Jan 092011
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Breaking News about the Coots News Service

The Coot’s News Service (CNS) is happy to serve our readers by screening the hot news headlines each week, saving them from the tedious task of reading all that crap. Long years of experience allows this coot to deftly skim the cream and get through the news without having to worry that there is anything you need to know. It is a thankless task but this Coot knows that nurturing a cantankerous spirit can be difficult and when it comes to knowing up from down, reading the newspaper or listening to radio or TV is worthless. Without enough seasoning, Coots in training need careful guidance before they can face a newspaper alone. Not only is the news bad for you,  reading the news is an addiction that does great harm and has no benefits. Abstinence is one way to kick the habit but it is very difficult unless you are willing to become a hermit. Therefore we offer an extension course from COCU (Cantankerous Old Coots University) in stealth mode. This course is in the form of our news service each week and is designed to numb you to the idea that you need to know anything reported in the newspapers. Earlier editions of the CNS were intended merely to get you comfortable with the format but today we are kicking into production mode as a full fledged COCU course. And you have homework!

Each reader has two assignments which must be completed before you get class credit:

1. Leave a comment on this post

2.  (a)Tell which story is the one you least need to know or

(b) leave a link to a story is so important that that it should have been included (and why you think so).

Course credit will be awarded by COCU after comments are left on five different CNS posts. The names of graduates will be displayed in a place of honor on COC and will receive an autographed electronic copy of the COCU e-book containing the first five Coots lessons and a bonus lesson. Don’t miss your chance for undying fame and international exposure. Now on to the news.

‘Vitriol’ Cited As Possible Factor In Arizona Tragedy

NPR suggests that the twenty year old alleged gunman who shot a congressman (female) and a federal judge (male) at a supermarket on Saturday was angry because the store was out of vitriol. Possibly the congressman (female) and judge (male)  were conspiring to restrict access of the public to this popular energy drink. The congressman (female) was shot in the head but was being treated in a local hospital. The judge, an aid and an eight year old girl were killed.  No information about the continued availability of vitriol was released.

14 decapitated bodies found in Mexico resort city

In case you were thinking that Mexican resort cities (Think Acapulco) were wonderful places for that tropical vacation, the discovery of 14 decapitated bodies in a shopping mall might make you reconsider. Just in case that authorities might be confused, the local drug lord left a note claiming responsibility. He was obviously afraid that tourists might be confused and afraid to haggle over purchasing goods there. This is just another sign of the success that the Mexican Federal government is having in its fight to regain control over Mexico. ‘At least 30,196 people have died in drug-related violence since President Felipe Calderon launched an offensive against cartels in late 2006. ‘ Mexico is starting to make even Aruba look safe.

Ten injured in 52-vehicle crash on I-95

Sobering news from the snowbound east coast. With less than one inch of snow, 52 vehicles get caught in a big mess in Virginia. No word about how many of these vehicles were driven by government workers but the proximity to the nation’s capitol makes the odds pretty good that it was most of them. With any luck they will all be off work for a time relieving the yoke of oppression on the rest of us temporarily.

Snake Disappears On Red Line

Can you say snakes on a train? A Boston lady is devastated to lose her pet boa constrictor on the Boston Red Line. Her owner says that Melissa is very mellow and timid and never hisses or bites but that she can get into some very small spaces. MBTA spokesman Joe Pesaturo said they’re confident it’s safe to ride the Red Line and commuters shouldn’t worry.  Samuel L Jackson could not be reached for comment.

Elderly Swedes bloodied in snow shovel brawl

Forget Mexico and Aruba! It is even unsafe to visit Sweden these days where you might get beaten up by old men with snow shovels. Coots are speechless. Usually Swedes are peace loving and only beat on Norwegians.

Oprah’s OWN ratings fall during first week

The most powerful man (female) in the world suffered a serious setback this week as ratings for her new cable network fell. And we were worried about global warming. The world economy may not recover.

NJ police: Man seeking ‘portal to hell’ stabbed 2

Coots have long suspected that New Jersey was the portal to hell but that suspicion was confirmed when a local man reportedly found it in a backyard in Union NJ. He stabbed two women who interfered with his clearing of the portal. The man was seriously injured defending the portal but finally subdued and is now receiving treatment.  Now you have a second reason to visit New Jersey (right after Atlantic City).

Britain Vows To Change ‘Embarrassing’ Libel Law

Britain’s economy has recovered so much that the Libel Tourism law is no longer needed to boost tourism in the UK. Up to now it has been so easy to charge libel in Britain that celebrities from around the world have flocked to Britain to silence critics and news reporters. With the strong economy, this is no longer necessary.  Authorities now claim to be embarrassed by the law. This has to be a lie because  government authorities are never embarrassed.

You’ll work on the big day Queen tells palace staff

No holiday for the working stiffs at the Palace (both north and south) just because of the upcoming royal wedding. It will be business as usual on that festive day for the Palace employees even though regular folk will have a bank holiday. The Queen says that she can’t afford the loss of revenue from tourism at the popular attractions if she closed it down.

So that is the course for today.  Now get busy on your homework.

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Ralph is the inspiration for Cantankerous Old Coots and is our Grand Duke of Cantankerousness

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  5 Responses to “Coot’s Week in Review January 9, 2010”

  1. I really didn’t need to know about Oprah’s falling ratings, although the story was somewhat inspirational, in that it was reassuring to know that even the most wildly successful people on earth screw-up, and sometimes badly. What was she thinking? All Oprah, All the Time.

  2. Hansi,
    You get an A+ for the week. Not only was that an excellent response. It was the first ever response for this important course. You may be eligible for the Dean’s List.

  3. Wow. Thanks Ralph. I’ve been on a lot of lists before, but never the Dean’s list.

  4. And here I was just used to my yoke, and they take it all away. Dammit!

  5. Dave,
    I think you can relax. There are plenty of yokers left in the capitol.

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