Hello all of you lovely people. I am not going to say too much, watch the *ugh* video…The audio only version is still available, I am not giving up completely.
The Video is here: (Click more at the bottom for the show notes)
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This past weekend I took the family camping and fishing for my daughters birthday. It was her idea by the way. We drove down to the middle of Utah to a great lake and caught a ton of fish.
What I noticed is that on the way back there was lots of empty space…in the dark at least. Plenty of stuff in the day. What I really noticed is, even on the freeway, it was dark. Cars passing on both sides of us because a minivan with a tent trailer has to be slow right? 70 mph not quite enough for you jackasses is it? Anyway, there were islands of light along side of the freeway that rose out of the darkness like the moon coming over the mountain. Which was happening at the same time but irrelevant to the story.
The island of light was, you guessed it, a Wal-Mart surrounded by several smaller stores all seeming to be sycophants to the great and powerful Oz, er Wal-Mart. My wife said, “We are OK now, there is a Wal-Mart.” I chuckled and we drove on. Another 10 minutes or so (again still at 70 mph and getting passed) another Wal-Mart rose out of the stygian night. I said, “We must be back close to civilization, there is another Wal-Mart.”
That was the joke now as we passed two more before hitting Provo, the first big city on our way back to Salt Lake. After that there were more Wal-Marts and we already knew where they all are in the valley. We finally made it home and speculated that we may have to hit a couple of those Wal-Marts in the future. (Not a joke, when we didn’t have kids (and a couple times with the kids) we drove the two hours up to Evanston, Wyoming just for fun. We would have pizza at the Shakey’s and then go to Wal-Mart because there wasn’t much else to do. Now it is a joke to stop at a new Wal-Mart. And no, they are not all the same. Why just last year we stopped at the one in Price, Ut………)
I think the “old” part of Cantankerous Old Coots is coming out, I am rambling. I just want to know exactly when Wal-Mart became synonymous with civilization….Any thoughts as we go into the weekend?
(I just realized that Wal-Mart should be kicking back some advertising every time I mentioned Wal-Mart in this post. If I got a nickel for every one, I would have .65 cents…enough for a candy bar at Walmart. Oh, that makes .70 cents.)
Yes ladies and gents, it is finally here, the time we have all been waiting anxiously for, the best holiday of the year, Black Friday! Holy cow can you believe that Black Friday 2011 is here?!? I am so excited I could almost pee myself.
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I don’t care about anything else today, it is Black Friday and I am going to get some Christmas presents or die trying. I want to end up in the hospital with a broken bone or two because I had to fight that one guy for the last Barbie Dream house at Toys R Us. I want to shed blood in the pursuit of the commercial aspect of Christmas.
Christmas is now relegated to my third favorite holiday behind (in order) Black Friday and then Halloween. I can’t believe that Christmas has hung on this long as the most popular holiday when Black Friday has been here for so long. I am so going to throw away any part of the Christmas holiday that has to do with the Savior because, let’s face it, He isn’t going to be having any doorbusters right on the heels of Black Friday Eve, previously known as Thanksgiving.
Greed and violence seem to mark Black Friday and what two aspects of a holiday could be better together. If you aren’t standing in line waiting to leave with your $5 DVD player then you are watching your cart like a hawk to make sure that shifty looking guy in the black hat isn’t going to take it out of your cart.
Maybe we should curb some of the greedy grabbing that goes on by requiring everyone who is serious about shopping on this most glorious of holidays to carry a gun. Sure some people are going to get shot, but that is the price you pay for stealing out of other people’s carts. And because you are celebrating a holiday you can claim it was religious insanity and get off the hook for the shooting because the Judge would rather be out celebrating as well.
So folks, here is what you need to do. Forget all about being nice. Forget all about the “reason for the season.” Focus on the gifts. Aunt Mary really needs that 5 pound tub of popcorn. Cousin Jim will love the Old Spice sampler pack. Mom will be thrilled with a novelty frying pan packed with a candle that sort of smells like Paula Deen. Wait, that is a Paula Deen branded novelty frying pan with a candle that smells like pie. And of course don’t forget Dad, that summer sausage and cutting board set is just calling his name.
Then there are the kids. If you watch tv long enough you will find all of the things that you need to go out and but immediately. Ignore anyone who says “Make your gifts” or anyone who mentions anything religious. Your new religion is Black Fridayism.
My Mother in law joined us for Thanksgiving yesterday and she had to leave before pie time because she had to join the cult of Black Friday. People heading to Wal-mart right after dinner to get a few bucks off of toys are the real winners, the clergy of the Church of the Black Friday.
Let Black Friday take you places. You will submit. You are joining a cult. You are wandering down a long, deserted road. There is a sign post up ahead. Next stop, the Black Friday zone.
You have been warned. Go buy some meaningless presents and convince the family that it really was the thought that counts.
See you next week.
-Justin
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Hello there! Well folks, Bob has corrupted me. I broke down and recorded a video. Yes it has problems, but there it is! if you want just the audio, I have that as well. Enjoy the podcasts and the weekend! Happy Labor Day!
Video is first!
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That’s right there is a nice big ball here at the coots site, and I dropped it yet again. And, if you believe Ralph, he wasn’t there to pick it up and be the big hero. But if it wasn’t for him…blah blah blah. I meant to post this on Tuesday of this week. I am writing it before the results of Ralph’s poll by the way.
So the reason for this post is to announce the topic that we will be writing on for next week, may 9-13. Wow I get Friday the 13th and writing about……The Dread of Summer! I have to say I am a little disappointed with the results of that poll, there were only 2 votes cast! 2! And I am fairly sure they were both cast by Ralph.
Nope looks like Hansi and Ralph. So I guess I should say, Thank You to Hansi for choosing this months topic. He will be filling Tuesday the 10th with his own cantankerousness about The Dread Of Summer. Thanks Hansi!
The poll for June should be up but is having issues, it will be up as soon as I can get it working. That poll will run through Memorial Day and ready for posts June 6-10.
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