the will to rant. Search as I might in my inner being, it’s just not there. It may be just the joy and happiness of the season washing away all that bitter acid. Possibly it’s that I’m just overwhelmed by peace and joy not to mention too much to eat. I’m at a loss to explain it. You see, I’ve never had this problem before. Ranting has been second nature, easy as falling off a log.

This year, it’s different.

I’m a weepy wuss. Getting that cloying Christmas update from Cousin Zach never overwhelmed me before. This year I actually thought his new grandson was cute and reading about his road trip to Cedar Rapids made me envious. Then there is the food. That extra piece of pie never overwhelmed my natural distrust of human nature. This year stuffing my face completely unnecessary high calorie treats isn’t just making me fat. Each piece of pie or glass of eggnog is turning me into more of a pussy cat.

It can’t be old age.

Heck I’ve been old for years. There is no way to deny it. Sometimes I can fool myself into forgetting it, if I stay away from mirrors and the arthritis goes quiet. It’s just not something you can hide. If old age were the reason, this would have happened years ago.

So on this final week of what has to be one of the worst years yet, I am full of the milk of human kindness and unable to think a negative thought about anybody. It’s a sorry state of affairs. Whatever the cause, I have hopes that 2012 will restore my life to its former state.

So that’s my resolve for 2012.

I aim to restore my natural distrust in the judgment of others and my honest and completely justified lack of faith in human nature. I think if I can just finish off the last of the holiday food and get the decorations put away, there is hope that I can begin the year in a suitably cantankerous frame of mind.

Meanwhile, while the Christmas spirit and food buzz still clouds my mind, I can’t help myself from wishing you all a happy and prosperous New Year.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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It’s Impossible to be Cantankerous in Brugge!

Posted by Ralph at 04:14 rants, Reflections

Jun 112014

Everyone is so darned nice.

It’s so darned quiet!

Cantankerous Old Coots don’t usually struggle to find something to complain about. These days there is always something wrong. Most everywhere you go people mess up, take shortcuts, don’t care about doing things right or just have low standards. Your only problem is where to start. Sometimes it is just different standards. There are places where crappy is considered just fine. I’m not going to name names here but you know what I mean. There are others where people make apologies and give excuses but still refuse to do things right when all it would take is a little extra effort. It is really hard in my experience to find a place where doing things right is not only expected, it is the practice. Continue reading »

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Down with Earth Day

Posted by Ralph at 17:02 Down with

Jun 022014

For 40 years we have listened to the messages of Earth Day. We have been harangued, nagged, lectured and even forced by nanny state legislation to be kind to our planet. We are told that our long-suffering planet just can’t take any more of human exploitation and manipulation. Its resources are depleted. Its resilience overwhelmed. Its climate is being changed. And it is all the fault of the greedy and self-serving human race.

Prophets of doom tell us that we are down to the wire. Our poor planet can’t take much more of humanity. We need to change our ways. Stop using our wasteful technology. Live simple lives. Grow our own healthy food. Power our vehicles with our own muscles. Stop traveling the world. They tell us that only by stepping back from our extravagant lifestyles and ever more aggressive technologies can we save our ravaged planet from disaster.

I’m not buying it any more. I’ve been nice. My car gets 26 mpg. I set my thermostat high in the summer and low in the winter and take the wrath of my long suffering wife in return. I separate the trash and keep track of which trash can to put out each week so that everything can be recycled. I am doing my part. What I don’t see is any reciprocation on the part of our planet. What’s up with that?

Just last week, our benevolent planet decided to shower the continent of Europe with dust from a huge volcanic eruption. The whole continent shut down air travel because the dust destroys the jet engines. That is just the start. This year has seen a series of tragic earthquakes devastating Haiti, Chile and China so far. I can’t wait until hurricane season. I know she has something good for us.

I’ve done my part to help the poor old mother earth. Others have done even more and what good has it done. Has our planet shown any appreciation for all our work? Not a bit. If anything, she is treating us worse than usual. I think it is time to stop all this silliness. If the planet is not going to appreciate all the effort we make to help her. If she insists on sending all these disasters to make our lives miserable then I say its is time to stop all this sucking up. Let’s give the unappreciative old girl a taste of her own medicine.

Tell the Earth Day acolytes to go stick it. No more recycling. No more conservation. Drill baby drill. Mine, baby mine. Let that technology go where no man has gone before. Let’s hit mother Earth where she lives and see how she likes it. Maybe a little tough love will teach her to mend her evil ways and treat us humans with a little consideration. We have certainly learned that treating her nice doesn’t work.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Down with Politicians redux- The Baby is Dead

Posted by Ralph at 17:02 Down with

Jun 022014

: Image by etgeek (Eric) via Flickr

But “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” . . . I will continue

to support my US Representative as he is effective and works for the

people of our district and in general.

The Baby is Dead

This comment from an old high school friend shows just what power politicians hold over us these days. We trust the bastards. We continue to believe that they are real people just like you and me and that they hold real American values. That is the baby they keep reminding us about. “Don’t throw that baby out just because the bath water is beginning to stink. They never show us that baby which we imagine as the happy Gerber baby we grew up with. They only talk about the baby and hope we won’t ask to see it and how well it is doing. They won’t show us the baby because the Baby is dead. He died years ago from bathing in the toxic swamps of our capitols. At best they show us a blanket swaddled lump. If they ever showed us what is left of the baby we would kick them into the next millennium because what is left of the baby is a mummified horror like Anthony Perkin’s mother in Psycho.

How long can you live in the Swamp before you get Swamp Fever?

We are in absolute denial about the toxic swamp our politicians inhabit. We know that our elected officials are pure and honorable patriots that are defending us and our rights against the evils of the world. Maybe they are. Maybe they used to be exactly what we think they are- good Americans but living in a toxic swamp is bound to affect their perspective. How long does it take before the world of politics becomes their reality and our lives a ridiculous fantasy? One term? Two terms?

The morality of Mustang Ranch

Imagine that you have a healthy, intelligent and honorable son who has just finished Middle School. You want the best for him and so for his high school years you send him to boarding school. You select a highly regarded prep school and pack him off to become one of the country’s best and brightest. Then let’s say that this highly regarded prep school has embraced a new teaching philosophy and the faculty is replaced with the staff of the Mustang Ranch. You may have instilled the highest of values and great personal integrity in your son. How long do you think those values will survive the school environment? How will you explain your son’s career choice to become a pimp. Because you know what a fine young man you raised, you will go to outlandish extremes to explain that your son is dedicated to helping young ladies. You certainly wouldn’t want to throw out the baby (your honorable son) with the bathwater (the appearance of depravity).

Save your politician from the swamp. Vote him out!

So when that sincere politician tells you not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, ask him to show you that baby. You have to save him from himself. He went into the swamp at your direction. If the swamp turned him to the dark side, it was while trying to serve you. Now, before the damage becomes too ingrained to change, it is up to you to pull him out and save him from the monster he will become if he stays. It is too late to save the baby but maybe you can still save your politician. Vote him out.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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