Coots News Service- CNS- for January 30, 2011

The word for this week is Feelings.

You know about feelings don’t you?

Our readers my not know what a tight ship Justin runs here at Coots. Lowly hacks like me and Bob get crushed under the heel of Justin’s big plans for world domination. I know he puts out the impression of a mild mannered, stay-at-home Dad-all sweetness and light -but there is a dark side to to Justin. His newest inspiration is that we have a theme each week to vent our spleens or maybe bladders on. And believe me when Justin wants something, you don’t get in his way. You have to pity those poor kids of his. Anyway the idea is that our faithful readers will vote on the topic of the week. Between you and me, I think this is hopeless. From what I can tell, our readers are too pussified to venture an opinion. I figure that reading Coot’s is the only relief they have from their humdrum lives but they don’t have the nerve to let anyone know that they have such poor judgment and taste by leaving a comment. That is fine by me but Justin is quite another story. He gets pissed – and when Justin gets pissed, you don’t want to be anywhere nearby.

“If they won’t comment.” says Justin, “Then I will just track them down and expose them publicly as Coot’s readers.”

Talk about hurt feelings! So be afraid, Coot’s readers, be very afraid. My feelings aren’t hurt!.   It’s no skin off my nose but between you and me, things will be mellower here at Coot’s if we can keep Justin happy, so for your own good and mine, leave a comment with a suggestion for next week, or just answer his damn survey. And don’t forget, you can still get credit from COCU when you comment telling which story you least needed to hear. Five responses gets you credit for the first COCU course. Now, get to work!

Lancaster Mayor Wants To Broadcast Bird Songs

If you have never been to idyllic Lancaster California then you may not appreciate how important a little pleasant diversion might be to residents of that dismal town. Southern California is full of delightful cities all of which are over-packed with the rich and famous. It is also full of cities located in ugly and inhospitable environments whose only excuse for existence is the mere two hour commute to LA. Lancaster is one of those cities and kudos to the Mayor who wants to lighten the harsh environment with delightful bird sounds. The man deserves a medal. He has feelings.

Will there be a chocolate drought? World’s supply of sustainable cocoa could run out by 2014

Everybody loves chocolate, especially with Valentine’s Day coming up. Nothing stirs up the feelings like chocolate. And now on the verge of Valentines Day we hear that the world could run out of chocolate by 2014. Quelle horreur! But wait! No, we are not running our of chocolate, we are running our of sustainable chocolate.   This suggests that we will have plenty of unsustainable chocolate. It also suggests that someone is playing games here, If we run our of sustainable chocolate then it wasn’t sustainable in the first place. Now I’m getting upset and that’s not the feeling we are looking for today. I’m going to look for a soothing cup of non-sustainable cocoa and take a time out.

Dallas Police Officer Charged With Stealing From Crime Stoppers

My head is reeling!  I am filled with feeling.  I’m a poet and don’t know it.  Don’t you just love those crime tip lines. I feel good every time one of the tips solves a crime. It turns out that some cops feel good about these tips too. Like this Dallas cop. She is not feeling so good after being arrested for diverting $250,000 of tip money into her personal account. You just gotta love those clever cash cow cops.

Wayne superintendent’s $1M retirement package creates storm

This Michigan educator is feeling good these days with a big retirement package after his fifteen year career ended. Surely the public understands that this is a small price to pay for the high quality education delivered these days. Apparently locals don’t agree.  What does this do for your feelings?

Text message blows up suicide bomber by accident

Even terrorists have feelings as this tragic story from Russia shows. The lovely wife of a jailed terrorist was intending to blow up a populated locale in Moscow on New Years Eve- perhaps just to feel connected to her jailed hubby. Sadly, one of her comrades had feeling too and sent her a text message with New Years wishes on the cell phone intended to detonate her bomb when she reached her target. She was still in the safe house. She could not be reached for comment.

TSA shuts door on private airport screening program

Talk about hurt Feelings!  Travelers may have feelings about being felt up by the friendly Government employees that make up the TSA but so what. Like any good government bureaucracy, the TSA has feelings too, And they are not about to have their good monopoly threatened. “NO MORE PRIVATE SCREENINGS” say the friendly government officials from Homeland Security.

But on Friday, the TSA denied an application by Springfield-Branson Airport in Missouri to privatize its checkpoint workforce, and in a statement, Pistole indicated other applications likewise will be denied.

“I examined the contractor screening program and decided not to expand the program beyond the current 16 airports as I do not see any clear or substantial advantage to do so at this time,” Pistole said.

Certainly there is no substantial advantage to government bureaucrats at having any competition and we all know that that is all that matters.

Charlie Sheen Enters Rehab

And finally, who can’t feel for the hapless Charlie Sheen and the even more hapless people who depend on him for their living. How would you like to be a cast member of his show, or worse the producers. Most of all I feel sorry for the losers that don’t have any more of a life than to watch his show. They are probably the same losers you see driving on the wrong side of the road that still have Obama stickers on their cars.

Now, make Justin happy and leave a comment.  Don’t make him mad.