Apr 022014
 

I witnessed a phenomenon in Wal-Mart tonight.  Maybe it was just Wal-Mart but there was a lady (term loosely used entirely based on gender and not the language) who was walking with a cart full of kids down the main aisle.  A guy with a couple of kids himself came out from a crossing aisle in front of her.  He said “Oh Sorry” as he got out of her way.  She replied with a few explicatives and “Fine just run over me!”

Now, you may be wondering what cantankerous lesson this could yield.  Well it is not the attitude of the woman, entirely.  She was what Ralph has referred to as an Angry Old Fart in this post. Now, what the man did was not cantankerous.  It was not even, well, very manly.

He meekly said, “I didn’t.” to the womans back as she was stalking away.  Now, the cantankerousness is available.  It should be used.  This situation left the woman, who was in the wrong (not by being a woman but by being a pain in the ass) with a feeling of superiority and self satisfaction.

I felt sorry for the guy and if I would have had a coots business card I would have given him the first 5 lessons at Coots University for free(it’s called foreshadowing kids, look it up), just to help this poor guy get his balls back from his wifes purse and be a man damnit!

I believe the correct response should have been something along the lines of, “You didn’t mind it last night!” or “Watch where you’re driving that stupid shopping cart you cow!”  Or even just “Same to you!” followed by a rude gesture or explosion of flatulence.

We are getting way too pacified people!  We let those few who think they are in charge brow beat the rest of us into giving in.  We let the medical community push us around under pretenses of patient confidentiality when it is all just a sham.  Why should people get away with being rude in any store when someone apologizes.

Sure, if you shop at all, there will be a moment when you step in front of someone or cut someone off or even walk out of an aisle too fast and nearly hit someone.  A polite “excuse me” or “sorry” should be sufficient to not make a federal case out of it.  Of course, there are those who want to push.

To them you can only respond with a “Same to you!” or “The sun seems to be going down would you mind bending over seeings as how the light shines from your ass?”

Take a stand.  Be a real person and not one of the faceless automatons who gives in to people who are louder or are seemingly more forceful.  Don’t just do what the nancy boys over in legal tell you you must do.  A coot says what he or she thinks.  A coot sticks to that.  Like we have said before, a true Coot will give the deserving party the Mapquest directions straight to Hell without passing go.

Quit being a ninny.

Watch for a huge, large, big, fantastic, stupendous, unprecedented announcement concerning this  site.  Stay tuned for more.

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Feb 022012
 
Fotografía tomada en Brunete, Madrid, España.
Image via Wikipedia

Don’t waste your time

One of the benefits when you are a cantankerous old coot is the time you save. People can be so demanding – especially friends. They have to know everything. How are you doing. What are you thinking. And, of course, the ever popular How are you feeling? They really don’t care about any of that. What they do care about is being known as the kind of person who cares. They will go to any length and waste any amount of your time just to make sure that you (and everybody else) know that. What a waste of your time and energy. Today’s lesson will teach you how to take control of your time by not answering questions. You have an important mission. It is your life and it isn’t a team project or a collaboration. Anything that is important to share, you will share when and how you think is right. And when is never after someone asks you a question. Don’t pause. Don’t ponder. Just keep moving.

Don’t  explain yourself!

You are in charge of your life. You don’t owe anyone a response. You don’t have time to spend explaining yourself or your actions to anybody. We get hung up today because society expects niceties like answering your friends questions and explaining what you are doing and thinking. As a result we end up being pressured into wasting our time. Being a pushover never made anyone like you. Being a Coot lets you drop all the pretense. There is no need to explain yourself. There is no need to respond. Friends will understand. After all you are a Coot. You have your own drummer to march to and your friends will respect that. Sheep love to follow – even over a cliff.

Don’t argue!

Another reason not to respond is that people will argue with you. They either want to change your mind or understand your thinking. Either way you don’t give a rip and besides you don’t have time to waste. When you get a question it is like someone has thrown you a baseball, They gave you the ball. Just keep it. There is no need to throw it back. So long as you keep it you control the game. Take the ball and go home.

Don’t seek their approval.

They don’t have anything you want. You don’t need or want them to give you a thumbs up. Who are they to tell you what to do? You aren’t seeking to be chosen Miss Congeniality. You aren’t needy and you aren’t indecisive. You know what you are doing and even if you don’t, there is nothing gained by sharing that with anyone else. So when your friends, neighbors, coworkers, family want to know what is going on, don’t get sidetracked into explanations or arguments. Just keep on with what you are doing. Tell them what they can do if they want to help then keep moving. Let them make up their own reasons if they decide to help. Otherwise just leave them wondering about what you are doing and what is important. And they will be sure to understand that whatever you are doing is more important than anything in their trivial lives.

Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Jan 252012
 

I like a little Canadian show called “The Red Green Show“.  It is about a bunch of older guys who are just going through life with duct tape.  Check it out on PBS sometime.  The reason I bring this up is the basis for this lesson.  The men on this show belong to the Possum Lodge and while their motto is “Quando Omni Flunkus Moritai” meaning “When all else fails play dead” they begin each meeting with the mans prayer.

“I’m a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.”  Lets face it, most people associate Cantankerous Old coots with Men.  There are women too, don’t start sending me emails about equality and all of that BS, but the first thing that pops into most people’s minds are old cranky men.

I am a man, Ralph is a man and Bob is a real man’s man.  We all exhibit levels of Cantankerousity that ebb and flow with the day.  We can take a subject and jump all over it, reach down its throat and turn it inside out and return the bloody carcass to the owner.  Or not.  It just depends.

That is today’s lesson.  While discretion may be the better part of valor, the laws of cantankerosity demand immediate action.  They demand saying what you feel, (link to lesson 4), letting it show on your face (link to lesson 5), and not giving a rats ass about it (link to lesson 13).

The law also demands that you be able to change.  Note that I didn’t say willing.  If you are willing to change you become one of those namby pamby nancy boys from accounting.  You must only be able to change.  If you have to. I guess.

You will find that in life there are a number of things to take sides on.  Coming up next month are the midterm elections.  There every red blooded American has the duty to go cast a vote for whoever spends the most money on campaign advertising.  Make that cast a vote for whoever convinces you that they will lie the least when in office.

Bob has already weighed in with his voting strategy saying:

Next month’s voting strategy…if you are in, you’re out.

Short, sweet, simple.

Is that the right attitude to have?  Probably.  Bob has a position.  He is taking a stand and being true to his Cantankerous self.  Yet if one of those currently elected officials headed out to the JuicyMaters(.com) headquarters offering huge tax breaks or cash for his vote (never mind the legality here) Bob has to be able to change his mind.  Or not.

Now I am not saying that you should be so wishy washy that it is hard to figure out just which side you are on (see President Obama during the last election).  Figure out where you want to be and work your damndest to end up there.  If there is a good reason to change, however, do it.  And if people give you crap about it, you can really wax Cantankerous on their asses.

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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