Jun 022014
 

Yes ladies and gents, it is finally here, the time we have all been waiting anxiously for, the best holiday of the year, Black Friday!  Holy cow can you believe that Black Friday 2011 is here?!?  I am so excited I could almost pee myself.

Black Friday at May 9th 1873 at the Vienna sto...

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I don’t care about anything else today, it is Black Friday and I am going to get some Christmas presents or die trying.  I want to end up in the hospital with a broken bone or two because I had to fight that one guy for the last Barbie Dream house at Toys R Us.  I want to shed blood in the pursuit of the commercial aspect of Christmas.

Christmas is now relegated to my third favorite holiday behind (in order) Black Friday and then Halloween.  I can’t believe that Christmas has hung on this long as the most popular holiday when Black Friday has been here for so long.  I am so going to throw away any part of the Christmas holiday that has to do with the Savior because, let’s face it, He isn’t going to be having any doorbusters right on the heels of Black Friday Eve, previously known as Thanksgiving.

Greed and violence seem to mark Black Friday and what two aspects of a holiday could be better together.  If you aren’t standing in line waiting to leave with your $5 DVD player then you are watching your cart like a hawk to make sure that shifty looking guy in the black hat isn’t going to take it out of your cart.

Maybe we should curb some of the greedy grabbing that goes on by requiring everyone who is serious about shopping on this most glorious of holidays to carry a gun.  Sure some people are going to get shot, but that is the price you pay for stealing out of other people’s carts.   And because you are celebrating a holiday you can claim it was religious insanity and get off the hook for the shooting because the Judge would rather be out celebrating as well.

So folks, here is what you need to do.  Forget all about being nice.  Forget all about the “reason for the season.”  Focus on the gifts.  Aunt Mary really needs that 5 pound tub of popcorn.  Cousin Jim will love the Old Spice sampler pack.  Mom will be thrilled with a novelty frying pan packed with a candle that sort of smells like Paula Deen.  Wait, that is a Paula Deen branded novelty frying pan with a candle that smells like pie.  And of course don’t forget Dad, that summer sausage and cutting board set is just calling his name.

Then there are the kids.  If you watch tv long enough you will find all of the things that you need to go out and but immediately.  Ignore anyone who says “Make your gifts” or anyone who mentions anything religious.  Your new religion is Black Fridayism.

My Mother in law joined us for Thanksgiving yesterday and she had to leave before pie time because she had to join the cult of Black Friday.  People heading to Wal-mart right after dinner to get a few bucks off of toys are the real winners, the clergy of the Church of the Black Friday.

Let Black Friday take you places.  You will submit.  You are joining a cult.  You are wandering down a long, deserted road.  There is a sign post up ahead.  Next stop, the Black Friday zone.

You have been warned.  Go buy some meaningless presents and convince the family that it really was the thought that counts.

See you next week.

-Justin

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Sep 202012
 

Hello out there!  I hope that you are having a great Saturday today and the rest of the weekend is looking up.

Today’s question comes to us from “Jane” in Phoenix, AZ.  I do have to apologize to Bob for not getting this question to him sooner, he will have to have a cantankerous response in the comments.

“Jane” writes,

“Dear Cantankerous old Coots,  I just read your Friday column about Black Friday and I had to ask a question.  I just got back from a madcap day of shopping and spending way too much time and money for way too little items to hold.  I have seen that Bob likes to make his gifts and Justin will be doing similar things, so when is the right time to say goodbye to the shopping and spending hamster wheel and give homeade items?  And, If I give homeade stuff, will my family be mad that I didn’t spend money on them?  Just wondering, “Jane”.”

Well “Jane” as usual this is not a question that is easily answered.  Bob will probably have a better take on it in the comments.  I for one like to spend money on my kids.  I like to give them toys.  I like to give fun things for Christmas.  But, the past couple of years there has been so many toys that they don’t care about at the end of the season that we are scaling back.  We are having each of the kids make presents for their siblings instead of picking up the first thing that they see in the store that is in thier price range.  They are very excited about it.  As for other family members, (extended) it just gets to be a silly hassle trying to find gifts.  My parents don’t need anything, I don’t have the money to buy all of my nephews presents as well as my sisters so they get a family gift.  And this year family gifts are baked.  We are going to make cookies (from Bob’s shortbread recipie check it out at juicy maters.com) and these cookies will also be given to the neighbors for the holiday on fancy paper plates.  We may even spring for some colored plastic wrap but it is not likely.  So if the family doesn’t like the fact you are not going to spend money on them tough.  Maybe you should have that talk with them now, the we can’t afford much, let’s just do family presents talk.  That should help.  if not, screw ’em. –Justin

Ralph chimes in:

Dear Jane,

As you think about making your own Christmas gifts, I suggest that you keep this in mind.  When was the last time you received a homemade gift and how did it make you feel.  For me, it brings back all the Christmas gifts my kids made for me over the years.  Were they great gifts?  I have to say no.  Did I use them?  I have to say no.  Did I like them?  I have to say no.  What I can say is that I pretended to like and use them because I loved my kids.  So my advice to you as you consider giving something homemade for Christmas is that you ask yourself if the recipient will love the gift because it is you that is giving it.  If you have a speicial relationship then it won’t matter what you give and homemade is ok.  Otherwise, I suggest going to the store.

Ralph

Thanks for the question “Jane”!  If you have a question that you would like a cantankerous take on email us at askacoot@cantanerousoldcoots.com or leave it in the contact form to the right.  Thanks for reading!

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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Nov 272011
 
Really Really Big Man

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Some news is important!

It takes a big man to admit he is wrong and all three of us Coots are not petite. So today I’m just going to say that last week, I was wrong. You can’t just ignore the news because once in a while there is a story that matters in your life and that you can do something about. And that is what the news stories for today reveal.

After last week’s snit, faithful readers might be wondering what to expect from the Coot’s News Service this week. I laid it on pretty thick and pretty much sawed through the tree limb I was perched on. I stopped sawing just in time. But still, after all that fuss about the irrelevance of news how can the Coot’s continue to provide this service.

Well the answer is another opportunity to clarify the benefits of cantankerosity. Being consistent is another of those traps of conventional thinking that mess people up. Cantankerosity is never having to be sorry about changing your mind. This needs expounding in a Coot’s lesson but for now take it on faith that it takes a big man to admit when he is wrong. And last week I was very wrong because every so often, there is news that matters and news that each person can do something about.

Black Friday 2011: Holiday shoppers hit stores, with a Thanksgiving head start

The news stories this week are about the evil cancer of Black Friday eating our national holiday- Thanksgiving. Apparently nothing is more sacred than saving a few bucks on that big screen TV, not even a family holiday dinner. And retailers will stop at nothing to take your money.

Shoppers in Sacramento, across U.S. turn back the clock in bargain hunt

So what can you do to quash this diabolical threat to family life in America? Stay home on Thanksgiving and plan your holiday to eliminate any need to shop. As Justin has pointed out, there are bargains available on line so you can satisfy the shopping urge and look for deals from your home between courses or at half-time. Maintain the sanctity of your holidays and allow retail employees to enjoy the holiday as well. The Coot’s recommend Amazon for convenience, great selection and fantastic deals and encourage readers to use our link which helps keep this blog going.

It’s all over for this year but early reports suggest that retailers were encouraged by the sales on Thanksgiving. Make a resolution to avoid retailers that were open on Thanksgiving and shop on-line instead.

And now that Thanksgiving is finally over, lets move on to the next holiday.

 

 



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Ralph

Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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Sep 252011
 

Hello folks.  Today marks the first installment of our Ask A Coot segment!  To submit questions, use the form over on the side of this page or use askacoot@cantankerousoldcoots.com.  Today’s question comes from “Rachael” (names have been changed to protect real identities) in Grand Rapids, MI.

“Rachael” writes: “Dear Cantankerous Old Coots, Long time reader, first time writer. I was at the store on November 1st when I saw Christmas items for sale while the Halloween stuff was just being pulled off of the shelf and the Thanksgiving stuff was being put on clearance. What do you think of that?”

Now in order to get a proper Cantankerous response from your favorite coot, we are all going to respond, independently and then debate in the comments.

Bob answers Rachael’s question with:

“Frankly, I’ve quit shopping anywhere that puts out Christmas stuff before Halloween, and I’ve mostly quit buying Christmas stuff at stores that put it out before Thanksgiving. That means my shopping locations are limited, so I make most presents I give, mostly baked goods like cookies, pies, and cakes.

One of these days I’m going to walk down the baking aisle at Kroger and the sugar is gonna be on a Christmas sale before Thanksgiving…then I’ll have to sharpen my pocketknife and learn to whittle Christmas presents.”

Ralph chimes in with: ”

Dear Long time reader,

You describe a situation that I find very frustrating as well – the stores seem to have a completely different t holiday schedule than I do.  Clearly there is something going on here but it isn’t so clear to this coot what it is.  I think that perhaps there is some kind of evil plan at work to encourage us to buy more, whether from confusion about what holiday is up next or our eagerness to find a bargain.  I think it is really a big game of chicken.  They want their holiday goods up early so that anal compulsive people will stock up.  Then they wait as long as they can hoping that people will get excited about holiday shopping and buy it all.  Then as the holiday approaches, they start gaming us.  They want to clear their shelves so they are willing to cut prices but they wait as long as they can.  Customers are on to this game and so  savvy shoppers wait for the pre-holiday sales.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  If they economy is good,  the stores don’t have to start their sales early.  When they economy is as bad as it is today those sales start right away and escalate.

This coot refuses to play the game any more.  Unfortunately this means that when I want to buy Christmas stuff the week before Christmas, it’s already on clearance and the choices are limited.  The best solution I have come up with is that I buy whatever they are selling when I want to buy.  This, of course means that my Christmas presents are Valentines and our trick-or-treaters get toy turkeys but  somehow it all works out. Those stores won’t get the best of me!

My advice is for you to follow my example and block out all that store propaganda and keep you own holiday schedule like this coot.

Sincerely,

Ralph”

And Justin finishes up with: “Dear Rachael, as much as it pains me to say it, this is just the world we must live in now.  I miss the days of seasons to the stores.  When the Fourth of July stuff came out in late June, Back to school sales were Mid august, and you never saw a pumpkin before October 10th.  In those days Thanksgiving was important.  People looked forward to the kick off of Christmas season when Santa Claus waved from the back of the Macy’s parade.

Now, we are just filled with money grubbing Christmas pimps who want to get as much money as they can.  Sure you could call that capitalism and in a way it is, but there should be a freaking law.  My wife wants to put up the Christmas tree this weekend, before Thanksgiving and it hurts my head.  Literally.

It is very hard to have any season.  But until I am in charge (sometime about 14 years after Hell freezes solid) we will have holiday’s early so that the stores can grub all of the cash that they can.  Pretty soon it will be Christmas all year round with a small section of shelf dedicated to the holiday at hand.  And when we fail to spend all of the money that they expect for each little holiday it will dissappear and it will be Christmas all year long.

I am fairly certain that other religions would revolt at that time and boycott.  Hopefully that will solve the problem but it may not.  Be prepared to take matters into your own hands, don’t shop at those stores who have such a need to pimp Christmas for their own gain.  Do your kids a favor and make them something for Christmas this year.

And for the love of all that is Holy and Right, do not give them cash.  They will only be spending it on Labor day merch 2 days after Christmas.

Go forth and revolt, you can build some cool things.

-Justin”

I hope you enjoyed this first question from the Cantankerous Old Coots advice department.  Please send us more!  askacoot@cantankerousoldcoots.com

The comments are open below….we want to know what you think of this feature and of our first question.  Leave a comment below and put this out on all of the social networks you can before your eyes start bleeding.  Me, I am going to play some flag football.

Justin

Justin is the young Coot with a Cantankerous Soul who continues to be educated by older, more cootish Ralph and Bob. His Cantankerosity is his own.

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