Well, apparently Osama bin Laden is dead, and this is a good thing. As much as I get on Obama’s ass on just about everything he does, I’ve got to give him props for the “kill, don’t capture” order he gave when approving the operation that last week resulted in bin Laden sleeping with the fishes.

With that said, I must say that the government, as usual, took far longer than was necessary to kill the SOB, and spent a crap load more money, our money, than they needed to.

I guess it’s just a Washington, DC thing, but the government is always fixing things with long, drawn out, complicated, and expensive solutions, when there is a quicker, easier, and cheaper way to accomplish the same thing.

10 years ago, when President Bush said he wanted bin Laden’s head on a platter, he should have come and asked me how to do it. I said then, and I repeat today, I knew how to kill bin Laden in less than a week, and for under $10,000.

Before you dismiss that claim out of hand, remember I live in the foothills of the southern Appalachians, and many of my neighbors are folks that most of America believe only exist in movies like “Deliverance”.

I’ve got news for you people. Those folks do exist, and for the most part they are pretty nice people… right up until you piss them off. Once you make ‘em mad they will open up a giant can of whup ass on you like you have never seen.

To kill bin Laden on the cheap all that would’ve been necessary would be to get 4-5 of these good ol’ boys around here together, cracked open a cooler full of Budweiser, and get a good ol’ fashioned bullshit session going, and let the conversations slowly work its way around to deer hunting. At some point one of the boys, probably the one who has sucked down the most Budweiser so far, is gonna start bragging about his tracking skills.

Bingo. You’ve got your hook.

“Bubba, you can’t track your way out of a paper bag. Steve over there can out track you any day of the week, and besides…once you track something you have to be able to kill it, and you couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with an open choke shotgun, much less a deer at 500 yards with a rifle.”

That’s going to generate a half-hour long argument about tracking and shooting skills, with each claim, and the story that goes with it, getting bigger and bigger.

All that’s left is to reel ‘em in.

“Bubba, if you think you’re such a great tracker, and since you seem to think you can shoot the eye out of a fly at 1000 yards, I’m gonna call you on you shit. Not only do I think you’re lousy at tracking deer, I don’t even think you could track a clumsy human being. The president says we’re gonna kill this bin Laden guy, and it’s a good thing we’ve got them there Green Berets, ‘cause you couldn’t even find the right country, much less find bin Laden hisself.”

Once again, you’ve got a good argument started. There would be lots of back and forth about who could actually find the right country AND find bin Laden himself.

At this point you have five or six good ol’ boys, all of whom are actually great trackers and super accurate marksman, all fired up about who is best. Now, you need to understand something. Folks down here in Appalachia are as patriotic as anybody in this country, BUT they are not totally convinced that the twin towers and NYC are really part of the United States. They sort of look at New York City like they do at Canada, Mexico, and Berkeley,CA…attached to, but not really a part of, the United States. You need to push them just a little bit more to get them jumping up and down, fired up and ready to go prove their hunting skills with bin Laden as their target.

These boys down here are mostly whore-hounds the likes of which you have never seen. Most of them would have sex with a rattlesnake if somebody would hold its head. When it comes to family though, all of their immediate female relatives, including their mommas, are virgins, and these good ol’ boys are real, REAL protective. You just need to give them one more piece of a “information” to set them off on a trip to the Middle East.

“hey guys? You know that bin Laden fella? Well, besides knocking down the World Trade Center, and besides killing about 3000 of our fellow Americans, and besides just being a general, all around piece of pond scum, he’s done something else y’all might not like.

“He’s been sneaking over here for the last couple of years, screwing all of your sisters.”

Bin Laden is toast within 10 days, all for the cost of 5-6 plane tickets.

Hell…they’d even buy their own bullets.

 

Related articles

• New at Reason: Steve Chapman on Osama Bin Laden, Torture, and the War on Terror (reason.com)
• Remainder bin Laden (logarchism.com)
• Pakistan PM: ‘We Did Not Hide Bin Laden’ (news.sky.com)
• You: Bin Laden’s Yemeni widow to be repatriated: Pak diplomat (nation.com.pk)