Jun 112014
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US propaganda leaflet used in Afghanistan.

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Well, apparently Osama bin Laden is dead, and this is a good thing. As much as I get on Obama’s ass on just about everything he does, I’ve got to give him props for the “kill, don’t capture” order he gave when approving the operation that last week resulted in bin Laden sleeping with the fishes.

With that said, I must say that the government, as usual, took far longer than was necessary to kill the SOB, and spent a crap load more money, our money, than they needed to.

I guess it’s just a Washington, DC thing, but the government is always fixing things with long, drawn out, complicated, and expensive solutions, when there is a quicker, easier, and cheaper way to accomplish the same thing.

10 years ago, when President Bush said he wanted bin Laden’s head on a platter, he should have come and asked me how to do it. I said then, and I repeat today, I knew how to kill bin Laden in less than a week, and for under $10,000.

Before you dismiss that claim out of hand, remember I live in the foothills of the southern Appalachians, and many of my neighbors are folks that most of America believe only exist in movies like “Deliverance”.

I’ve got news for you people. Those folks do exist, and for the most part they are pretty nice people… right up until you piss them off. Once you make ‘em mad they will open up a giant can of whup ass on you like you have never seen.

To kill bin Laden on the cheap all that would’ve been necessary would be to get 4-5 of these good ol’ boys around here together, cracked open a cooler full of Budweiser, and get a good ol’ fashioned bullshit session going, and let the conversations slowly work its way around to deer hunting. At some point one of the boys, probably the one who has sucked down the most Budweiser so far, is gonna start bragging about his tracking skills.

Bingo. You’ve got your hook.

“Bubba, you can’t track your way out of a paper bag. Steve over there can out track you any day of the week, and besides…once you track something you have to be able to kill it, and you couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with an open choke shotgun, much less a deer at 500 yards with a rifle.”

That’s going to generate a half-hour long argument about tracking and shooting skills, with each claim, and the story that goes with it, getting bigger and bigger.

All that’s left is to reel ‘em in.

“Bubba, if you think you’re such a great tracker, and since you seem to think you can shoot the eye out of a fly at 1000 yards, I’m gonna call you on you shit. Not only do I think you’re lousy at tracking deer, I don’t even think you could track a clumsy human being. The president says we’re gonna kill this bin Laden guy, and it’s a good thing we’ve got them there Green Berets, ‘cause you couldn’t even find the right country, much less find bin Laden hisself.”

Once again, you’ve got a good argument started. There would be lots of back and forth about who could actually find the right country AND find bin Laden himself.

At this point you have five or six good ol’ boys, all of whom are actually great trackers and super accurate marksman, all fired up about who is best. Now, you need to understand something. Folks down here in Appalachia are as patriotic as anybody in this country, BUT they are not totally convinced that the twin towers and NYC are really part of the United States. They sort of look at New York City like they do at Canada, Mexico, and Berkeley,CA…attached to, but not really a part of, the United States. You need to push them just a little bit more to get them jumping up and down, fired up and ready to go prove their hunting skills with bin Laden as their target.

These boys down here are mostly whore-hounds the likes of which you have never seen. Most of them would have sex with a rattlesnake if somebody would hold its head. When it comes to family though, all of their immediate female relatives, including their mommas, are virgins, and these good ol’ boys are real, REAL protective. You just need to give them one more piece of a “information” to set them off on a trip to the Middle East.

“hey guys? You know that bin Laden fella? Well, besides knocking down the World Trade Center, and besides killing about 3000 of our fellow Americans, and besides just being a general, all around piece of pond scum, he’s done something else y’all might not like.

“He’s been sneaking over here for the last couple of years, screwing all of your sisters.”

Bin Laden is toast within 10 days, all for the cost of 5-6 plane tickets.

Hell…they’d even buy their own bullets.


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Bob@HayleStorm Interactive

Bob comes to us with a skeptical attitude and a full cup of Cantankerousness. He also writes about homesteading and yurts over at JuicyMaters.com and rants about politics at Common-Sense-Conversation.com Most of the time, though, you'll find him at HayleStorm.net, cranking out great websites for clients OR writing tutorials teaching them to build their own sites.

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  6 Responses to “Osama bin Laden…easier, faster, and cheaper”

  1. Bob,
    You had me right up to the end. I saw Deliverance back in the day when it was playing in real movie theaters- not these silly movie malls they have these days. I could really believe that Georgia is full of those good old boys and that just a little encouragement would be all it would take to make them great CIA assassins. But then you got unreal. There isn’t any way that those good old boys would believe that Osama was slipping around and having sex with their mommas and sisters and the reason is very simple. Those good old boys were keeping their mommas and sisters too busy themselves for Osama to even have a chance.
    But that raises another interesting question. I’d like to know what might happen if you tried to tell them that Obama was slipping it to their mommas and sisters?

  2. Ah that was refreshing. Being from the other side of the world, and occasionally forgetful about these things, it hadn’t occurred to me to call the incest card until I read Ralph’s comment.

    How exactly would you get away with telling them that? Curious!

    Otherwise I see no flaws. 😉

  3. Loved it…Redneck revenge. Nothing like some good ol’ ass whuppin’ to take care of matters..or is that Maters:)

  4. Ralph, the family trees around here have been growing a few branches in the last few years…we don’t have nearly as many births as we used to where both eyes are on the same side of the nose.

    I think it’s all the damn yankees that have moved down to get away from the snow and brought their daughters. Those corn-fed Indiana gals look pretty damn good, and some of the good ol’ boys have succumbed. They aren’t keeping their sisters nearly as busy as in years past.

  5. There is a reason that the Army is full of people from the Midwest and South. I have yet to meet a kid from NYC or LA in all of our Army years (that would be 27 years if you include all the time our own kids are in the army)!
    GREAT description.
    Personally, I think Obama just let them GO Get UM!

  6. Janette, kids from NYC, LA and Boston join the Marine Corps.

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