Yes ladies and gents, it is finally here, the time we have all been waiting anxiously for, the best holiday of the year, Black Friday! Holy cow can you believe that Black Friday 2011 is here?!? I am so excited I could almost pee myself.
I don’t care about anything else today, it is Black Friday and I am going to get some Christmas presents or die trying. I want to end up in the hospital with a broken bone or two because I had to fight that one guy for the last Barbie Dream house at Toys R Us. I want to shed blood in the pursuit of the commercial aspect of Christmas.
Christmas is now relegated to my third favorite holiday behind (in order) Black Friday and then Halloween. I can’t believe that Christmas has hung on this long as the most popular holiday when Black Friday has been here for so long. I am so going to throw away any part of the Christmas holiday that has to do with the Savior because, let’s face it, He isn’t going to be having any doorbusters right on the heels of Black Friday Eve, previously known as Thanksgiving.
Greed and violence seem to mark Black Friday and what two aspects of a holiday could be better together. If you aren’t standing in line waiting to leave with your $5 DVD player then you are watching your cart like a hawk to make sure that shifty looking guy in the black hat isn’t going to take it out of your cart.
Maybe we should curb some of the greedy grabbing that goes on by requiring everyone who is serious about shopping on this most glorious of holidays to carry a gun. Sure some people are going to get shot, but that is the price you pay for stealing out of other people’s carts. And because you are celebrating a holiday you can claim it was religious insanity and get off the hook for the shooting because the Judge would rather be out celebrating as well.
So folks, here is what you need to do. Forget all about being nice. Forget all about the “reason for the season.” Focus on the gifts. Aunt Mary really needs that 5 pound tub of popcorn. Cousin Jim will love the Old Spice sampler pack. Mom will be thrilled with a novelty frying pan packed with a candle that sort of smells like Paula Deen. Wait, that is a Paula Deen branded novelty frying pan with a candle that smells like pie. And of course don’t forget Dad, that summer sausage and cutting board set is just calling his name.
Then there are the kids. If you watch tv long enough you will find all of the things that you need to go out and but immediately. Ignore anyone who says “Make your gifts” or anyone who mentions anything religious. Your new religion is Black Fridayism.
My Mother in law joined us for Thanksgiving yesterday and she had to leave before pie time because she had to join the cult of Black Friday. People heading to Wal-mart right after dinner to get a few bucks off of toys are the real winners, the clergy of the Church of the Black Friday.
Let Black Friday take you places. You will submit. You are joining a cult. You are wandering down a long, deserted road. There is a sign post up ahead. Next stop, the Black Friday zone.
You have been warned. Go buy some meaningless presents and convince the family that it really was the thought that counts.
See you next week.
- Today is *NOT* Thanksgiving! (cantankerousoldcoots.com)