Feeling my way…
I started writing this post today without actually knowing my topic. Lately this seems to be the way my life unfolds- I wake up with a vague mysterious feeling that I ought to be doing something but I’ll be darned if I know what it is. Sometimes the fog clears and I get to work. Sometimes it doesn’t and I roll over. It’s nice not to have the pressure driving me to get up and do something important, especially when it wasn’t my important but someone else’s important. Still It makes me wonder if there isn’t something important that I want to do.
Life was simpler back when I was clear about my mission in life like when the kids were at home or I had a boss to please in order to get a paycheck. No thought required. These days each day is a clean slate with only the items I choose penciled in. It doesn’t make much immediate difference what I do- or even if I don’t. When I didn’t control my day I used to dream about what I would do if I didn’t have a job. I created fantasies about doing important things and making a difference. Now that I can, I find that it is harder to act out those fantasies. I have doubts. I wonder if it is worth the trouble. These days I realize it isn’t easy thinking for yourself.
Looking back over my experience
I finally realize is that life is just one cop out after another. At every fork in the road I took the easy route. I followed the crowd. I avoided responsibility. In modern American, people don’t want to lead. They pass the buck. They blend in. People careen through life grabbing mindlessly at anything that might excuse them from making commitments, setting goals and being responsible for the consequences. Going to college is a good example. It is a four years deferral of responsibility and a place to learn bad habits. Then when you can’t postpone earning a living any longer you take a job and let that define where you live and your place in the world. All along the way there is the illusion of control, after all you did make the choice but deep down you know it is a lie. Whatever control there is isn’t yours. The only decision you made was to become a pawn on the chessboard, a cog on the wheel, a needle in the haystack. Modern life is an illusion of independence while we choose safety and control. We dream about independence while we suck at the teat of the Matrix.
Moving right along.
So what was I saying when I started this post? I seem to be having a bit of trouble with this thinking business. It’s like I’ve been asleep so long that I don’t really know what is important. I keep stumbling over my purpose in life and how should I spend my day now that my crutches are gone. Even more troubling, do I actually have an independent thought in my head or am I merely a sounding board for all the messages bouncing around in there telling me what I ought to be thinking and what I ought to do. It’s hard work thinking for yourself; no wonder most people won’t do it.
This explains my morning befuddlement, lying in bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and looking for a purpose to give my day meaning. The crutches are gone; somebody moved the goalposts and I don’t seem to know the rules. Each day I face the dilemma. Do I get up and stumble forward hoping to find a purpose along the way? Or do I just roll over and go back to sleep? Am I the only one with this problem? Am I going senile? Is there anyone out there that can relate? Somebody out there tell me I’m not the only one looking for help getting out of bed each morning. Even better, maybe you’ve found the solutions.